GIVE ‘EM HELL, TOMMY T

There’s still 15 minutes to find a winner. Let’s not leave this to fate and a goalkeeper guessing correctly.

VAR SLAG

England: because why finish in 90 minutes when you can age the nation by another 30?

Missing Gordon already. We replaced 100mph with a polite stroll.

Only in this heat can you run a cold bath and come back later to find it’s practically warm.

Wanted to cool off by sticking my tits in the supermarket freezer. Apparently even that’s unavailable. Britain simply isn’t built for this.

Current heatwave routine: feet in the bath every 30 minutes. If nothing else, my feet are having the spa day they deserve.

28.5°C indoors. The house has officially entered ‘slow-cooked home’ territory.

I’ve sweated enough. Can we skip the rest of summer and go straight to winter? My ideal temperature is ‘put a jumper on.’

Most men in England are currently having a tactical nap so they can stay awake for the football. Somewhere, thousands of wives are quietly debating whether to wake them up or enjoy the peace.

It’s 2am. Can the tabloids please just show Taylor Swift’s dress so the internet can calm down and I can finally go to sleep?

I do enjoy the fact Taylor Swift’s wedding has completely overshadowed the 4th of July. Always suspected she knew exactly what she was doing.

Bring the England match forward and stick it on the Silverstone big screens. Patriotism, horsepower and overpriced chips. Perfect Sunday.

The moon’s putting in a proper shift tonight. Stick your head out the window - it’s absolutely huge.

The only upside to this heatwave is it’s killed my grass. Nature’s finally doing the mowing for me.

One day it’ll be Buckingham Palace. For now, Steve’s conservatory will have to do.

Tomorrow is Minion Day. Annual leave has been deployed exactly as it should be: air-conditioning, reclining seats and 90 minutes of tiny yellow chaos. 🍌

After days of living in what felt like a budget version of the Sahara, the sky has finally remembered its job description.

I don’t like either team, but I hope Paraguay lose. More diving than a stag do in Benidorm.

Here we are again. Door open. Windows open. 26.5°C, but somehow it feels like I’ve been gently lowered into a slow cooker set to ‘pulled pork.’

Went to the cinema after work last night. £20 for two hours of air-con and not checking every doorway for a spider? Bargain.

Am getting tired of waking up at 5 every morning just to open the front door and all the windows for some fresh air before it becomes unbearably hot.

My bath is my makeshift paddling pool.

Fuck this heat.

Got 3 fans on me today. Am like a shit Beyoncé.

The Norway fans’ Viking Row really is something cool.

Am starting to wonder if this is what hell feels like.

Kylie Minogue was the first person I ever saw wear a star pimple patch back in the 90s. It was on her chest when she was papped going into a nightclub, then on her way out it had disappeared revealing a big, juicy zit.

TURN THE FANS ONTO HIGH-SPEED

Absolutely no-one is focusing on Henry Cavill’s Longines watch.

They always pick shit songs to sing at football. Surely they should be singing: “Sugar!” “Kane!” youtu.be/DwRXI-y6M9o?...

Am saying Croatia will score pretty early on and win 2-1 #Football

I drew Turkey in my workplace's sweepstake. I’ll be very disappointed if the players don't have perfect white teeth and hair implants.

Madonna’s new music video. I love how the lyric ‘cocaine’ is in situ with a hair flick from Kate Moss.

It rained here an hour ago. I can’t tell you how good that felt. It was an Andy Dufresne moment.

Am quite pleased with the result.

Got a couple of plants; Lynda Le Plant and Sydney Pottier, and placed them opposite.

A miracle later and this was the result.

You wouldn’t believe the heftiness of those stones.

Ordered a tonne of white stones and a tonne of red.

Then the plan was to separate stones with a squiggle, so I used this:

Hammered that shit down.

Then I laid down weed protection.

I dug up the shitty grass and laid down a border that separated the bushes and bark. It’s made out of recycled tyres.

This is how my grass looked. Decent bushes, but the grass was mainly moss and dying near my front door.

Here’s how I struggled.

Also, remember when I said I was getting rid of grass in my back garden? Well, I got rid of it in my front first.

I know it’s a little late / early but I just watched Scream 7 and think it was the best since Scream the original. Drew Barrymore opening scene will never be beat.

My manager’s gonna see Kraftwerk tonight at City Hall. I said: Kommen sie bitte und listen to Kraftwerk