Woke guy at a restaurant voice: excuse me what gender are the breadsticks this tonight?

I always thought that Groverhaus looked fine, any port in a storm.

They used to tell you tapioca is for old people and sucks, and that quick sand was everywhere and killed a million people. It was all a lie man

Do you think Zohran tapped it on his tongue?

When I’m driving trains and parents with kids wave, I wave back. But I ignore solo men who wave because I want to further the male loneliness epidemic

Why is my country building Pokemon Gym ass buildings I need a medical facility

Price Andrew is no longer allowed to use the Coke freestyle machine at Buckingham Palace and has to go down the hall to the Pepsi spire instead

They’re all smiling because I told them you can have bender and OJ do the simpsons couch gag in Fortnite now

R/Shakespeare in the 1500’s: the Brevity is the soul of wit dickriders in here are pissing me the fuck off, m’lord

This chick at the coffee shop with a bifurcated tongue served me my coffee today and I definitely saw her deposit one charge of her venom into my cup but idk if I should say anything

I keep forgetting I have blue sky and then seeing all the old friends and mutuals that left twitter, it’s a nice surprise !

Bumper sticker that says “my other wife has BPD”

This chick at the coffee shop with a bifurcated tongue served me my coffee today and I definitely saw her deposit one charge of her venom into my cup but idk if I should say anything

I’m gonna keep it real with you my good bitch, every time I post I have my toes out

tTfw you’re at the dishwasher and the dishwasher is finished and the plat— one of the plates still has some crud on it so you have to take take the playe out to the sink and then wash it your own self to get it just right 🤣🤣

All the kids now of days are getting fucked up on Benadryl so they can give the hatman road head

A Rube Goldberg machine made entirely of Indoor Towels that over the length of my house manage to unfurl an outdoor towel to lay over an unfavourable patch of grass for me to walk over so I can pick up dogshit with my bare hands

Bed Bath & Beyond are plum out of Outdoor Towels and you’re laughing?

Oh yeah, sure. Indoor towels are $3 cheaper than outdoor towels now?

Calvin pissing on an outdoor towel

Fuck indoor towels, fuck outdoor towels. I’m buying towels specifically designed to sop up the dank crud my fridge makes under the little vegetable tray things

I invested 10M in comfortable, hand woven, pristine, 300 thread count indoor towels. And I am kill my self

If you’re a giant fucking loser lemme hear you say “woahhh”

I know it’s an adaptation of a biography and it’s verified fact but there’s just no way Oppenheimer dicked down Florence Pugh in 1944, she wasn’t even alive then bro

I love pissing in the toilet, realising I need a shit, taking a lovely protein filled dump that splashes the unflushed piss water back up onto my ass and brown taint area like a renewable resource

This is what I use to write down the url’s to my favourite jerk off videos

I want them to make Habbo Hotel 2 to see if I’ll get an old man that was 65 in 2001 to describe his asshole to me again

Can’t believe my @ is still allowed 3 months in lol

You heard of girl dinner now get ready for bitch dinner

Hello, ma’am? I am asking today for permission to like your post? I am a humbled white man, but I would, with your grace, like to like (alliteration hehe) your post about your thick juicy Latina ass?

Kamala: It’s really a reflection of time, of our time, and in that time we have to recognise the time we’re in… and the time we need to use before it’s no longer our time Biden: I was voted Most Likely to Beguile in my class of 1927

Tres leches aka big boys delight

If elected president, Ron De Santis has promised to put the slutty thigh high boots back on the lady M&M and also she’ll be on the new dollar bills

I just put my triangle folded American flag on the grill it tastes like shit!!

I got an account focker can you follow me?

My dick fit in your hand like a glove-r, Danny, that’s my lethal weapon. Call you Shiv Roy when you go down, call that my suck-session.

Hearing a guy at the gym really badly explain In Time with Justin Timberlake, and the other guy say it sounds too technical for him to understand

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If I posted that I have JK held at gun point would that be okay or not?

Can you make actionable threats against terfs on here or not?

Oomfie caught a body

So funny that grimes was the intellectual backbone of that relationship

I like this iteration of Zelda cos you get to pick your favourite race of guy: Fishman, Birdman, Stoneman or Middle Eastern