That sound you hear is 1 million yinzers knuckles cracking as they begin ESSAYS on their very intense opinions about downtown Pittsburgh.

Pretty sure I had more Tylenol during both my pregnancies than water and food combined. ✌️

This, but with needing to milk myself in some way. 🍈🍈🐄🥛👶🏻😣😫😖

The intensity of WEEEEEEPING I witnessed in the theater at the start of Up feels like a very before/after moment for me in how I feel about Pixar? (just like, wow, you really would go to any lengths to HURT US!!!! 💔💔💔)

No man has ever given me more mixed messages than my newborn son and whether or not he wants his f*cking pacifier or not.

Do Americans prefer protesting to voting? 🤔

Our 5 year old has watched dozens of movies with supervillains, monsters, ghosts, etc. And the two things he relentlessly fears most in the world are Leprechauns ☘️ and Elfs 🎅🏻 (as in, on shelfs.) So, boooo religious celebrations!

I did not know my dad was joking when he said he didn’t have a middle name because “we couldn’t afford it.” I thought middle names cost extra. Like, parents have to pay per letter on a birth certificate.

This is the same way I got pregnant.

Me reading this sentence:

Mike and I SHOUTING “No it’s not!!!!!” in unison in response to Perry say “cool car” when a Cybertruck drove past us was a real glimpse into shoving a political ideology down our kids throat.

Dollywood bought Kennywood and my dreams of the (Kenny) Log(ins) Jammer, that plays a little clip of Highway To The Danger Zone as you go down the big hill is closer than before.

Perry is in a phase where he LOVES explaining things 😒, and when he starts to excitedly go down some rabbit hole how Orion Pax became Optimus Prime and the specific way they transform I’m like “my man, I’m done dating for one lifetime and do not need to pretend to be interested in this anymore.”

If there are 2 of me and you need to determine the fake Abby, put me in a car and have someone tail me (when I’m going FAST!) and if I don’t immediately slow the f*ck down to punish and trap them and make them more mad and they tail me even harder and I revel in their annoyance —it’s the robot.

The one day people are trying to get everyone to do an economic blackout is the right day to tell everyone how you have stopped shopping at every major retailer and we should too! The best assignments are given in the middle of other ones.

I am staring at my phone while my 5 year old tries to fall asleep and I guess I had a frown from just concentrating? He just said “Mom, why do you look mad?” BABYS FIRST “YOU SHOULD SMILE MORE.”

All kids have a “comfort object” , a lovey, a favorite stuffed animal or blankie. Perry has a Main one, with 2 supporting ones, all 3 are necessary. He has Diana Ross and the Supremes.

I appreciate companies making “tagless” shirts, but not when it just migrates to being 3 CVS receipts worth of tags on the inside down by the hipppppp

Autocorrect is the world’s biggest joke killer.

This is impossible but: -Who’s that Girl? -Frozen/Ray of Light (I know that’s two but they were like the sun and moon of that one album) -Live to Tell -Dear Jessie -Like a Prayer

Sorry to all the parents of preschool friends who might face some tough conversations with their kids this week but we told Perry, in no uncertain terms, that leprechauns do not f*cking exist. Your teacher made the green footprints & the mess!! He has been a prisoner of FEAR long enough!!!

[Low-importance venting] Can my feed not have every post start with “BUCKLE UP. [some diff new horror].” Who are you talking to? Your feed is/should be people who have been buckled up for this since they canvassed, wrote letters, & voted blue. It feels very *I* saw this coming.

Would dumping tea in a harbor help anything??

“My nose is RAW” 🤧 -me all day, but to the tune of …

To clarify, not a Great Aunt. An aunt. My dad’s sister. Who was old. Bc we’re old. And also, our kids *fifth* birthday. We aren’t even on the second hand yet. I hope this doesn’t make me hate sandwiches.

God speed to anyone that’s happy that Thanks-to-President-Trumps-efforts-Tok is back.

Coming to theaters in 2043, “Dark Air” starring Jennifer Connolly

My phone camera: “Hold still.” My son: “No.”

Did you guys used to watch literally anything on TV that your parents were so you could delay going to sleep? I declare this a top 10 cute parenting experience!!! “Why did he win the Golden Earth??” -Perry’s first Globes Jan 2025 😍🤩😂

Perry’s first Pitt game was a success! (Like mom used to be, had a great first half then struggled to eat enough to be entertained during second). #H2P 💙💛💙💛

Gotta love the holiday cards from extremely we’re-not-close aunts and uncles. 😂

The universe corrected itself tonight when Perry was insisting on opening a new toy (“we forgot to play with these ones!”) at 11:30pm. He is 4, if you didn’t know.

Just had the first “cmon mom and dad, let’s get me to bed!” experience of a child on Christmas eve and I’m shaken! #upisdown #leftisright

[Carrie narrates] “And I couldn’t help but wonder, maybe my beloved city didn’t have sinkholes. Maybe we were all just too high up.”

And the Lord said “my son, when you only saw one sinkhole, it was then that I …knew I had to make more sinkholes.”

The real sinkhole was the friends we made along the way.

🎯🎯🎯

(Okay someone remind me this is my answer if I get asked in future.) I think the bougiest thing about me as an adult is I can no longer eat microwave rice. Owning and using a rice cooker has ruined me for quick meals.

Watching Day of the Jackal, the main takeaway is no matter what completely extreme, unhinged, corners of humanity some British people may operate on, they still all need a steady intake of tea. ☕️🫖

The way little kids can ANNIHILATE YOU with a few words. Dad: “Goodnight buddy, I had so much fun with you today.” 4 yo: “What was fun about today?” 🔥🔥🔥🔥🚒🚒🚒🚒 #rooooooasted

So Facetime in public (quiet) places is just …fully what we’re doing now? We hear your whole conversation, both sides! Unless this is very interesting, please stop.

Post a PERFECT album from the 90s that isn't Nirvana or Pearl Jam

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Altoona PA has the most elite, highly trained tactical police squad in the world! He made a grave error in underestimating them.

"There's no way anyone will look for me in Altoona" was a very solid theory.

My lil guy doesn’t know the word “yesterday” so he says “the day before this day” and every anecdote sounds like the damn Gettysburg Address

“Honestly, a purely “romance” film would be a porno” -contextless (and upsetting) thing my husband said tonight.

Hoda just flubbed “rockettes” and said ”rocketti” and honestly that sounds delicious.

Another year, another full scale attack on me because I legitimately love turkey meat.

My kingdom for a photo.