Tylenol causes Autumn!

You miss 100% of the loads you don’t take.

Submissible in court & breedable

Finding the trash can in rich people’s kitchen is always particularly difficult.

Welcome to America, here are our most fuckable assassins.

I just love taking a bath in Epstein salt.

Every gay man with Grindr knows what “meth lighting” is.

You ever look at someone and you’re like, “I just know you’re gonna spill my drink”

Gay men are like sharks. If we stop moving we’ll die.

No matter how old I get I’m always shocked to find out any of my gay friends have adult jobs.

How sad that Florida thinks chalk is more dangerous than guns. 🌈#Pulse

I feel like straight people turn 30 and then have to decide which brand of insulated cup will become their entire personality.

I’m so tired of every website asking my cookie preference, for the last time: CHOCOLATE CHIP!

I feel bad for people that get haunted by ghosts of gen z kids. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night to “I CAN’T FIND MY VAPE!”

Most of my friends are only on Sniffies because they have maps autism.

Such a nice day to go outside and stare at my phone.

Can you watch porn on those Refrigerator TVs?

Labubu’s are just unholy crossbreeds between Funko Pop and Precious Moments.

He died doing what he loved, drowning.

The Secretary of Defense sending war plans:

Saw a guy do a bump at Runyon today. Nature is healing.

Cause honey if you’re not watching Untucked, you’re only getting HALF the whole-body deodorant commercials.

Putting your follower count from other platforms in your profile is the social media equivalent of those “my other car is a…” bumper stickers.

Emilia Pérez was a movie clearly made people who love the smell of their own farts.

DOGE should change its name to Parks and Wreck

All of Twitter: Reheating Nachudai

Welcome to the stage: Abracadeborah

“Did you set the floor on fiyah Harry?” Gaga asked calmly.

Real tea, when I was an altar boy I stole a buncha these large hosts from the sacristy and took them home and made a ham sandwich with them. #CanHost

Don’t forget that Jurassic Park had trans dinosaurs. All she wanted was to use this gender neutral bathroom.

Anyone else’s Insta suddenly on Ozempic?

Eating the last 1/3 of my Chipotle burrito:

The week between Christmas and New Years really is the taint of the calendar.

Was watching Muppet Christmas Carol and said out loud “TinyTimTales” and my friend tried to impale me with a cocktail skewer.

*watching Christmas Carol* A second spirit has hit the tower.

Why can’t we say humbug year round?

My fav compliment ever was this really drunk dude who said “There’s two of you…and you’re both beautiful”

Deny. Defend. Demure.

Video game rules should be in full effect where it’s legal to kill anyone who makes over a billion dollars. If so they drop all their loot and you get to keep all their money.

Luigi Mangione stuns in new police photo.

Told my friend I was going to pee and he didn’t respond “Go Piss Girl” so I guess we’re fighting?

Does the United assassin have an OF?

*The Sea is calling* “Rude. Fucking text me”

Taking dick and cock and really holding space with that.

When it comes to dating I only need to know three things: Top/Bttm? How you load the dishwasher, & do you watch tv with subtitles on?

*Gets back from vacation* “Man I really missed texting while driving.”

Bamboozled #Kyoto

I typed this with my penis.