This hurts.

Ok I'll do it. No other fucker is going to do it. Yet again, it'll be me picking this up. I'll eat the fudge and the milky ways.

Each morning, all last term, I’ve had a drink of lemon juice, fresh ginger and turmeric; one shot every morning from a bottle I keep in the fridge. Well, it seems that last night Alex didn’t finish his very strong rum cocktail, so he put the leftovers in a bottle. In the fridge. That woke me up.

I really want to have a sober, early night so I'm not tired for tomorrow and sleep ok tomorrow night. But it's the last night of the holiday and I really want a beer and to stay up late to savour every last moment of holiday. Decisions, decisions...

Beautiful walk with a couple of little pals. No snow though.

I’ve moved my work bag from the car into the house. This is an important first step.

So far today I’ve had a sausage sandwich, a bacon and egg sandwich, 3 pieces of baclava, 8 sensations, a yoghurt, some Brie, a croissant, about 43 chilli nuts, a beef and cheese sandwich, 4 crackers with Stilton, pasta with mozzarella and some mackerel pate. This can’t go on.

And with the sound of slippers being removed, the rustle of duvets and pillows being packed, the packing of coats and spare milk, they’re gone. Which way you gonna go, I say to jeff. I’ll just follow Wazz, he says, we’ll probably call in at Marks’ in Carmarthen. And they will.

And then they’re leaving. They open the doors of the boys’ bedrooms and peer in while they’re sleeping, just for a final glance before they go. Elaine, of course, whispers loudly at Jeff not to wake them, but they have a quick glance at each other before they close the door.

I just run granny, he says.

Ruud is talking through his tries today with Elaine. How did you know where to run, she asks. He laughs, I don't know granny I just know. Look at those legs, she says, how did they get so long. He laughs again. You used to run round my lounge like that, she says quietly.

Ruud decides to go out. He can't, shouts Elaine. Why not, I laugh. It's freezing, she says, and he hurt his leg playing rugby. He'll be fine, I laugh again. It's so late and it's dark, she says. It's 7 and he's not going into the Bronx, Jeff says. Well I wouldn't go, she says.

So now we're watching Welsh rugby, in Welsh. Jeff helpfully adds bizarre details every time a player's name is mentioned. His mother lives near haverford west, he says. His dad played for Ebbw Vale, he says. He's a keen trainspotter, he says. About every single player.

Well that didn't last long. Peace is shattered as she shouts up the stairs. It's freezing out there, she says, sniffing. I was just having a snifter, I say. Bit early, she scowls Jeff did you want a beer, I shout. No, she shouts Oh go on then, he says.

There is a god. They've all gone for a walk, I have some moments of bliss to myself with the last drop of yesterday's almost flawless Portuguese red wine. And breathe.

So within seconds he's at the sink, running taps, wiping, scraping, banging. All under the searching, laser like gaze.if Elaine, who sits commenting on everything. It's exhausting.

And after every meal a military operation ensues. It's high energy scraping, and stacking, and wiping, and spraying with an almost medical precision, and before you know it the room is like a sterile environment again. No one speaks, it's like a grim determination..

J and E can, you'll be surprised to hear, quite judgemental at times. I think it's part of the chapel heritage, pious Protestantism etc. Elaine's the sort that thinks having cream on a bun is scandalous gluttony. She monitors and comments on everything anyone eats or drinks..

If you listen carefully, in the background, you can hear a screeching as Rudi scores...

Have you had breakfast, elaine shouts. I’m fine, I say, I think I’ll get rudi up and take him to the rugby. I thought we were all going later, she says. No no it’s good, I’ll take him, I say and go upstairs. I’m sure I see a little smile of victory as I leave the room.

So don’t touch the toaster, I say. Have you had tea, shouts elaine. I’ve done the dishwasher now, says J. How far down does Claire like her blinds, elaine shouts while reaching towards the window. I said it was a simple job, he says. I can’t deal with this.

I put some toast on. Jeff look at me, I say. What, he says. I don’t want you to touch this bread, I say. He looks at it. Don’t press anything on that toaster and if it pops up, leave it alone I say. Right, he says. Don’t do it, I say, I’m on the edge this morning now.

You sleep ok, I ask E. Well he woke me with his snorting and snoring and I thought someone was being murdered so it was half four before I closed my eyes then I could hear the cat at 5 and then he started again and I’m sure a tractor started up the hill though why at this time..

Elaine joins the party. Why you doing that now, she shouts. Don’t start, he says, it’ll only take me 5 minutes. The dishwasher works fine, I say, please leave it. You’ve been banging about for hours, she says. Don’t talk rubbish, he shouts. Can I just have my breakfast, I say.

Do you have to do it now, I ask. Well I thought I’d do it while it’s quiet, he says (still emptying). Jeff it’s half past fucking 8, I say. It’s a simple job, he says. You said that last time you fixed the boiler, I say, and you flooded the place. That was different, he says.

In a morning, I need 30 minutes of gentle quiet before I’m ready to face the world. So I come down to jeff clattering cutlery and plates and a sense of general business. What’s going on, I ask. Your dishwasher isn’t straight, he says, so I’m emptying these. Right, I say.

Jeff's phone bursts into life, as does his device and another phone as they're all linked. Who's that, shouts Elaine. I don't know yet, he says. I laugh. Oh it's Dai the chair, he says. Who, says Ruud. Dai! He had a leg amputated and is in a wheelchair, Jeff smiles.

Claire got me a belt. I need this now, I say, I'm losing weight again. That's not a bad thing, shouts Elaine. Well it could be, I say, last time I lost weight like this I nearly died. Well at least you'll be thin, she shouts.

My boys know me so well...

Elaine may have misjudged how much Rudi has grown. Obviously, it was Jeff's fault. He told me to get that one, she seethes, but I told him it's made in China and they're all much smaller than us. Wonderful.

Every fucking time. He plonks himself in my chair every time.

Right, we've got the Wii out, I have a rum cocktail and I'm signing out. Sending you all health, happiness and the success you deserve. Happy Christmas, groovy fuckers.

Playing herd mentality. What song does everyone know the lyrics to. Me: happy birthday. Claire: happy birthday. Alex: happy birthday. Ruud: happy birthday. Jeff: happy birthday. Elaine: Peggy sue.

20 minutes later I come back down. Well I thought he'd had a stroke, she says, his mouth was all wonky (she does a weird impression) and I said you shouldn't be eating that pastie well it turns out he'd had a tooth out and that didn't help as he was numb.. I go back upstairs.

I have to go upstairs for respite. Elaine has been talking incessantly for about 5 hours now, and my post Covid brain can't cope. When I leave she's talking about Roger. He always comes round at lunchtime, she snarls, and I can't eat until he's gone. I leave.

Did you like the gin, I say to E. It's got cranberry in it, she says, that's good for women. I didn't put it in for help with cystitis, I say. She almost chokes on it, tell him Claire, she shouts. What, I say. There's no need, she says swigging the gin, on Christmas eve.

I see they've got a defib at the village hall, says E looking at me. I quite like knaresborough, says J. That's good, I say, could save someone's life. Although it's busy, he says. And it's too far, she shouts. The village hall is pretty central, I say. Knaresborough, she shouts.

Why don't you have a Christmas gin, I say to her. What's in it, she says suspiciously. Gin, I say. What else, she says. It's a surprise, I say, Claire's had one. She watches as I make it. I'll give it a go, she says...

Do you want a beer Jeff,I say. It's too early, Elaine spits, he'll be snoring. Oh come on it's Christmas, I say. I suppose I could have one, he says. That's the spirit,.I smile, as Elaine shuffles off to the tongue seething.

By now, Ruud has cottoned on. I think you need to change the password, he says, looking at me. I think I know how to do it, he says. I can do it, he says. I stare at Ruud..he's such a spoilsport.

You're always on it, she shouts. No I'm not- I listen to the radio, he shouts. It blares out, she says. That's not why this is broken, he says. Is he on it all the time, I ask helpfully. Yes, she shouts. Maybe he's worn it out, I say. See you've worn it out, she spits.

He's sat staring at the tablet with a frown on his little face. I've sent you an email Jeff, I say, see what you think. He frowns harder. I'm not getting them, he says, I don't know why. You've broken it from over use, Elaine shouts. No I haven't, he shouts back. Marvellous.

Due to an upgrade, our password for the internet changed recently. Jeff hasn't noticed, so for the last hour he's been staring at his tablet, wondering what's going on. I don't really want to tell him because it's such fun.

I see 4 have died in France from that MERS, says Jeff. That doesn't sound good, I say. They saw it's worse than the corvid, he says. I bet, I say. Although it's got a fertility rate of 37%, he says. Blimey that's some performance, I say. Pause. Do you mean fatality rate, I ask.

Do you remember the way, I say to Jeff. I think so, he smiles, it's straight down the hill. Do you want me to put it into wazz, I ask. No it's ok, he says. How about Waze, I say. I know the way, he says. But Waze can show you the way, I say. I know the way, he says. Never mind..

During the summer, Jeff walked down to the bridge every day to see how they were getting on with the flood defences. It got to the point where the workmen used to wait for him to show him what they'd done. So he's off down now to see what the finished product looks like.

Sarah fell off a ladder, says E. I got 38 to the gallon which isn't bad, says J, disappointed Shattered her knee, says E. But you pay less for petrol, he says. Who's Sarah, I ask Broke it, she shouts. The ladder, I ask. I'm only doing 8k a year now, he says. Her knee, she shouts

There are 17 different bags. Food, pillows, coats, presents and Christ knows what else. I open one and see something in bubble wrap. That’s the lamb, elaine warns me off. You’ve bubble wrapped the lamb, I say, what would you do that. I had some left in the garage, says jeff.

I had to turn it off mind, he says, as it kept talking at me. What did, I ask. The woman in the wazz, he says. Waze, I say. What, he says. It’s called Waze, I say. What did I say, he says. Wazz, I say. What is it again, he says. Don’t worry about it, I say.

172 miles, beams jeff as he walks in carrying huge numbers of bags. What, I say. I tried that Wazz, he says, and although it was longer it was much quicker. Wazz, I say. It’s a gps app and it sent us Heads of the valley, he says. Waze, I say as the penny drops.