My boss calls me the Computer because I fall asleep if left unattended for ten minutes…

Fastest way to mess up someone's Knock Knock joke? “It's open”

Stealing clothes off a clothesline. Been there done that got the t-shirt

Just got back from the doctors after a check up, I've been diagnosed with a condition that turns my skin Battleship grey..my mum was a Carrier....

Due to personal reasons I will be saying 'Arrrrrr' and 'Aye Matey' a lot. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time....

What’s worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was supposed to be full of snakes

I have a pet tree. It’s a lot like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

I am proud to say after starting with nothing, by hard work, honesty and thrift, I still have most of it left.

Other competitors in the bread making final are talking about how happy they are and if they’d wished they had a different one to show, but I’m keeping my powdered rye.

I thought Doctor Who owned the Tardis, but it turns out he was a Tennant.

People who say their wedding day was the best day ever have clearly never had two KitKats fall out of a vending machine at the same time.

BREAKING NEWS. H has been kidnapped, if the ransom isn't paid by midnight, further steps will be taken...

I have just been diagnosed with severe insomnia.I am not too concerned though.I certainly won't lose any sleep over it.

Old Pete the serial flasher is NOT retiring, he's sticking it out for another year.

My mate keeps turning up at my house dressed as different shapes. I’m sure he’ll be round tomorrow.

I saw a guy wandering in our block, so asked who he was visiting , he said John on the 2nd floor. I asked the same question again he said the Tommy on the 5th floor . I said Ah Ah gotcha as that’s two very different stories

Life is about changing perspectives and priorities: I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, now I don’t care if they both are.

I can’t believe someone has stolen a tree from my back garden. Bring back the Birch I say.

I went a restaurant last night. I ordered me starter and the waiter wacked me across me face. I ordered the main meal and he came over again and walloped me. I ordered dessert, and he lamped me one again.... That’s the last time I go out for a slap up meal.

I read that taking your bike to work is good for the environment. So, I thought why not? I'm not using that roof rack for anything else.

Me: Have you any books by Shakespeare? Librarian: Any particular one? Me: William......

I thought that the tumble dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out, it was the refrigerator.

Just woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thank goodness I was already at work when it happened…

Recent studies have shown that birthdays are actually beneficial for us. The more of them that we have, the longer we live.

If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.

I just returned from a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

The Vinegar factory in town just burned down. Police suspect Sarson..

What do you call a pile of Coins in the rain? Climate Change!

Don't repeat the same mistakes. There are many more mistakes worth trying...

I was in grocery store earlier today when I bumped into a girl I’d recently started dating. “Oi Dave, you told me you were in the red arrows”, she said. “No I didn’t”, I explained, re-arranging the washing powder, “I told you I was in the Ariel display team”.

What do you call a pile of Coins in the rain? Climate Change!

Don't repeat the same mistakes. There are many more mistakes worth trying...

Yesterday I saw a book called "How to solve half of your problems." So I bought two.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, The Opportunist.

I could swear someone spiked my food in Cyprus last week! I had cheese during dinner and ended up with hallouminations!

My Grandad was a stilt walker in the circus,I looked up to him.

What do I know about bonsai trees? Very little.

I can't believe it!, I was out walking the dog this morning and I bumped into the man that once sold me an antique miniature globe ....its a small world..

Need to find out the cost of buying one of those Elizabethan circular neck garments for a fancy dress party. Can anyone give me a ruff estimate?

I had an appointment with a fortune teller this morning. 🔮 She told me a lot of money was coming my way. I left all excited and got run over by a Securicor van!

Just need to go and cover myself in an envelope with bubble wrap inside it. I'll be back in a jiffy…

I’ve just managed to buy Pavarotti's old campervan. It's a Nissan dormer.

I tried to buy an electric unicycle with my debit card today but got the message “insufficient balance”. How does my bank know about my clumsiness?

Sex is my cardio. Which probably explains why I’m fat

A pastry chef showed me that puddings can solve anything. He sure torte me lesson.

Just watched a French black and white movie about cheese-making. It was fromages ago!

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and can't believe I'm no longer a Kleptomaniac . I have to pinch myself.

My wife says I only have two faults... I don't listen, and something else!

National 'Pretend to be a time traveller' day was tomorrow.

Defense lawyers go out for Mexican food when they’re feeling down to get some case-ideas!