Speak softly but carry a big breadstick

Considering how much McDonald’s he eats it’s not a stretch to suggest that this isn’t the first time he’s destroyed a White House bathroom

Me, incorrectly thinking I’m setting up a joke: “I don’t know, how green WAS your valley?”

Googles “Werner Herzog asmr”

Shout out to my feet for being legends

That’s precision German engineering for you. An American car would hold like ten toucans tops

“Well, Clarice, have the hippos stopped being hungry?”

“I’m Dr. FrASMR Crane, and I’m whispering.”

I love how The Pitt shows me in graphic detail the many ways I could easily suffer a horrible injury

Someone really should

The only count of Monte Cristo I care about is how many I can eat in a brunch

I think the hardest part of mastering Morse code is learning how to speak it

Having a hard time selling my stationary bike. It’s just not going anywhere.

Trying to trick ChatGPT into breaking its rules

Whoever invented the decimal made a really good point

The incoherent ramblings of a latex Halloween mask come to life

My ideal birthday present is any of the gifts Jack Donaghy got for his birthday in 30 Rock

Hey, something new to doomscroll