I’m not asking for anything Just documentation - this is what it looks like This is what it feels like I’m not talking to anyone anyway.

It’s not frightening It looks like relief, like mercy Like at least it won’t hurt anymore

Tired of this being constant reality Nothing good, no prospect of there being anything good any time soon or later Of course I want to “give up”

Got enough left over meal plan items from skipping meals through poor health to muddle through one more day. Just not prepared to function without the plan and stressed.

Step 1 in making ready, take some Tylenol because stuff already hurts

Should get up and gear up and pedal Current book has been rather lovely so far, DPA blowing the roof off have been good company. Am tired though, starting to feel the strain.

Struggling hard to not just “give up”.

Psych coming to visit in a months time Dunno if that is by the books annual check or to discuss something Isn’t an offer of care so dunno if on to “step 4” patient list More hurry up and wait.

3am Violent attack of illness, visualisation of harm is potent and intense

inadequate response from plan vendor hundreds of pounds worth of food my entire remaining december is presently missing and oh well sorry

2 and a half hours, nothing fucking amazing

fired up process and finding out what the fuck is going on. waiting to see how prompt the company i hve spent literal thousands with will be in responding

of course geeks would not allow harm but consider someone with a fucked up condition might not want to keep asking for help to manage their own fucking life

Meal plan box was supposed to show up yesterday It didnt Going to run out of food fun.

Onward aiming for mid table - to be average more or less (I like splits of 5's) so no bloody doctor can listen to anything i report and answer - "you need to lose weight" (They'll just blame period or menopause as applicable instead...)

There is also no modification for broad categories of activity which might at least try to define muscle percentage It's completely incorrect to apply it to individuals and the fact that doctors embrace it as doing so makes me trust them a lot less But I live in our current reality, so.

As for why it is bullshit? It was developed mid 1800s to describe cohorts by a non medical (much as he could have been then) statistician. You'll see if you plug stats into a generator, it wont even ask your sex. Why? To conceal the fact it was written to describe European MEN perhaps?

Hit another milestone BMI is now back in green "healthy" range BMI is, of course, a bullshit number when applied to the individual and is medically suspect when used that way But also naive to pretend it isnt - BMI is a cudgel that doctors will beat you with, especially if you are a woman

60 treadmill 114av, 125 max Watch app in watch mode 547kcal 8.65km will include rolling restart. Bpm matched stop/start at minute 39, safety. Although bpm was matched couldn’t sustain and did slow down.

The masked burglar broke into the closed Virginia liquor store early on Saturday and hit the bottom shelf. The bandit was something of a nocturnal menace: bottles were smashed and alcohol pooled on the floor. The suspect acted like an animal because, in fact, he's a raccoon.

Very similar to yesterday without any restart. K. Consistent and probably at current limit Data might well be nonsense. Key is consistency

90 recumbent bike 129av, 140 max Watch app in watch mode 530 kcal 36.62km Non-stop. 4 minute rolling start included in distance and watch daily total but not 90 minute session (I’ve always done it this way, global daily count can’t be altered)

Really afraid of falling. Potential solution is absurdly expensive and therefore no Still, when the time comes to stop doing these long sessions, will feel good Something to look forward to them? Stop hurting myself ✨🎉✨. Yay. 😒

Another struggle session with a lot of drag and fatigue and nausea. Whatever virus got in the house and got everyone is lingering.

60 treadmill 107av, 131 max Watch app in watch mode 502 kcal 8.15km (including rolling restart distance) Streaming app crashed, waited until nearest complete split - minute 35 - to stop, correct and match bpm on restart, though was not able to sustain

Savage enough?

But then starting to think psychotherapy et al are perhaps a teeny tiny bit on the fraudulent side (And those who practice successfully are just gifted emotionally intelligent empaths and the papers they hold are as valid as the top of a cornflakes box)

Keeping in the back of my mind I beat alcohol problem and maintained sobriety so many years - not a moment of “help”

But at the end, will calibrate down to a workable minimum. Body can’t take much more. Hour or more exercise 336 days in a row (including today) has taken a bit And to think those useless NHS MH cunts liked to think I didn’t just try hard enough.

I don’t *have* to do this, just feel a bit better if I do. What a mind fuck 😔

90 recumbent bike 128av, 139max Watch app in watch mode 530 kcal 36.48km Brick wall at minute 62, able to bpm match on restart but couldn’t sustain it Whatever, it’s fine, just show up. It’s the only thing that matters.

been a month since any contact with psych unit guess i fell thru the cracks again psych nurse promised this would never happen again that was bollocks then =( end of the line. i guess this is where i just give up - no more, if just when. dunno i even care

….solution right now probably isn’t sitting around in your boxers with your head in your hands. Get up, twat.

I don’t have a solution 😞

But I’m worried I can’t get out of my own way again I don’t know the answer. I don’t have that motivational impetus.

What I want more than anything is a motivational nudge to cross the finish line. Get there and then figure it out. I have some ideas to try and repair some of the mental injury I sustained especially younger I have to fix me, god knows there’s nothing else

I won’t go through this again. I’m not sure what the answer is. I don’t know how to fix it.

Am concerned that the proximity to endgame - end of January should do - triggered a crisis I don’t know how to be that person I’m worried I’m capable of self-sabotaging in order to NOT reach a finish line I really want to reach.

So close to ultimate target which is about midpoint in BMI range (I know that’s a spurious scale for various reasons but be naive to think medical establishments don’t use it)

On 1 Jan 2025 I clocked in at 131.2kg (288.64lb) On 1 Dec 2025 - 64.2kg (141.24lb) Loss of 67kg or 147.4lb Under no circumstances would I recommend this, it is a radical and sustained crash. Again My head has not been in a safe place, restriction needed to be over. I couldn’t take 20-24 months

I was also pretty sure - couldn’t cope with restriction AND taking eating disorder. That wouldn’t work. I knew it. So restriction and loss first - and it needed to be a go hard situation because I DONT feel safe most of the time No I didn’t see a doctor, don’t like them.

In the 4 and a half years or so since target and the early decision making and setting up for a jan 1 2025 start I had put in every bloody pound I had lost 😞 It was devastating

This time, with my mental health the worst it has ever been, a protracted attack of binge eating disorder pushing me into the realm of this 2 diabetes and a concern over future health consequences and logistics of tgat existence that I don’t want I knew I had to try again.

So hitting endgame should have felt great And it did. I remember that. And then my mind shattered. I couldn’t sustain it, I had always been a person who was morbidly obese and needed to lose weight and couldn’t understand myself as different (so dysmorphic I couldn’t even see it)

Throughout my life I lost and re-gained varying amounts of weight and never didn’t struggle. I hated it and it harmed me. I was bulimic (the bad kind) in my 20s and got so unwell i collapsed

So. In the spring of 2020 I think, I hit my target weight for the first time in my life. Having been morbidly obese since age 6 and subject to the use of food as a violence, neglectful, emotional abuse tool (there’s a reason I don’t detect hunger or full, this is why)

I think I know what happened And I don’t know what to do.

In fact I know that the distance and kcal in final tally don’t match what the watch recorded - excess of about 30kcal and 600 metres I cn say I did that, because I did. It’s real information. Just noting differences between total as seen by the watch and that which is within a clocked 60.

60 treadmill 105av, 130 max Watch app in watch mode 505 kcal (suspect) 8.3km Long walk off pauses minute 27 and 33, uncertain bpm match restart. Onset potential panic attack(resisted). Finished walking briskly, not slow jog (no total belt clearance) Horrible horrible effort. Unknown cause.

Come on Way too cold to hang about in an unheated space in a wet shirt Please just try. Don’t give up. Just 11 kcal and 27 and a half minutes off 300/60 It’s done. You just have to do it.