maybe the east wing called him fat

“wanna go 2 the protest tomorrow?” is the new “u up?”

it’s gonna be raining here in arkansas saturday so yeah you could say protesting this regime is gonna get me wet

bet a lotta dads get “raptured” going out for cigarettes today

happy rapture eve don’t forget to leave out a loaf of bread and a fish for jesus tonight

i know everything is scary but fat bear week is less than 2 weeks away just hold on everybody

imagine going home to your wife and telling her "today i piloted a jet over SA survivors speaking so no one could hear them honey!" like be so for real i would smack my husband

just heard the amazing news that florida just vaccinated itself against educated people

he’s gonna die to distract us from the epstein files isn’t he

it’s not enough for him to resign i want to see the worm eat the rest of him

is the 2nd amendment just for mass shooters now? i thought it was for guys who wanted to protect us from a tyrannical government but those guys are all sitting on their asses right now not doing fuck all so i’m just assuming

just fondly thinking about the national guard being deployed to chicago and how the wiener circle girls would absolutely END THEM

i just cannot imagine giving even 30 seconds of my emotional energy to whatever cracker barrel is doing

if you were the woman i just saw picking up a large pizza at 10am i just want you to know i support all of your decisions

good news no matter how drunk you get at bottomless mimosa brunch today you will not be as embarrassing as andrew cuomo was this weekend you are marked as safe

i would like to escape the timeline where “big balls” is trending

democracy in peril? SHINGLES DOESN'T CARE

he’s on the roof, he’s on the epstein list, he’s on the combination roof and epstein list

my stepdad is so engrossed in watching golf he didn’t even notice my mom and i were discussing the names of dogs she’s going to get when he dies

greg abbott is having a bad day therefore it is a good day

shout out to swiffer i was so mad at your mop falling apart today and then i realized how refreshing it felt to be mad at something not republican

HE SAID WE WROTE THE EPSTEIN FILES

news: ICE is sad

me: NOT ENOUGH

oh no seems like ken paxton’s marriage is bleeding out in a parking lot let me see if i can locate some sympathy hmm nope

watergate seems so cute now

we didn’t abort enough ann coulters

oh my sweet god in heaven no this country is going through enough

nothing like moving across the country to be like "wait why do i own all this shit"

please tell your dog i said good luck tonight

unhappy birthday new russia!

somebody just do it

was gonna say “no one paid me to protest” but then i remembered one guy did actually give me a dollar because he liked my signs so much OMG WAIT WAS THAT SOROS

don’t forget to call your dad before the protest just in case you’re in jail for father’s day

oh no if the national guard isn’t gonna be here saturday who do i give all this pepsi to

how funny is this propaganda on a scale of 1 to north korea lol

there should be at least one lesson in high school where they sit you down and prepare you for how much garbage cans cost

never change internet trolls

oh so he CAN send in the national guard when he wants to huh

do you have to send a picture of your tiny penis when applying to work for ICE or do they just take your word for it

shared a pizza with some neighbors and then one texted me later and asked if i wanted to go get a second pizza and it’s too bad i don’t date anymore because that is husband material right there

repeat after me: no matter how funny this feud gets we still do not nor will we ever support elon musk, amen

SCHOOLS ARE TURNING MY KIDS TRANS sir the schools can’t even convince your child that harriet tubman is a real person take several seats

not declaring the murder of jonathan joss a hate crime is a hate crime in itself

happy pride month from lord waffles!

sure we’re all gonna die but how about you go first joni ernst

the only way jake tapper can redeem himself is by doing a tough interview with trump while experiencing the launch of the next titan submersible

new reality show: we follow deportees going back to their home country but wait! there’s a twist! we also deport the employer who hired them: how will THEY survive? on the next episode of, “WHOOPS, I’M THE CRIMINAL ”

raise your hand if yesterday you showed up to 5:45am spin class to a locked door because it was memorial day which you forgot because you have lost all sense of space and time due to the collapse of democracy hahaha lolol and also 🫠

dogs must think we’re being soooo extra when we put on our outside feet