Can you all please stop asking santa for the perfect man. I nearly got kidnapped 3 times today.

Don't you love it when you're cutting the wrapping paper and it goes like "———" instead of "~~~~~"

Triscuits are what l imagine the inside of a scarecrow tastes like

"I just told you 2 minutes ago" I do not control the remember

A fabric tomato filled with needles. You don’t see that much anymore

How introverts make friends: 10% - They don't. 90% - An extrovert found them, liked them, and adopted them.

i'm that person who will restart a song because i got distracted and wasn't appreciating it enough

Imagine you and me as cows in Switzerland enjoying the view and saying 'mooo' every day

Do you ever open a text and think "I will reply when I have the energy" and then BOOM it's been two weeks and you're a terrible person

i never seen a year go as fast as this one

You don't have to transform overnight for God to be proud of you. Every small step you take toward Him matters more than you think.

The most unthinkable part of Home Alone is that they had pizza and milk for dinner the night before an international flight.

I'm feeling really anxious but haven't decided the main reason yet

Christmas shopping is so hard when your personality is like you know who would love this?? Me

I can't believe I have to say his, but pplease don't bring your socially anxious friend out to a gathering just to ignore them or leave them alone with a group of people they don't know well

I love when I'm in the middle of speaking and suddenly I'm like, wait, I literally don't agree with what I'm saying.

"Your body is a temple." My body is, at best, a bouncy castle that is slowly deflating.

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: "Just checking my balance."

Plane rides are weird to me because why are so many people leaving from where I am and going to where I'm going on the exact same day and time?

if you don't sacrifice for what you want, what you want is gonna be the sacrifice

You will have to pry Times New Roman 12pt Font from my cold dead hands.

Nobody's overthinking your content as much as you are

In case you're wondering, yes, we can absolutely reschedule. I don't care who you are or what we were planning on doing, i am 100% okay with not doing that thing at this time.

My resume is just a list of things I never want to do again

Do short people also start their stories like "when I was little" or do they just say "as l am today"?

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

there should be a grammy for best voice note sent over text

I think something is missing in my life ... like 3-4 Million dollars.

In awe of people I see jogging with no headphones. Not in it for the health, but in it for the suffering.

I just found out some people do sock, shoe, sock, shoe. Not sock, sock, shoe, shoe. I'm sorry... what kind of emotional instability is that.

The nicer the house, the harder to find the kitchen trash can.

neighbor: [knocks at door] "your dog was barking at 4am this morning" me: "its almost like he has no concept of time"

Stages of holiday shopping 1. Plenty of time 2. Gifts for myself 3. Oh no

you can"t just abbreviate phrases all william nilliam

I like that we made a butterfly landing on you something special. Because that is a bug

Apple, if I unsend a message just let it be that. The whole announcement is crazy

no one: me: do you want ur present now?

How do you professionally say, "If you book me in meetings all day, when do you expect me to get this work done?" in corporate?

I used to be cool but now I say things like "Why is it so loud in this restaurant?"

I think the funniest thing ever is when you wake up a snoring person and tell them "You gotta stop." like they can control it

So what do y'all think Mac N. Cheese's middle name is! I'm serious.

The worst part about shopping online is having to get up and get your card

In conclusion I need a cinnamon roll

Do you ever go to a big city and think "I bet their TJMAXX is incredible" bc I do

Very bold of the creator of spinach and artichoke dip to name it that when it's 95% cheese

Day 10 without coffee: Lost hearing in my right arm.

Neverrrr underestimate how much of a blessing it is to have zero health problems

Remember spelling tests? Teachers would be like "Take out a sheet of lined paper and number it 1-20."

"So what do you want for Christmas?" Well, lately I've been really into groceries and gas. Utilities are cool. Stuff like that.

"We should catch up soon" is the biggest lie of adulthood