still alive, btw ;-; bluesky keeps logging me out my phone, so i end up not coming onto here… but i’ve somehow made it through another year—despite everything :,) … ugh,… live has really been so, so hard still to cope with, but… i’m still trying to push through..

btw: when stating “things have been worse” i meant that in the past things have felt worse than they felt upon making this post that being said, the past few weeks have been… somewhat worse.

hello bluesky …. i keep forgetting to come on here ~_~ … things have been a lot busier for me lately and medication changes have been going on fairly consistently but overall, things have been… worse, i guess ? but i am still alive so there’s that :,) wishing for the best

don’t know what to do anymore. just end up crying by the end of most days. hope for the improvement of my wellbeing feels less and less likely to happen

had to have a small-ish operation last thursday which is making me limp even worse than i already was.

🐶🤖

Throw back to the very first stamp washi I made #merch #fish #nightmarket

Southern skies

just never fucking ends.

if i ever for whatever reason actually do have kids of my own i hope and pray to god i never fucking end up treating them the way my mother treats me.

this world just keeps proving it isn’t a place for me

not to be ultra depressing and su*c*dal but i just don’t want to be alive so so so badly because they life i have been living is miserable in many many many ways my family and i cannot fuckijg catch a break everyone is sick and dying and unwell and it wont stop and i cant handle it very much more

yeah so trying to look up info about (h)EDS is literally the most gut-wrenching shit because of too many reasons to explain but part of why it hurts is because there really are no solid answers. no cure. no specialists—at least, none that are nearby and won’t cost an arm and a leg.

***disc building (i can’t spell ;-;)

a couple updates: ① the doctors office called me this morning (when i was still asleep) and left a voicemail saying that according to the MRI for my spine, i have disk bulging in “the L4 to L5 and L5 to S1”… sooooooooim going to be referred for physical therapy (yet again). so that’s…… yeah idk

💙 #commission #art #illustration

this came to me in a dream last month... #Neopets | #Fanart | #HatsuneMiku | #Teto

i dont know why i keep posting updates because i mostly post them to try and give context to others and also keep track for myself but i know most everyone doesnt want to read them or anything

it’s only been 26 days since my last physical therapy session… not even a month and my entire body and pain level has gone to shit i don’t know what to do anymore staying in bed will make me even weaker but i don’t have any other options

i’ve been becoming increasingly bed-ridden for the past week… it’s getting to be too painful to endure sitting upright due to my spine & shoulder blades and my hip is making standing / walking very difficult… its affecting both of my knees and my left foot (as of how i have to limp when walking)

also i don’t want to go into detail but i had another (general) doctors appointment yesterday and there were some very very troubling things i was informed about in regards to my health that the cardiologist decided to not tell me about... but in some ways i also received validation for things

i feel like it says a lot that my brother made my ringtone be the song that plays when you find a crying toad in luigi’s mansion

Mais uma ilustra da minha oc, Bisq #art #BRart #oc #manga

i have to try and sleep because it’s almost 1am and i’m so exhausted been awake since before 6:30 this morning because i couldn’t fall back asleep and cried far too much from stress today already and i keep just crying

i’m scared i’m dying

well. i started working more on the chi chai monchan (that’s in the bottom left quadrant of the piece) some more… but ultimately ended up removing the stitches i had made for him so far bc i really just wasn’t happy w/ how he was coming along & it was really bugging me :,|||||||

… anywho, here’s a progress update of the aforementioned embroidery wip i picked back up a few days ago * the left pic = taken on thursday (right before i started working on it again) * the right pic = taken just now (sorry for the crummy lighting, lol…)

by the way… what we’re going to seemingly be my last 3 pool-based physical therapy sessions all ended up being cancelled due to different factors like the PTA (the physical therapist assistant AKA the lady who does my pool sessions) not feeling well & then we had unprecedented weather conditions

just a wittle recap of some outfits i documented with videos in 2024 😃💞 do you have a favorite ? 🔹

Water lilies and koi one one one leg🪷

Flygon🔴🟩🔴

Hi I’m Caro! I’m a former story artist for animation who is currently tattooing in LA✨ I’m a fan of fun, whimsy, and comics🌞 ⭐️ Instagram.com/durianpokes 🌷 Instagram.com/carolinequach ⭐️ durianpokes.com 🌷 carolinequach.com

A My Melody tattoo from early in my career🌻🌸🍓

I drew this line as sea snakes a few years back and had decided to revisit the concept! #art #pokemon #dragonite #dratini #dragonair

GUYS my phone is essentially FINALLY FULLY FUNCTIONAL AGAIN !!!!!

Are you really Uni…?

i wasn’t aware of my EDS until ~the year i sought my diagnosis (as i had never heard about it til then + my symptoms had always been overlooked/misattributed/downplayed/neglected; my chronic pain had never manifested until then, either).

i’ve been having a hard time keeping myself from crying today. i think right now makes it a total of 3 (possibly 4?) separate times i’ve cried since like 3 something this afternoon.

Lyra DTIYS!!

so yeah. that’s a new thing to add to the list of reasons why things are hard. in other news i brought my heart monitor back to the hospital today so i’m thiiiiinking they might be able to (hopefully?) discuss those findings n stuff @ my cardio. appointment on the 22nd of january :| !… sigh…

so today at my physical therapy re-eval i was being told that after next month i’ll *have* to try land therapy (aka leave the pool) & long story short i accidentally cried (a lot) so then the PT printed out a questionnaire for me which ended up indicating that i probably have “kinesiophobia” 🤡👍🏻

it’s like ever since 2021 my existence has devolved to become this ceaseless spiral into oblivion i’ve been getting help for so long but the issues have only accumulated and it feels like nothing is working out in the long run i miss everything and everyone but i’m trapped with no way out or up

all my life has become anymore is struggling to sleep, hours of driving to appointments, having to make myself eat, feeling incompetent, getting nowhere despite pushing through i really cant do this forever i need an out so i can escape

my grandma on my mom’s side is back in the hospital again

fitting that my last month of being 21 would include 14 days with a heart monitor and not much else besides going back & forth between 2 kinds of therapy.

that moment when i currently have *10 appointments* scheduled from the 17th of this month thru the 22nd of january 🤡

guys… if i’m (somehow) able to keep my heart monitor on for the full 14 day period, that means i’d: 1) still have it on during my birthday [which is just my freaking luck] & 2) i wouldn’t be able to remove it til christmas day… … :|

Some of my new flash! It’s a Pokémon-heavy drop >:3 My books open tonight at 8pm (Los Angeles)