Oh, they cancelled Southend Pride next month.

Hiya! Quite beardy. Practicing my horse stance in the disabled loo.

The bar we're in is a lover of a butcher's apostrophe.

Power failure at Pitsea and I'm stuck on a train at West Horndon, the worst of all the Horndons. Today has not been a good day for public transport in and around London.

I need Microsoft to know that I don't go around recommending their cloud business solutions to ANYONE.

WHY IS THE STATION DESERTED oh yeah there's a tube strike. Guess I'll be walking through London like it's twenty eight days later.

Thirty years in the making but it's time to get the Yanks back for taking the piss out of us and mad cow disease.

My use of the phrase "Eee yer jokin' arn ya?!" has increased infinitely since that Smoggie Queens minimarathon.

NHS Blood Donation people phoning from a different number and I picked it up. How DARE they trick me.

I emailed my solicitor this morning and got a reply within 5 minutes. I'm still in shick.

It's @vazduho.bsky.social's birthday! Here he is fulfilling the annual obligation of making his own birthday cake! I'd do it for him but we've agreed he's much better at it.

We tried the Southend parmo so you don't have to. It's legit.

Found this potato photo of the backbar in my old pub in 2005 and would you LOOK at the price of beer?!

Oh look! An old, white, wealthy, straight, cis-gendered man has an opinion!

I will haunt the comment section of every Labour MP I see posting "Love is love". They can fucking keep it.

My thoughts are with Islington Council's cleanup crew this morning, hosing away all of that piss.

On the 0620 to London Fenchurch St, though I'll be changing at West Ham for Canary Wharf. Look! A ruined castle on a hill! We have these dotted about everywhere around here. In the ancient county of Essex.

That there's a large cohort of gay and bisexual men supporting Reform does not surprise me. You only have to visit a gay bar in Clapham (or, you know, Southend if it still had one) to hear the most backward, moronic hot takes about immigrants and trans people. We all know a casually racist faggot.

Shows like the West Wing and (the US remake of) House of Cards would have us believe that the US Government takes itself very, incredibly seriously, and then the real government does stuff like this and you realise that is not true at all. Where is that post about them all being 12-year-olds?

This shit is NOT helping my apoplexy. Our mortgage offer is from January, a month before Trump did his thing, and it expires in SIX WEEKS. It will DOUBLE (ok not quite) if we don't get in on time. www.theguardian.com/money/2026/m...

About six weeks ago I just stopped going to the gym. Mental breakdown incoming?

First Hoopla I'm not going to this year. I've been to them all! It just doesn't feel like it's the same festival anymore, you know?

THERE'S BABY SWAN GOSLINGS OUTSIDE THE OFFICE

A cool fact about me is that the first thing I do when I go outside is sneeze, because I have a photic sneeze reflex (AKA ACHOO syndrome).

A good friend of mine completed on his flat purchase today, which is lovely! But it should have happened to me.

How do you know if a British comedian has become a parent? DON'T WORRY THEY'LL WRITE A STAND-UP ROUTINE ABOUT IT. GOD, ISN'T BEING A PARENT ABSOLUTELY MAD??

This is at Madam Tussauds, right? Melted paralysis demons. Waxy fascist ghouls.

I hope my solicitor has had her coffee, cos I have her phone number, and this Karen's just turned into terrorists.

I'm in London!

I have not left the flat today and I am refusing to feel guilty about it.

Popped a plant on our ninth floor, south-west-facing balcony in 30°C sunlight for a few hours to kill an infestation of bugs and instead I think I just air-fried the plant. I've given it a wee water to see if it uncurls.

What is Labour going to do about this unbearable humidity?

I've lived by the sea again for 18 months now and I still haven't put my feet in it.

Trick question. There are no United States of American foods because they took them all from the Mexicans, Italians and Germans.

I've got a really cool idea for a YouTube video: we get a Brit and a Seppo together and make them compare British and American foods.

30°C today in England, so you can guarantee that in a tent somewhere in Berkshire, this year's Bake Off contestants were tempering chocolate or making ice cream cake.

Found some more urinals.

My shorts were so short I was able to hoik them up and hang my dick (and arse cheek) out of the right leg of them to piss, and I fear the sight of my doing that at the urinal may have sent an Old Gay into a froth.

There was a woman in Soho wearing a Boro shirt and I should have said UTB! but I didn't.

Here I am by some urinals in the Welly.

I've written to my MP to oppose this trans segregation, and I would urge you to, too. For what it's worth.

More of the same from the More Of The Same party.

I'm driving the train

Saw a regular from my old pub, and she said "Oh yeah I remember your face!" and I thought MY FACE?? I know your NAME. I know your DRINKS ORDER. I know what you'd put on the JUKEBOX. I know your EX BOYFRIEND. I know when you had to leave for your LAST TRAIN. My face. Christ. We become nothing.

Got a 20kg kettle bell. A 20kg kettle bell is heavier than a 20kg dumbbell, and that's science.

Just at the GP surgery to tell a robot about my bollocks.

Oh my god Stewart from Smoggie Queens is called Stewart Park. That's so stupid.

I've been dressing like I did in 1997 since 1997, so I think I'm immune to that millennial midlife crisis thing.

Bluesky needs a Fail Whale.