Come and take it flag with a hammer instead of a cannon. Specifically for smashing AI.

Hmmm I wonder if OpenAIs chat bot has met my hammer yet.

"WAHHH I'm scared of a drone with AI!" Fuck you, Ive got a hammer. I'll win every time.

Hey @bencollins.bsky.social when is The Onion going to bring back Globie the Global Tetrahedron Penguin? As seen in The Onion Movie (2008)?

If trump was smart he would have just talked about things from the 80s and 90s he was going to bring back and his base would eat it up. "Just in time for St Patricks Day the McDLT is coming back. Tim Hamburger promised. Tears in his eyes said 'Sir, we're working on the weird clam shell box now'".

*TOOTHPASTE COMPANY PITCH MEETING* "And yes, the new formula will still look like a cum stain if you get it on your clothes while brushing"

What if IT happens while he's doing the state of the union?

Denty Moore Beef Stew is actual canned dog food for humans that I will never not eat if it's in front of me.

Does raising a child increase the electricity bills on an entire city and pollute the air?

Masterful gambit by the president to not take the way out given to him by the Supreme Court to remove his idiotic tariffs and then call on business to lower prices because of it. Wouldn't want that cost of living to come down.

First candidate to promise to delete the internet wins.

Launching my new startup called Data Center for Worms. It may look like a compost pile but I assure you it actually a data center that makes crypto or AI or something. Give me money.

Gonna get a jump on things and mute the word Clavicular.

Starting a cemetery business but calling it "innovative skeleton storage solutions" so I can get some of that sweet venture capital from rich idiots.

The jobs report is just going to say we are all fired.

They should have got Werner Herzog in that Pokémon ad

Can't trust any musical performance where one of the acts names could be something like Gramply Stungert.

youtu.be/QjL7D33xpS4?... Its that time of year again.

I love seeing people calling on trump to apologize for his racist video post. The dude has never apologized for anything in his entire life but I'm sure he'll start now.

Swedish Chef: Stork borket

Wow kamala is bringing back that internet game show we were all obsessed with 10 years ago!

We've got movie sign!

Shit I almost forgot, how's that turning point usa alternative to the super bowl half time show coming?

Closing the Kennedy center for 2 years so he can be sure the memorial part applies to him too.

This is the pile of Reese's peices under a propped up cardboard box to catch sovereign citizens.

In Woke 2 we're bringing back the old Sun Chips bag.

Get fucked short stuff

All of you just wait. When we see the tiktok dance Chuck Schumer has been working on all this time, trump will be finished!

They're going to get much more brazen with killing innocent people in the streets.

The president should prove how strong and healthy he is by going to Minnesota and holding an outdoor rally this weekend.

Gotta make sure he gets on a plane with more than a minor electrical issue next time.

I think given our current world situation, the pope should start a smite list and read it to God on camera every week. Get people in line.

Great bit putting more tariffs on Europe right when Canada and China just struck a huge trade deal because of all the tariffs we put on them.

If you are in ICE or DHS or anyone who works to deport people, you should be forced to eat nothing but tepid milk and stale white bread for the rest of your life. You don't want people here, you don't get to eat their food.

Proud of everyone for bullying CBS into saying that stupid whiskey friday thing wasn't actually supposed to be a thing

Someone should invent a windshield ice scraper that works

I see we are starting the stock market roller-coaster early this year.

Marvel execs looking at everything BUT the box office for Sinners last summer and screaming "See?! Vampire movies with black people just dont play!"

It's cool that our malignant narcissist president thinks about death all the time now. Probably won't impact the rest of us.

He should take some extra aspirin today as a reward. Take a whole bottle, hes earned it.

At this point we should be the only country WITHOUT nukes.

Any word on if it was a good idea to let a game show host be president yet?

Let's all make a prediction for if IT happens this year. If it happens, someone is bound to get it right. Mine is May 18th 2026. Lock it in.

Starting a rewatch of The Expanse for the new year and want it known that Steven Strait is one of the worst actors to ever do it.

Cinematic universe where every Tiny Tim has to fight to the death until there is only one true Tiny Tim. The Tiniest Tim

Trumps battle ships are going to be just as real as the trump phone.

We can take solace in the fact that billionaires will never understand that the average Americans gut reaction to "hey, you can't look at this" will always be "the fuck I cant!" That fence and those snipers don't stop people trying to get into area 51.

Truly I bet less people would have watched the 60 minutes segment if they had just let it air. How did she not think of that? Bari Weiss is real fucking dumb, huh?

The full spiked 60 Minutes CECOT package, clean & subtitled. 1/5

Aha you fools! This was all part of Baris brilliant plan to bring young, fresh new eyes to 60 minutes! It wasn't a total debacle trying to appease a tyrannical government!