Hey guys, I forgot to go viral/get really big in here before the comedy festival (idiot!) but just letting know I have previews of my show tonight and tomorrow, and then regular ones til the 12th if that’s something that interests you x

Everyday would be International Women’s Day if you were married to Mr. Worldwide x #IWD

I’m so sorry to the massage lady I lied to and said I slept on my shoulder weird, but actually pinched the nerve while jackin it this morning. I wish we lived in a world where we could all be more truthful x

The abortion arguement of “It might have been the person who went on to cure cancer!” always feels so null and void when I’m getting ready for bed. If I didn’t have to put 5 layers of creams and serums on my face twice a day since I was 13, ✨I✨ might have been the person to cure cancer.

Having a cut on your asshole is crazy, how is that ever meant to heal? How do I not just have two buttholes now?

The soft animal of my body needs a cigarette

Oh, you’re “practising” non-monogamy? How about you let me know when you’re any good at it

I am once again begging Melania to drop her medication list

Maybe men would be better at multitasking if they could also get a UTI and thrush at the same time

My acupuncturist had his elbow in my ass for half an hour and made me cry — I didn’t realise we were going steady

Not everybody has $450, the patience to compress an image 7 different times, or the ability to make a registration deadline by the skin of their teeth even with months of notice — but I did! 𝙇𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙎𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙐𝙥 𝘾𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙙𝙮 𝙎𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙁𝙚𝙢𝙖𝙡𝙚 𝘾𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙣 𝙇𝙤𝙘𝙖𝙡 𝘾𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙙𝙮 𝙁𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙖𝙡 𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙣𝙩 at this years @melbcomedyfestival ✨

Bouldering is just stationary parkour

In an unplanned sequence of events I just took a Valium and then vacuumed the house, and honestly, I get it

I hope Rachel Sennot is having a nice Hanukkah

The people who deserve a holiday the most are the ones on my close friends list

Do you think early humans also thought “god, I hope I don’t run into Matt while I look like total SHIT!”

If you tell your friends you’re “depwessed” legally they can’t be as worried about you

You’re practising ENM? Get back to me when you’ve mastered it

Yeah, so, I bought a pack of cigarettes! What matters is that I meditated afterwards, therefore cancelling it out.

Deny, defend, dispose is just gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss for assassins

I love the freeze response, just the bodies way of going ‘I can sense the vibes are off, but I’m just going to see how this all plays out’

Made a comment about a friend recently saying he’d “really grown up recently”, but I just realised he had just stopped trying to fuck me

The last three guys I’ve slept with have all asked me if I’m a squirter. If you want a squirter sooo badly, go fuck a man?

Smoking a cig while drinking a green juice in a real duality of man/two wolves moment