My favorite part of Severance is when they discover stuff

*reads Isaac Newton biography* *sits under apple tree looking up with mouth open*

Everyone: wow I can’t believe the Trump/Zelensky convo News Accounts: things are not looking good Celebrities: don’t buy anything today! Ben Stiller: oh come on Knicks

Neil Degrasse Tyson watching Airbud: Absolutely not

Muting each word in this post so I don’t have to see it again

*looking at bowel* how are you irritable all I give you is little treats

Guest: bro have you seen ants? Joe Rogan: dude those freaks are strong as hell Guest: I’ve been eating nothing but sugar and picnic meals and I feel incredible

Your outtie saves up his per diem so that he can buy shirts from Dan Flashes

Hit that “Notify Anyway” like I’m dying every time

HUGE congratulations to John Mellencamp on his unbreakable record for having the worst possible phrase in a song 43 years running with “suckin’ on a chili dog”

*trying to make sense of all of the news recently* Me: so MSNBC- Wife: is not NBC with multiple sclerosis Me: I see

Trying to get Trump to name my neighbor’s house the Gulf of Josh Who Won’t Give My Tools Back But Has Time To Message My Wife On NextDoor All Dang Day

Filing a Straining Order to counteract my neighbor’s lawsuit. Smooth move Josh if this goes through you HAVE to remain within 100 yards of me.

“I really fumbled the bag” I say to myself as I scoop up the ashes of my grandpa’s cremated schnauzer back into the urn with a Reese’s wrapper

*leaving Inferno* Virgil: I told you there’s a lot of weird stuff Dante: boy howdy

Just got the severance procedure for when I go to Dave and Busters

My wife and I are hiring a paleontologist to figure out why we’re bad with money

Discoverer of the Little Dipper: wow I shall call this “The Dipper” Discoverer of the Big Dipper: Bad news bud

Me: *knocking on a peanut butter jar like a glass ketchup bottle for hours* Come on Wife: *giving me one last tearful look as she steps out the door forever*

*Me in the Garden of Eden* Angel: He hasn’t eaten of the fruit God: Fantastic Angel: No I mean he hasn’t eaten any fruit or any vegetables for that matter. Hasn’t really had water either.

Early Bird: *gets worm* Second Bird: Wow good thing there are like billions of worms

Me: Can I at least shake the hand of the man about to murder me? Murderer: Sure *goes to shake* Me: *pulls hand away and slicks back hair*

Wife: What are you eating? Me: [eating a potato that I peeled like a banana] panana