“If Canada makes a deal with China, the first thing I will do is ban all episodes of Cheers with Jay Thomas.”

RFK Jr says it was a young intern that looks like him who suggested keto could cure schizophrenia.

Lara Trump will sing during Super Bowl halftime show, unless NFL gives President one billion dollars.

New York Times: It was unclear if Mr. Vance was aware the couch did not have a human vagina.

RFK Jr claims schizophrenia can be cured by drinking Dr Pepper at 10, 2 and 3:14.

“If they say I should be on Mt. Rushmore, that just means I made some lives better without shooting too many people.”

“Instead of being locked up, he could be scrubbing my kitchen.”

HHS is making an AI tool to generate hypotheses on how vaccines killed JFK.

Senate powerhouse Mitch McConnell rushed to hospital after showing human emotions.

Trump cancels Super Bowl for next two years during much needed renovations.

President wants to hold the midterms in Venezuela, where he can ensure their integrity.

To stay fit while lowering energy prices, Dr. Oz suggests seniors ride exercise bikes hooked in to the power grid.

President says America will close for two years.

Border Czar Tom Homan says ICE raids in Minnesota will only target residents and visitors of Minnesota.

JD Vance says video clearly shows Minnesota protester was trying to run over CBP agents with his phone.

DHS claims protester was using dangerous camera filter.

DHS says man shot by federal agents was standing near gun.

Thankfully, the five-year-old did not accidentally smile at ICE.

Everyone does not want to know.

Trump's Board of Peace to hold first meeting at Berlin State Opera during Jan 28 performance of Tosca.

“Obviously, we’re not Nazis. Our uniforms are green.”

Supreme Court announces John Roberts didn’t see his shadow today, so six more weeks of authoritarianism.

ICE Agent who fatally shot Minnesota protestor suffered severe hand sprain from high-fiving with team.

HHS reverses decision to cancel $2.2 billion in mental health services, after discovering President needs $2.2 billion of mental health services.

Republicans removed from Congress will be forced to watch the Melania movie 10,000 times.

Trump-Melania relations now stronger than US-Europe relations.

Tony Doukopil travels across the country to find the best mirror In America.

Trump tells Iran only he’s allowed to kill protestors.

A rising tyrant shoots all boats.

Trump administration announces new Assistant Attorney General position to convince voters Republicans aren’t crooks.

Today I learned, when you stand next to a car, you are standing in front of It.

Midnight Hammer was Dirk Diggler’s first film.

“This is not the type of mission we can follow the Constitution on.” ~ Marco Rubio, US Secretary of State

“If this Truth gets a million likes, I will invade Greenland.”

White House confirms no Epstein files were harmed during Venezuela strike.

White House releases photo of Situation Room during Venezuela strike.

CBS Evening News to be replaced with classic episodes of Love American Style.

Trump doesn’t rule out drone strikes on Minnesota day cares.

Trump continues attacks on Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz following revelations his own poll numbers have hit rock bottom.

Trump says National Guard will return to blue cities when they have enough EM-50s.

So far, the only real healthcare plan Republicans have put forth is to hire more guards for Congressional baseball games.

Marco Rubio tells Vanity Fair he has no desire to run against Trump in 2028.

RFK Jr threatens to cut off funding to any hospitals that offer free cancer screenings.

Trump signs Executive Order to invalidate forever stamps issued under Biden administration.

Since Trump took office, Moland Springs’ sales have never been higher.

CDC panel recommends parents stop feeding their babies after three months so they can learn to fend for themselves.

Supreme Court rules pitchforks are reasonably priced.

Rep. Nancy Mace is considering leaving Congress to spend more time with her driveway.

Trump announces Proud Boys will hand out Tariff rebate checks in 2026.

FDA claims vaccine shot killed JFK Jr.