I have this one friend that only talks to me when they need something and it’s so like. sad. disheartening. Like. It makes me want to not live here anymore. And it’s kind of my own fault because I should probably just tell them to kick rocks but a part of me wants to believe they’ll be a good person

Everytime this happens I just absolutely fucking lose myself and I think I choose not to this time. If I can stomach it. just. ugh.

I keep checking my phone like something is going to change but nothing is going to change.

I have to collect myself so I do not break down

I give up! you’ve won universe. that is officially the second time someone’s cut me off without saying anything to me or talking to me. I get it. I’m not worth loving.

I wish people didn’t have to pity me to care about me when I need it.

it’s gearing up to be a k*ll myself or go to sleep night

sometimes when I hear wind by akeboshi I want to hold a younger me that cries and cries and pat their back because I know that things don’t get better in the way they’re expecting

I feel like people don’t enjoy my personality enough to be invested in me. I wish desperately that others were nearly as invested in me unconditionally as I am for them. I have so much love in my heart. I brim with love for myself but I feel like people don’t find me nearly as interesting

I feel happy. Secure even

sometimes I wonder if itd take for me to die for my friends and family to think about how they didn’t really put as much time or thought into me or the things i say

I dont need anybody

i give up

everyone isn’t talking to me

I want to drink tommorow and I want to not think about anything

I have no hope for anything

why does everyone just come to me when they’re sad.

*slaps tummy* this bad girl can self isolate and existentialize and suffer without asking for any affirmations so good

I feel deeply out of place everywhere. I don’t have solace or comfort in anything anymore. I feel really cold and alone. I want to throw up. I feel like im in a layered prison where I’ll never escape and nothing I do; no people I try to be friends that I’ll never really be happy or get what I need

the other day I finished watching taking takopi’s original sin and I just cried for 20m alone. I needed that. so bad. So much stress and exhaustion and sadness were just, lifted off my shoulders for that.

sometimes I think about my younger self and how I was so utterly lonely and sad and lost and different as a child. I wish I could just go back in time and hold the younger me because I know how hard it is to feel the way I do

i think that it is time that i get back into books as a method of distraction

pearl scenes make me sick to my stomach because i know every bit of how she feels and it is agonizing to be put under a lense in any capacity so closely

I hope that they’re long gone by now; dead in the ground.

I wish I wasn’t constantly disappointed

this isnt aimed at any ex or person in my life but everyone nd the world that continously gives me the chance to crash the fuck out. you will not win. in spite of how frustrating this world is i will be kind. i will be sweet and sensible. fuck you

maybe it is log off for the night time

I am thought about often

im setting aside time to write a will really soon. a digital one. stored on a flash drive. a couple of things. alot of things really, letters dressed to friends and family. just incase something happens like my health declines. specific instructions left for my mom to tell everyone if somethings on

all things considered i had the potential to be so much worse.

I don’t think I’ve ever been authentic in my relationships because my existence is like a clenched asshole. In the sense that I do so much keeping my bpd at bay that I never put forth most of my genuine authentic feelings

I blew a condom up for fun like a balloon but the tip looks like a nipple and I started sucking on it and for some reason it made me think of my best friend who has really big..anyways it scared me a little and I almost started crying cause I felt guilty for liking it

sometimes when im talking to my ex i remember all the little things about them that made me fall. and i think about the things they say to me about their life and how in a very small part of my heart i still wana protect and care for them. but a louder part of me fundamentally understands like,

I think it’s kind of funny that for someone that’s so prideful and self preserved I’m shameless and pretty much spineless in the face of everything around me

if what i think happened is currently happening i will be so overwhelmingly happy

that was so fucking stupid why did I do that

I touch myself with my headphones on

my dad is mean to me in my dreams and it hurts because I know that he loves me and wouldn’t be mean to me if he was alive :(

sometimes I think about how my ex Quinn thinks that I’m an abuser and it makes me so genuinely frustrated as someone who has faced actual abuse

everyone always talks to me as a last resort. I always have to talk to them when they have nobody else. I’m almost never talked to out of someone’s own volition. do you know how crippling it is to my sense of self worth to have continually been everyone’s last resort

left on seen twice by one of my friends oh I get it now

I spent tons of money on fast food this week because I was sad and lonely. even when my friends don’t make time for me I can just stuff my face and not think about it.

I wish that I was worth meaningful effort.

I want human connection

I feel empty inside.

I don’t really even feel like myself. I feel like I’m just an interloper in my own body like I’m just here and presently fucking someone else’s life up. I feel terrible by it.

I have so much sadness and anger to address in therapy that I will probably never get