I asked the librarian if she knew any authors who wrote dinosaur novels. She said “Yes, try Sarah Topps”.

Cryogenics is nothing new, my landlord has been freezing bodies every winter for years.

Don’t buy anything from B&Q they’re rip-off merchants. I’ve just got a telescopic ladder and I can’t see a thing through it.

I took a long, hard look at myself this morning. I won't be doing that again.

Had to go the Doctor's because whenever I was outside and I saw somebody coming towards me wearing one of those whispy woollen sweaters made from rabbit fur, I'd have a panic attack. Turns out I've got Angoraphobia.

If you are scared of escalators ,there are steps you can take.

My mate started a new job as a swimming instructor. He said he doesn't like it much but it keeps his head above water.

Went to a house warming party. Turned the heating up and left .....

I stayed in a hotel this week and couldn't help noticing that some guests were continuously yawning..I guess they were half bored..

Just want to say that since I had surgery on my neck I have never looked back.

Living with a dog consists of 90% following each around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth

I wonder if the guy who created the term ‘one hit wonder’ came up with any other phrases?

I don't always go the extra mile. But when I do, it's because I missed my exit.

I'm the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolates that I ate.

Old MacDonald was dyslexic O E O E i

I wanted to study astronomy, so I installed a sky light. My upstairs neighbours are pretty upset.

I was going to say something about Wandsworth Prison but the thought just escaped me

just bought a tin of weather proofing, thought i'd treat myself

Im thinking about starting up my own waste disposal business.. any tips ?

My wife gave me an envelope marked. " Not to be opened until 2026". Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

I'm watching a video of someone testing their indicators. It's a TikTok video.

I fell off a 50 foot ladder today. Luckily, I was on the bottom rung.

I was so close to winning the World's Most Congested Nose competition. But I blew it at the last minute!

When I first moved out I got a locket with my picture inside, I wanted to be independent.

My mate asked me if I could name any famous Syrians. I said, "Well, there's Botham, McKellen, Duncan-Smith.”

Naughty genie: You get one wish Me: I wish I was rich Naughty Genie: You were rich. (Next time pay attention in grammar classes)

I've got a job in a salt and pepper factory.. it's just seasonal work.

So I rang my local garage this morning.. I said: "I've got a hole in my Volkswagen." He said: "What model is it?" I said: "It's a Polo.

The solicitor tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your Blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 4.3.”

A good friend of mine has always lived by the motto "Out with the old.. In with the new" Great bloke... terrible antiques dealer...

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey. Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed. ( but I've turned it all around and that's what it's all about)

If anyone is spending Christmas alone this year, please let me know. I need to borrow some chairs.

Dear Mrs. Stone as usual we are declining your offer to donate blood For obvious reasons

This is definitely the worst night of the year to have to send up a distress flare

I couldn't sleep last night, so I read the dictionary. By 3 am I was past caring.

Optician told me I'm shortsighted...didn't see that coming!

This weekend I went to a medieval themed orgy A good knight was had by everyone

I'm off to the Hospital. I reckon I've got pneumonoultramicrosco picsilicovolcanoconiosis, but, it's hard to say…

The wife is really unhappy about the bird table I made. She only came 7th

Bands that never quite made it. Huey Lewis & the Weather Forecast...

A man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart. I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints.

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently. I used a Squeegee board.

My cell phone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday. It was some pretty good footage.

Sang some Billy Ocean songs at karaoke last night. They loved me! They kept shouting "You are soul!"

My favourite teacher back in school was Mrs Turtle. Funny name, but she tortoise well.

It's a great time of year to purchase discounted skydiving tickets. They're having a Big Fall sale.

People worry I might spill their secrets. Meanwhile, I can't even remember why I walked into the kitchen.

I've just bought myself a pensioners GPS, not only does it tell me how to get there, but also why.

The wife says that I no longer do things that take her breath away. So I've hidden her inhaler.

Important Reminder. Please don't let your children anywhere near Fireworks. Leave them to adults, who've been drinking all day...