When I'm not trying to please someone, to be liked, to fit in, I realise figuring out what I like to do for me is a bit of a puzzle. When I was little I liked to design dolls clothes, make them out of paper or crochet. I could play post office with toys solo for hours. I liked to turn cartwheels

Out of curiosity I googled what are parentified children like as adults. And read all about why I am who I am.

I want this to be true.

I believed I had Uz Dog on a short enough lead that he couldn't stray from the wide track we were on. I was wrong. I hadn't realised the wire was an armed electric fence and we will not be speaking of this ever again.

I feel like I've now bought <all> the bras. I look forward to throwing away every over stretched, or downright uncomfy or weird coloured bra I own. In fact, all my bras. I've been working from home and haven't worn one in some time.

Ordered two bras online, different brands. Pray for me. Sloggi's smallest are too large (which makes me sad), I'm an age where my shoulders aren't perfect so taking an over the head one off is difficult. And I don't like my nipples visible through a t shirt.

My priority wellbeing task for today is orderca new bra that fits. To that end I now realise I am a 30 inch, and I have no idea how that happened.

I am getting a lot "firmer" with other dog owners who attempt to leash shame me while their free range dog is off lead, they aren't even in sight and their dog is approaching every other dog in sight. I do not have things to learn from these people.

I have become someone who owns and reads rather a lot of self help books. Yes, I am desperate for change.

Truly embracing "Let Them" theory. Let them be responsible for their bins, their bicycles, their behaviours, tempers, decisions, wellbeing. I will not pre empt nor intervene with adults who can handle their own wellbeing

Listening to the Mel Robbins Podcast episode on The Let Them Theory: How to take back your Peace and Power Suddenly I can feel some boundaries being drawn, and a timeline for change, because there are things I'd like to do and they have been pushed to one side because of someone else's needs.

I used to be able to read long poetry. Now, I realise, a sonnet is, in fact, the perfect length.

Pondering what, in my current role, I'd do differently if a magic wand was waved and whatever I did, I could not fail. How much braver would I be?

I shouted at the dog and I feel awful. I don't think I've ever shouted at a person so why did I do that. He looked scared and his tail was down. He doesn't do tail down. I have resolved not to do it again.

I realise one of my triggers is when I feel I'm being unreliable. It's a fundamental part of me and how I see myself. It's important to me, and a big part of self. Yet I feel I'm being flaky in terms of work, voluntary activity, group activity, friendships. I'm not me in the things I care about.

Current status, reading about how to make pomodoro work after realising interruptions are happening during every single cycle. Dog, partner, delivery people, neighbours, workmen (not ours). My position is not viable. I'm not sure how I've let it get to this point. Probably should go into the office

It's not often I read a poem for my #poemfortoday and find a source which doesn't feel like it breaches a copyright. Today is one of those days! Dylan Thomas and "The Hand That Signed The Paper". Makes me wince. poetryarchive.org/poem/the-han...

Explained to boss that the last week I have had cognitive issues I was putting down to MS and stress (which I manage, by pushing through and focusing hard on when I get a break), but in reality I maybe have mild concussion. So that's fun.

🧶

I am still reading my poem a day but I'm using so many paper sources it's proving really hard to share without a horrible breach of copyright. I owe the poets whose work I'm enjoying, the right to their words. I'm enjoying the book "Poems that make Grown Women Cry" with the explanations of why.

In other news, one thing I love about veganuary are the algorithms giving me recipe suggestions. Currently considering Turkish bread. Also loving that we have a zero waste shop, Millers Refillers where I can buy fairly exact quantities of things I don't usually have.

Having not thought I hit my head, I realised yesterday I have a tender bruised area on the back of my noggin, and that I've spent the last week believing I was having MS cognitive issues, and MS stress related nausea. So there's that.

This is what I started this weekend. 🧶

I may have visited my bsky happy place. The Crochet and Knitting bit.

The Daily Stoic podcast made me feel supported in my recent insistence that I have 90 minutes a day to be me, not be me with a dog, not be me doing house chores. To be me being me. It is not that much to ask.

I'm listening to the Daily Stoic podcast from New Year's Eve. I realise the person I want to be is the person my friends think I am. Which must be do-able, yes?

Unless you're also on foot, I think other people's struggles are invisible to you because you are transitory and your count of people seen is limited to a fraction of a second in passing.

That slightly painful moment of having held onto some random Watford FC programmes from the 1990s and facing the fact that the recycling bin is the only home I'll find for them.

The most important update you'll see today.

Have started intensive training of other half so he feels suggesting things and decision making is as much responsibility for him as it is for me. There is a lot of "what do you suggest" going on in reply to questions. I'm tired of the micro decisions.

I can't even look at my Resilience Agenda diary today because there was just one entry and it all fell apart because the sodding dog decided to unplumb an outside pipe and my weekend away just crumbled.

I'm just not feeling it for a snow bomb

Still enjoying the tiny three things a day that are important to my wellbeing. Yesterday I sorted out the Tesco order (it was on my mind because this is an odd week where I'm going away, and I want to take wine with me).

Worrying in the wee hours about how to get our dog more time running free. Since his refusal to get in the van meant the dog paddock visit didn't happen, and since he attempted to abscond from a local playing field (stopped by another dog owner on the exit footpath) it's been tricky.

Definitely. 🧶 #knit

Today I did all three things I listed as important in my Resilience Agenda diary. I feel good about this. I organised dog walker so I can have a guilt free weekend away, I properly reflected on my "why do I feel bad" vicious circles and acknowledged progress.

I'm disproportionately confused because I lost a friend on Finch App. I wonder if I disappointed her somehow. I sent good vibes daily, and I checked regularly to see if I could gift her a thing but everything I had she already had so there was nothing I could do. I wonder what happened.

It's no good having a Rainy Day fund if you're not capable of identifying a Rainy Day. This, at least, is something I have that my mother did not. Mind you, with her mindset there was no way of distinguishing a really rainy day from every other day.

Thought oh shit I've got a horizontal scratch the full length of one of my quite expensive varifocal lenses. Reader, it was a dog hair.

Took a bit of a tumble out walking the dog. He did a significant pull. There was ice. Currently sitting still at home and assessing where the pain is. I walked at least a mile after the event so I'm clearly not that damaged. Think I may have wrenched a shoulder, twisted a knee and a new arse bruise.

Today's exciting Resilience Agenda thing that I'm doing for me is spending time (unspecified but maybe an hour) in the kitchen, batch cooking so my lunches are no longer lacklustre and not even that nutritious. Time for me.

My work on becoming a more chilled person continues. Excited today about my first entry in my Resilience Agenda diary. One top priority for today, which wasn't a "task" but making a space for me was 30 mins yoga, and I made it happen.

Deeply distressing.

Not gonna lie, 2025 was a challenging year. New puppy, brought challenge and joy. Human medical issues made caring for the dog harder than it should have been. Work pushed me hard. Friendships have been squeezed by all the above. Volunteer work has suffered. I think 2026 will be hard.

Twenty minutes of being unable to persuade our dog to get into the van so we could take him to the dog field so he could run, run, run. His life just gets smaller if we can't take him to secure places to run. It is a dilemma.

This kind of belief is interfering with my bin admin

One of my work colleagues is speculating about whether god sent me his way, and I'm having a lot of thoughts.

Someone's dog is outside and has been barking for 50 mins. Fireworks are starting. What is wrong with people?

Gonna start my annual search for a bra that fits. Last time I managed this, Elle Macpherson still had outlets in the UK.

The strategic road network is managed by a charity and relies on the goodwill of land owners for access. Some motorways will be muddy and flooded each winter. Also The strategic road network stops randomly at council boundaries and investment is where councils are willing. (UK edition).