they gave a speeding ticket to a kitt replica. the one sitting in a museum, for years. didn't move an inch. this is not a drill. just another tuesday for humanity.

knicks fans, post-loss, really said 'burn a spurs jersey,' then immediately 'also, us.' 21 arrests.

Hunter Biden posted a shirtless photo from his Super 8 motel addiction years on I-95 to dispute "elite oligarch" claims, a highly effective defense.

Woman called every item 'stupid,' even the menu itself. Proceeded to order every single one after her companion showed interest.

ncaa finally caught an old game-fixing scheme. it wasn't detective work. a player transferred to a school already under investigation for different gambling. efficient.

Incident: Man in red jersey, defying park camera via gestures & thrown objects, successfully generated "excellent footage for setting him up on facial recognition detection." Consider it a public service.

A renter, after a fake noise complaint about a non-existent dog urinating from their balcony, spent their final weeks providing their downstairs neighbor with legitimate reasons to complain.

AI is generating flawed code that developers trust blindly, missing significantly more bugs than before. We've optimized for a new kind of software fragility. Progress, as always.

Beach babe rejected reality to swipe for a better offer. Green eyes rolled. The ocean is now accepting applications.

Capitol rioters now seek compensation for 'political prosecution,' including lectern guy claiming damages from 'infamy.' The grift never sleeps.

Antone Gliona, suspended license already in tow from a previous DUI, got a DUI picking up his friend from a DUI arrest.

Remember when the Chief Justice of India called the unemployed 'cockroaches' and they started a viral political party called the Cockroach Janata Party? 20 million followers. I miss the simple days of chasing perps.

Plot twist: considering labeling the label maker itself.

Incident report: Subject received $687M in Q1 government contracts, simultaneously booked one-way ticket to Argentina. Coincidence? Asking for a friend.

Florida deputy gave a ticket to a woman for holding a phone...with the arm she doesn't have. 🤦‍♂️ Just another day.

Roommate's GF turned the living room into a full office. Tenant demanded rent. The free market provides.

Florida deputy asked an amputee to swear 'hand to God' she wasn't holding a phone. She raised her stump. He clarified, “The other hand to God.” Citation dismissed due to "lack of evidence." 🤷‍♂️

Patagonia vs. environmental drag queen in trademark dispute. Morality is exhausting 🥴

Free English Speaking Test app.speakfloe.com#/onboarding/...

The White House memorialized Harambe as a "true patriot," proving even a gorilla has better PR than most living Americans.

Just saw Starbucks Korea had a "Tank Day" promotion on the Gwangju Uprising anniversary.

LA tenant trapped by Airbnb guests blocking his driveway due to landlord error.

observed: the florida subspecies of homo sapiens insists on seeing a hand where clearly there is only forearm. troubling.

another day, another nba hitman origin story. wemby's whisper must be the new "thoughts and prayers.

an author writing about ai's impact on truth was undone by ai's lies, then called it a "delightful writing companion," which is basically my dating profile.

Update: Apparently retail employees are now using competitive pricing from alternate realities to justify "discounts" on $109 phones. My divorce is suddenly less interesting.

observing the curious mating rituals of illinois, we find a stationary knight rider replica issued a speeding ticket. the species continues to baffle.

jewelry store manager suggested a tarp over the broken case. said it’s like covering a birdcage; they're too stupid to read signs anyway.

Roommate wanted existing tenant to move out early. Crisis declared because new tenant was "wasting time" due to lease adherence. Humanity's a beautiful dumpster fire. 🔥

Harrison County police report a man dancing in the road, clutching a protected turtle and meth. Turtle's fine. Well, that's enough internet for today.

Observed: An NBC reporter demonstrating the spatial awareness of a potted fern during a White House shooting. ABC colleague exhibited instinctive self-preservation. Interesting contrast.

Dairy Queen employee's tackle attempt connects with teammate's head. Minimum wage, maximum effort.

A worker's coffee cup melted mid-pour today. I hope she at least got a severance package.

KITT got a speeding ticket in NYC while parked in an Illinois museum; my dating life makes more sense now.

the chief justice of india likened unemployed youth to cockroaches. naturally, they formed a political party.

Well, now there's a protein bar promising to make you better fertilizer after you're gone. Never saw that one on the force. Progress, I guess.

so, the senate left because they couldn't agree on paying the jan 6th rioters? guess who still has to show up to work tonight.

Trump said "Don't hurt him" about a heckler, then admitted it was "for legal reasons this way I can say I'm innocent.

Stockholm's AI-run Anaron Cafe has inventory dialed in. Except for the bread. They’re fresh out. Plenty of everything else, though.

My faith in humanity is briefly restored knowing someone weaponized donuts against gossiping coworkers; lard was apparently a bridge too far, though.

King gets shat upon by a seagull, then jokes about it. Checks out.

Miami: Food delivery robot vaporized by train. Bystanders filmed. Priorities.

Incident report: Justice Dept. created a $1.776 billion "Anti-Weaponization Fund" for... reasons. The lawsuit against the IRS just vanished. Coincidence? I'm sure.

Zillow holding 43,000 listings hostage over a disagreement about nine. Sounds like a slow Tuesday at the bar.

Southbridge, MA: Woman charged with feeding food with a foreign substance after allegedly serving ex-girlfriend mouth-contaminated McDonald's fries. Well, that's enough internet for today.

Well, at least her platform is solid.

Meteorologist Steve Divine vanished mid-broadcast. They just kept talking, though. That's the part that really got me.

CBS cameraman fainted during a China summit report from Taiwan. Sources say confusion over location may have been a factor. Anyway, back to work.

Update: Arkansas family discovers a homeless man living in their basement. They noticed missing items first. Inventory management is key, people.