look I'm gonna tell you there's no such thing as a stat panorex but I'm also gonna go get the re-ordered routine done quickly. I am a productive stickler

Did I just see an ad for medication for bent dicks

I established a boundary with a guy and he’s respecting it and I’m so fucking pissed about it

Flipping over and spreading cheek for the laser tech is just about one of the most depraved acts out there

Tummy ache so bad I had to go to another unit’s bathroom

I just need to know if I can eat fresh berries without my butt exploding

once again mistook a man's cocaine stare as genuine interest. lol shit

I sent a guy a picture of my Fourth of July sunburn and he confused it for a sext

Lover girls do NOT listen to punisher in the summer

Explained frank-starling law to an electrician and at the end of it he said it was just plumbing and dear god I couldve married him on the spot

the age where I call my mom to tell her about the interesting chick peas I found at aldi's

Explained prairie dogging to an 80 year old on the commode yesterday

Dude on the street just tried to clothesline me what the fuuuuuck

My man mitch rn

It is so charming going out with offline people because what do you mean you’ve never heard the words “cuntiest Pokemon supercut” in your life

Nothing like boarding a flight where you’re seated by the head and it already reeks of piss

lol who was gonna tell me how hard shoulder press was without a bench

I date like a man in that I’m just fucking mean to first dates I’m not attracted to

I know when the reckoning comes I will have to answer for my many crimes committed in the bathroom across from the ct scanner

Someone walked past someone watering flowers and said “w hydrationmaxx” what the fuck is wrong with you people

While I waited for a tow truck today/succumbed to the heat I noticed this car had eyelashes

towing my car means pink glitter bejeweled jelly sandals are no longer in my budget 😭

Left on read after I sent a picture of my sausages to someone with a “thinking of you” 😞

Racks on racks on racks

My victory today was helping the residents get a patient transferred off their service by calling the OR and talking to the vascular surgeon for them lol

damn AAA really enforcing that 72 hour waiting period

Car won’t start in the work parking lot. If this happened in Feb when it was polar vortexing, I would’ve walked into traffic

85 units of lispro today

I have to go back to work tomorrow when my night routine for the past 2 weeks has been twirling in the bed until 1 am while I rant at spellingbee for not recognizing mentate as a word

Matches significantly improved on hinge once I started showing titty

I’m all for safe staffing but the units who treat crrt as an automatic 1:1, yall are running the scam of the century

Gen Z shooting everything in 0.5 gives us all hamhock arms and I’m tired of it

damn my new ui thinks I'm stupid enough not to switch paladin auras in a dungeon and started putting a giant button in the middle of my screen to prompt me (I am stupid)

I have been informed that when I was recently making out with a guy at a bar, that every time we started making out again, his friend would turn to my friend and say "he's a really great guy" which is such a dudes rock kinda thing

it is such a relief when I mess up a pattern and realize it's because I didn't read something. I'm not incapable i'm just illiterate

Choosing to knit with a double strand of silk would end me if I were unmedicated

I added a hinge prompt that asks about treebeard finding the entwives and so far the engagement has 100% been comments about ent sex. These soulless mfers are out here sexualizing the gardeners of middle earth

The most diabolical thing hinge does is put your ex in your standouts

Bitch I’m 40!!!!!!!

I got a spray tan today and my thong was apparently crooked, so now I have a wonky ass crack. how can I leave the house like this

all-time wow player observation: "north american players are way too employed"

Tried to watch heated rivalry but turns out my celibacy is far too precarious for that much male grunting

I made the mistake of introducing my parents to the whole foods chantilly cake and now we can't have anything else for birthdays. sometimes a bitch just wants some buttercream damn

Rdl and split squat in the same workout split is what I call an orthostatic special

now that we're unionized I just go around the unit like saul goodman "did you know you have rights"

Never have I ever zoomed in on the vent settings so fast

Hospital is pushing ai generated care plan notes, which accomplishes two things: satisfies cms requirements while obfuscating the salient info other clinicians actually want from a nursing note

met a notre dame grad wearing a IU football national champs shirt and accused him of stealing valor

You know you’re being profiled in the Uber because the driver starts playing girl boss pop country 😭

I used to get validation out of sex until I realized it’s just as validating when people go “whoa” when I boost them 🤷‍♀️