philosophyblogs (@philosophyblogs.zirk.us.ap.brid.gy)

> _“How much better it is to heal than to avenge an injury! Vengeance consumes much time, and it exposes the doer to many injuries while he smarts from one; our anger always lasts longer than the hurt. How much better it is to take the opposite course and not to match fault with fault.”_ > > _Seneca,_ On Anger _3.27 (J.W Basore Translation)_ Both romantic and platonic relationships inevitably involve disagreements, but Stoicism teaches that conflict need not undermine the relationship or our own tranquility. As _we_ have learned through years of practice, the key is to respond to each other with reason, empathy, and acceptance of each other’s flaws at the core of the response to conflict. Stoicism in this matter has been a huge help in our relationship, and one of the lessons we are reminded of is that no one is ultimately responsible for making us upset – even when it can feel that way from an initial impression when you feel provoked and lured in. Rather, it’s your own judgements and choices that determine your reaction. In this guide, we seek to outline Stoic and psychological principles with actionable steps for anyone to handle conflicts calmly and constructively. We’ll draw on core Stoic teachings – and share practical experiences to show how these ideas work in real life. It is intended for readers familiar with Stoicism who seek both modern and ancient backed advice for a loving, respectful approach to conflict resolution. These examples focus on day to day instances of navigating both friendships and romantic relationships. Many people tell us not to sweat the small stuff, but we find that not addressing the smaller issues, may result in a building of tension. It could create aggravation that can lead to something more troubling. For example, when large decisions are to be made, especially when children and/or big career moves are involved. The below are in no way a fix for more complex issues in relationships such as infidelity or abuse. If you feel unsafe, threatened, or at risk – please address this immediately, and speak to someone you trust. ### ### **Focus on What You Can Control** > _“…You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own, which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you.”_ > > _Epictetus,_ The Enchiridion _, 1 (E. Carter Translation)_ A foundational Stoic idea is the dichotomy of control. Some things are fully within your power (your thoughts, choices, and actions), and others lie outside it (your partner’s feelings, opinions, and the external situation). In relation to conflict, it’s easy to grip at outcomes or try to control the other person to get them onside. Throughout any partnership or friendship, it’s easy to become annoyed when the other side doesn’t follow through on a promise, or see things from your point of view. You can find yourself wanting to admonish or scold your counterpart. You can’t read their mind, but can control your own reaction. Instead, try asking “ _What is truly mine?”._ Epictetus advises that if you treat only what’s truly your own as such, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you… you will have no enemies, and you will not be harmed (Enchiridion, 1). In practice, this means focusing on how you choose to respond, rather than on how to control your partner’s behaviour. * **Identify your power of choice:** At the start of a disagreement, pause and ask yourself, “Is this under my control?” Maybe you feel upset at something your partner did (e.g., being late, forgetting to do a chore). Your partner’s actions are not in your power, but your judgement of them is. Remind yourself of Epictetus’ counsel above, claim only what truly belongs to you. * **Accept, don’t resent:** Recognise what you cannot change; your partner’s beliefs, mood, or the fact that things happened differently than planned. Practice a mental shrug of acceptance in this regard. By focusing on your own attitude, not on controlling your partner or their thought processes, can lead to diffusing the initial bout of frustration quickly when situations inevitably arise. * **Shift the narrative:** Think of conflict as a shared problem to solve, not a battle to win. For instance, instead of telling your partner _“You always forget to do X”_ try focusing on what you will do to make the situation manageable. “I’ll make a calendar reminder, or send you a text if it’s difficult for you to remember”. This moves the energy toward solutions you can manage. Accountability should be present on both sides, it’s important to note. ##### **Actionable Steps:** * Clearly distinguish between what you control (your own beliefs and behaviours) and what you don’t (your partner’s actions or opinions). * Consciously let go of blame for what’s outside your control. * Remind yourself of the Stoic goal to respond virtuously (with wisdom, justice, courage, and temperance) even when situations are frustrating. ### ### **Regulating Emotions** > _“The best plan is to reject straightway the first incentives to anger, to resist its very beginnings, and to take care not to be betrayed into it: for if once it begins to carry us away, it is hard to get back again into a healthy condition, because reason goes for nothing when once passion has been admitted to the mind, and has by our own free will been given a certain authority, it will for the future do as much as it chooses, not only as much as you will allow it.”_ > > _Seneca,_ On Anger _1.08 (A. Stewart Translation)_ A lot of the Stoics stress the importance of emotional regulation. Emotions like anger or outright hurt can arise suddenly in an argument, but they need not dominate you. Because once anger takes hold it can sweep away reason. We acknowledge that this advice can be difficult to action at the time of conflict, but it allows us to train our response and seek better ways to approach situations, with continued practice. It’s important to note that initial waves of anger and outbursts often pass when the rational brain kicks in. Something to remind yourself of the next time it occurs. This shift can help stop conflict in its tracks before it even begins. Staying calm is a Stoic virtue and sign of strength, not weakness. Marcus Aurelius too acknowledges this in his _Meditations_ (11.18). Prevention is better than cure. * **Take a pause:** Like mentioned above. As soon as you feel anger or frustration welling up, stop. Take a few slow, deep breaths to clear the mind. Letting the initial passion fade so that reason can re-enter. In practice, this could mean quietly counting to ten, leaving the room, or asking for a short break, “can we take a pause?” A simple act often prevents saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment. The discussion will stay constructive rather than turning into a shouting match. * **Examine your trigger points:** Ask yourself _why_ you feel upset. Often it’s because of an underlying need or expectation that isn’t being met, (respect, understanding, general safety). By identifying, and working toward the real issue, you reduce blind anger and unnecessary outbursts. * **Frame your thoughts:** Remember Marcus Aurelius & Seneca’s insight, the _consequences_ of anger are often worse than the original issue. Yelling or putting the blame on someone might feel satisfying briefly or just to you, but it usually creates new problems (i.e., resentment) instead of solving the original issue. Having a bit of foresight is hugely helpful and can help you choose patience over rage in future instances. Knowing the consequences of your actions and how they affect others can be a huge awakening for many people. ##### **Actionable steps:** * When feelings of anger spike, use a physical or mental signal to pause (e.g., stand up, walk out of the room, take a long counted breath). * Remind yourself, _“Pure rage won’t solve this, and my actions have consequences.”_ In Stoic tradition, say this quietly to yourself. * If needed, articulate the emotion calmly, “I’m feeling angry because of _X_.” Naming the emotion can help defuse it, and in turn helps the other person understand your point of view faster, meaning they have an opportunity to approach the situation with more empathy, instead of defensiveness. ### ### **Understanding Another Perspective** > _“Meditate often upon the bond of all in the Universe and their mutual relationship. For all things are in a way woven together and all are because of this dear to one another; for these follow in order one upon another because of the stress-movement and common spirit and the unification of matter.”_ > > _Marcus Aurelius,_ Meditations _6.38 (A.S.L Farquharson Translation)_ Stoicism glances at _Sympatheia_ – the idea that we are all part of a larger community and should have empathy for one another’s situation. In this context, it means trying to see the issue from your partner’s point of view, rather than poor intentions. Your partner likely has reasons for their actions or words, even if they seem irrational to you. Approaching the situation with curiosity and compassion can shift the tone dramatically. * **Ask and actively listen:** Use gentle questions, “can you help me understand what upset you?” Listen actively rather than preparing your rebuttal in your head. Even if you disagree, acknowledging their feelings validates the other person. Remember that we have two ears and one mouth. This does not mean you need to agree with everything they say, but it is very important to treat your partner with respect by listening to what they have to say. * **A shared cause:** Recall that both of you are prone to error and subject to outside influences. Marcus urges us to consider that others’ wrongdoing often stems from ignorance, not true malice and evil. This attitude cultivates _patience_ , remember that you both have flawed character traits. It’s called the human condition. * **Reframe again:** Instead of seeing your partner as an “enemy” in the argument, think of yourselves as teammates. Rephrase disagreements as _“we”_ problems. For example, instead of _“You’re always late to wake up”_ , try _“I’m feeling overwhelmed that all of the household responsibilities fall on me in the mornings”. Which turns into a conversation on how to better handle our time management in the morning._ This subtle shift reduces defensiveness, and helps the other person see that working together is for the better. What’s good for the bee is good for the hive after all. ##### **Actionable Steps:** * Before responding, mentally assume your partner has some valid reason for their feelings. This helps take the sting out of an outburst and reduces defensive tendencies. * Reflect back what you hear through active listening, “it sounds like you’re upset because of _X_ , is that right?” This shows you are trying to understand and proves you care about their feelings. * Remind yourself and them of the qualities you appreciate in them, to replace frustration with gratitude. ### ### **Communicate Rationally** > _“If a thing be not proper, do not do it; if it be not true, do not speak it. Let this be your invariable maxim.”_ > > _Marcus Aurelius,_ Meditations _, 12.17 (R. Graves Translation)_ Stoicism teaches us about clear, honest, and respectful communication. In a conflict, we want to use reason and kindness in how we speak. Avoid silly name-calling, blind accusations, or screaming at each other. Instead, focus on expressing your feelings and needs calmly. * **Use “I” vs “You” involved-statements:** Reframe some issues around yourself, e.g., “I feel hurt when…” rather than “You hurt me.” This avoids putting your partner on the defensive and makes it clear you’re sharing your inner experience, not blaming them as a person. * **Be succinct:** Rambling or bringing up old grievances can confuse the issue at hand. Stoics at the end of the day prized succinct wisdom over emotional venting. If something is bothering you, state it directly and with respect in mind. * **Set out rules.** Sometimes it helps to agree beforehand (even when calm) on a “disagreement protocol”, or phrase to set this in motion. For instance, promise to let each other finish speaking without interruption. This keeps discussions orderly, and allows time for emotions to not assent. ##### **Actionable Steps:** * If voices start to raise and tempers flair, suggest a break and reconvene in 10–15 minutes. This prevents saying regretful things, and can help encourage rational conversation. * After making your point, check with the other person: “What do you think?” Pause to let your partner speak without rushing in. * Focus on facts over interpretation: e.g., “We spent £x this month” rather than “You waste too much money on _X_ ” which is accusatory, and creates more resistance. ## ### **Acceptance (Amor Fati)** > _“…Amor fati: let that be my love from now on! I do not want to wage war against ugliness. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse the accusers. Let looking away be my only negation! And, all in all and on the whole: some day I want only to be a Yes-sayer!”_ > > _Nietzsche,_ The Gay Science _(Book 4, p. 157 Cambridge Edition)_ Nietzsche’s call to _amor fati_ (to love one’s fate) echoes long standing Stoic teachings and is an invitation to accept life as it is, without resentment or constant struggle. To be a “Yes-sayer” in his words, means embracing what is difficult, and meeting it with openness rather than accusation. So, in relationships, accepting your partner as they are is a healthy approach, helping them better themselves or influencing their decisions can be a good thing if they ask for it, without trying to mould them completely, or pressuring them in ways that override their own freedoms. During a confrontation after having expressed yourself and hearing your partner out, accept that you may not get everything you want. Such is life. What matters is preserving mutual respect and tranquillity for both parties. If a disagreement remains unresolved, recognise that tomorrow brings new opportunities for understanding. * **Premeditation of adversity:** Stoics would prepare for difficulties in advance (_premeditatio malorum_). You might say to yourself before tense moments, “we may disagree today, and that’s okay.” This mental rehearsal means that if conflict does arise, you’re ready to handle it with equanimity. It also prevents surprises, and can be used to prepare for difficult conversations that have yet to unfold. * **Focus on learning:** Instead of trying to “win” the argument, seek what you can learn. Perhaps the disagreement reveals a differing value or a miscommunication. Learning about each other is valuable for the relationship’s growth. * **Forgetting about outcomes:** Remind yourself, once you’ve communicated honestly and acted with virtue, the outcome is partly outside your control. If your partner still feels differently, accept their decision. Say to yourself, “I did what I could. If they choose differently, so be it.” This is at the heart of true Stoic acceptance. ##### **Actionable Steps:** * Adapt the mindset of Memento Mori (_remembering you are only mortal_) for conflicts, remember that life is short. Ask, “Will this matter in a week? A year?” This can reduce the sense of crisis over time. * After the discussion, make a conscious choice to release grudges. One habit is to verbally acknowledge, “Let’s both let this go and start fresh.” An offer of acceptance and protecting the sanity of both parties is important. * After a disagreement reaffirm your commitment to your values and to each other, regardless of differences. ### ### **Working on Shared Growth** > _Virtue alone affords everlasting and peace-giving joy; even if some obstacle arises, it is but like an intervening cloud, which floats beneath the sun but never prevails against it._ > > _Seneca,_ Moral Letters to Lucilius _, 27.3 (R.M Gummere Translation)_ Rather than avoiding disagreements, Stoicism encourages seeing obstacles as opportunities. In relationships, every conflict that arises is a chance to practice a type of virtue together: patience, courage, fairness, and even forgiveness. By facing disagreements with philosophical tools, you both build inner strength and deepen trust. * **Practice virtues consciously:** When a dispute comes along, pick a type of virtue to exercise, e.g., patience (don’t interrupt), fairness (listen fully), courage (speak truthfully), or humility (admit mistakes). Afterward, acknowledge to yourself how practicing that virtue affected the outcome. * **Reflecting together:** Once in a calm environment, briefly discuss what you learned. Maybe one of you will say, “I noticed how much more productive I felt when I paused instead of yelling.” These reflections reinforce all the Stoic habits above. * **Express gratitude:** After working through a conflict, thank each other for listening or for any positive steps taken. A simple, “I appreciate you listening to me” or, “Thank you for explaining how you feel” can reaffirm respect and love. Cementing the bond that you both share. ##### **Actionable steps:** * Share one thing you each appreciate about the other at the end of a difficult conversation (e.g., “I appreciate how patiently you listened.”) * Consider writing a short jointly-signed note or speaking about the agreed solution or understanding, reinforcing commitment to it. ### ### **Practical Exercises to Use Today:** We’ve compiled a short list of tasks that can be completed solo, or together if you’re interested in improving yourself and your relationships. By regularly practicing these exercises, you are reinforcing Stoic habits so that when real conflicts occur, the more rational response comes naturally. Trust us, it works with practice. * **A daily reflection:** Spend a few minutes each day, no matter what time it occurs, discussing one shared intention (e.g., “Today I’ll practice patience if we disagree about plans”). Setting this shared goal primes you both to respond thoughtfully. * **Premeditatio malorum:** Imagine small conflicts that could arise, either individually or together (e.g., traffic, a misread text) and mentally rehearse calm responses. By expecting the worst calmly, the actual event will feel more manageable. * **Shared reading:** Reading or sharing a short passage that you found useful or calming and talk about how it applies to your relationship. This can spark mental reframing during conflict. * **Other habits:** Once in a while, name one thing you’re grateful for about the other. Value love and friendship, it’s part of the Stoic ethos. Recognising what you admire in your partner fosters goodwill that carries through conflicts. In favour of avoiding disagreements, or in aid of diffusing one, stepping away from the home environment and getting some fresh air can give you a new perspective. It can serve as a low-effort way to engage in more neutral conversation to diffuse tension, making observations of what you can see to lighten the mood and this can serve as a segue to help you resolve the issue and work toward finding a solution together. ### ### **Final Thoughts** Any kind of conflict is natural in any close relationship, but Stoicism equips us to handle it without losing ourselves or hurting our partner. By focusing on what is within our control, regulating our emotions (especially anger and disdain), seeing your partner for who they are, and communicating calmly, we follow the Stoic path of virtue even under stress. In an ideal world both parties involved would be familiar with these teachings and tactics, we are aware that this is definitely not the case. But as Epictetus reminds us, only _our own judgements and actions_ are truly ours. When conflicts do arise, we can meet them with courage and hopefully patience. In our experience as a couple who actively practice Stoicism, applying these principles (including all of the above) has deepened our understanding of each other and strengthened our bond. However we still miss the mark, and frustrations do arise. Perfection simply doesn’t exist as part of the human condition, although the combination of Stoicism and knowledge of modern therapies have certainly helped in this regard. We hope these tactics and exercises help your relationships grow and develop when tricky situations arise rather than collapse. Every challenge is an opportunity to practice Wisdom and kindness – together. _____________________ #### About the Authors _Enda and Brenda Harte, a.k.a The Stoic Couple, have spent the last decade exploring Stoicism and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). As a married couple, they share their journey of applying Stoic principles to everyday life, growth, and resilience. See more of their work athttps://stoiccouple.substack.com._ #### Acknowledgements _This article draws on the experience, writing and practices that we’ve learned collectively as a couple, but we’d also like to acknowledge and show gratitude to the teachings of Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, Seneca, Musonius Rufus, Greg Sadler, Andi Sciacca, Scott Waltman & Patrick Owen for their influences in our approach._ ### Share this: * Click to share on X (Opens in new window) X * Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) Facebook * Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window) LinkedIn * Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window) WhatsApp * Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window) Email * ### Like this: Like Loading... * * * ### Discover more from Modern Stoicism Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email. Type your email… Subscribe https://modernstoicism.com/navigating-conflict-in-relationships-a-stoic-guide-by-enda-and-brenda-harte/