𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓼𝓽 𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓹 𝓽𝓪𝓵𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓲𝓼 𝓽𝓮𝓷 𝓶𝓲𝓷𝓾𝓽𝓮𝓼 𝓪𝓰𝓸. 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓮𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓭 𝓫𝓮𝓼𝓽 𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮 𝓲𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝔀. -Proverb

If you’re a person who enters a building without even glancing back to see if there’s someone else coming that you could hold the door for, how did you get that way and also what’s your problem

My kid is putting his markers away, sighing, and muttering to himself “it never stops”

My kid pointed at some garbage on the sidewalk and said “The police will find out who did this.” So I see my teachings about not littering are getting through but maybe not the ones about cops

My greatest 3D models

Found at the Japanese rummage sale … would love to ask some questions to whoever put together this cover art

why does eminem sound so angry? he has money

Walked by a Payless store downtown and my weeb ass thought it was Crunchyroll

my dad didn’t move to america so I could have a better life, he moved here because he likes white women and pickup trucks, he doesn’t even really like me actually

I’ve actually lived a lot of life considering the first 18 years were spent learning how to walk, talk, eat, drive, work, and the last 20 were spent staring at my phone

It's not racist, it's a heated gaming moment It's not racist, it's digiorno Maybe it's racist, maybe it's Maybelline

Hollywood Studio: we have a major problem. Cis actors want to dress up and play trans for awards but we’re dangerously low on puns. Transamerica is already taken. So are Transparent, Transformers, and Hotel Transylvania. What we really need is more writers

I kept winning online gin rummy & was accused of being a hacker so I wrote as many digits of pi as I could think of in chat & now im blocked

Me looking in the mirror after I floss my teeth

John Lennon's vision rewritten for today - still good IMO. "Imagine all the soups... specifically any two 32 oz soups"

This doctor's office hold music is aqueous transmission by incubus. Starting to think this doctor is my middle school boyfriend breaking up with me

i know my face is killing you, but it is also hurting me, i have TMJ

my man cave is where i put all my insecurities

It’s kind of fucked up that multiple “Best Dad Ever” mugs get made and sold instead of just one mug that gets passed to the One True Best Dad

bitch, everybody does

Is Tater Tag a thing? Like laser tag with potato guns

Brock Stoker: Vampire Stock Broker

Ugh, I got called "ma'am" today. The only titles I accept are "PRINCESS," "BARON," "SHERIFF," "THE HONORABLE," and "SIR"

copying my dumb tweets over to this account in an act of vanity before i delete them but this is how i find out the archives only go back 10 years?! i've been tweeting nonsense since 2008...