Proud to announce I have been awarded the first Interdimensional transgalactic overlord of eternal cosmic harmony peace prize by the International Lawn Darts Federation 🏆

In others words: Trump

BREAKING BROKE GNUS 🐃 {parody} Unable to win indictment of a ham sandwich, Trump DOJ indicts a baloney sandwich; “it’s Pam’s specialty,” boasts Trump, “nobody serves baloney like Slam Blondie”

On the plus side, know-it-all financial analysts on CNBC continue to enjoy solid job security, abundant airtime & generous benefits—even while being consistently wrong in their often laughable “analysis”

Seems like a good time to remind folks that the “War on Drugs” is a complete fiasco; the only casualties are the suffering addicts who need medical help to recover from addiction. Bombing defenseless boats in the Caribbean does nothing to solve our “drug problem”—it’s just another shabby distraction

Whiskey Pete Hegseth is no longer on thin ice—he’s broken through the ice & is sinking rapidly toward the murky bottom, mammalian diving reflex engaged. What happens when you put an abusive, unqualified junior officer with a drinking problem in charge of the most powerful military force on 🌎 ? THIS

Maybe she & Blowdry Barbie can form their own personal mockery of a law {in}firm

There’s always a thin line between war & murder, and under our current unstable, unqualified “Secretary of War,“ we’ve clearly crossed that line. While Hegseth may not realize it (or care), state sponsored lethal force is allowed only under legally binding rules—not on the whims of a few angry men

Soldiers in a democracy swear to refuse unlawful orders. Soldiers in a dictatorship swear to follow unlawful orders. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

Not backing down from a long series of humiliating legal fiascos, Pam Blondi vows to charge Comey with “egregious waffle fry consumption“ at Airport Food Court

Day #301 Yes Secretary Besset. The immigrants are bringing their cows into the US. They bring all the hay needed. They've trained them not to poop on the way. No one notices the cow that he carries as he travels. Absurdity. This is conspiracy gone too far. The earth is flat! Right?

BREAKING BROKE GNUS 🐃 Right side of Trump’s brain bitterly attacks left side; calls it a ”RINO cerebral cortex.” Also suggests that his amygdala is “tremendously soft & woke” 🧠

I’m not saying MAGA apologists are getting more & more unhinged trying to justify Trump’s despicable criminality, but I’m hearing rumors that the DOJ is planning to reclassify his future bank robberies as “expedited withdrawals“

Trump is clearly implicated in the Epstein child trafficking ring; why else would a notoriously selfish man direct every resource at his command to suppress those files? Ask yourself: why would an innocent man devote virtually every waking minute to hiding evidence that would prove his innocence?

While I’m as furious as the next progressive about the Senate Dems cave, it does have one silver lining; once the government opens up, Mike Johnson’s flimsy pretext for not swearing in AZ Representative Grijalva becomes even flimsier, & likely unsustainable under relentless political pressure

Keep the blue tsunami going by supporting this dynamic democratic populist in TN

Am I the only one who noticed Trump’s goofy new hairstyle? He seems to have gone from hideous comb-over that looks like a dead possum to some sort of fluffed up cotton candy flattop that —miraculously—looks even worse

After Mamdami wins New York tomorrow, can my Marxist Socialist Communist Antifa Anarchist Maoist buddies & I drive up and loot all those high-end Jewelry Stores? I need a new diamond nose ring😜

Ok, Mike Johnson, here’s the deal: swear in Representative Grijalda, then jump on that plane to Argentina warming up on the tarmac. Final offer; nonnegotiable

Please, Speaker Johnson, remind me again why the people of Arizona are not entitled to full representation in Congress. Have you revoked their admission to the union? If not, please immediately swear in ALL their duly elected representatives—especially the one elected in a landslide last month

Trump’s entire “Administration“ is just a scripted WWE “kofeve”;once we realize this, the script for taking him down is clear: find a more fearsome liberal “villain” to take him out of the limelight & steal his thunder. Phase 1 is already underway: ridicule Tiny Hands into pathetic impotence

Whiskey Pete’s reckless deployment of our military as a chaotic extralegal pirate force is already backfiring—turns out recklessly sinking unidentified boats in international waters is not the fun holiday lark this “warfighter” imagined, and is guaranteed to blow up in his face

I attended 2 No Kings protests in East Tennessee today & was godsmacked by the orderly enthusiasm & the spontaneous joy at both rallies.Even people in “deep red” Tennessee are getting energized, building an irresistible tsunami poised to sweep the corrupt Trump cabal into the ash heap of history

If Mike Johnson has decided to dissolve Congress, he should at least have the common courtesy to tell us that he’s thrown the Constitution out the window & willfully betrayed his oath. Otherwise, do your f*cking job as Speaker & swear in the duly elected Representative from Arizona, little Mikey

Hey gang, I know it might seem premature, but I’m starting to think that handing Supreme Power to a vicious, amoral, dishonest, ignorant, incompetent conman with major health issues might not have been a good idea 🤔

I feel like we’re not making a big enough fuss yet over the fact that Mike Johnson has effectively dissolved Congress until Trump can figure out how to permanently stop them from voting to release the Epstein files. Do we have any guarantee at all that he’ll EVER call them back into session?

Fascist regimes like the Trump cabal often fall after peaceful mass demonstrations get out of hand, beyond the control of the fascists. In an unrelated story, next Saturday is “No Kings Day,” when millions of Americans gather at multiple venues to peacefully demonstrate against fascist oppressors

After abandoning democracy, then blowing through oligarchy into kachiocracy toward a nightmarish perversion of deranged fascism, the demonic clown car that is the Trump administration has now morphed into an entirely new form of ”government“—loonochracy, or rule by the batshit crazy

Ok, America, here’s the plan: all 350 million of us dress up like 🐸 & PEACEFULLY march on Washington. When Trump’s fascist clowns see us coming, they’ll simply pass out from confusion & then we‘ll drag them down to the Potomac & throw them in the tidal basin

KETCHUP INCOMING!

Quick question for the Federal Government: if I become a gaucho & move to the pampas, can I get a $20 billion dollar loan? I already hablas un poco Español

Legally, our country’s military can’t be deployed to American cities except in a legitimate emergency. The Generals, unlike Trump, know this. The silent treatment at yesterday’s big Kegsbreath Flex was no accident—generals made a statement that they‘re NOT on board with Trump’s bogus war on America

One major significant, highly revealing difference between the right wing & the left is that the left habitually condemns violence, while the right wing routinely exploits it. This is no accident: rightwing ideology is often so fanatical that ”ends justify the means” kicks in—damn the consequences

Don’t believe anything coming out of the White House over the next few days—Trump & his stooges are in full panic mode after the recent special election in Arizona moving us one step closer to release of the Epstein files—especially crap from Trump’s favorite attack 🐕, lying couchhumper JD Vance

BREAKING BROKE GNUS 🐃 White House taking extraordinary STEPS amidst ESCALATING tensions; are we CLIMBING the STAIRWAY to war with the UN? Film at 11:00 (except on Sinclair)

BREAKING BROKE GNUS 🐃 After Trump’s deranged morning harangue,the UN has become the first organization devoted to world peace to declare war on a member nation. “Although we yearn for peace,”explained a spokesperson, “this rant from a reanimated corpse claiming to be your President is just batshit”

And those are its good points

TOMORROW IN FUTURE HISTORY “Why Wait for Reality?” (tm) America was shocked tomorrow when a hastily mobilized brigade of comedians stormed the White House, deposing Acting President Stephen Miller and his subservient puppy JD ”Naugahyde“ Vance; Andy Richter to be sworn in as 48th President

Let me get this straight: an obscure right winger kills a famous right winger, and the Government vows to crack down on left wing “terrorists.” Stupidest pretext for a fascist takeover ever

One last time before I get cancelled, lose my passport & have my Blockbuster card revoked: Charlie Kirk was a college dropout with a bad haircut who ate boogers. Do your worst, First Amendment police

Please explain to me again, like I’m a child, why it’s OK for Brian Kilmeade to call for the murder of homeless people on national TV, but not OK for College Professors to be disrespectful of Charlie Kirk in their classes

Plaudits are pouring in from around the globe—nay the entire observable universe—for Kash Patel’s innovative new crime busting technique of sitting by the phone stressing out over Trump maybe firing him until the perp’s parents turn him in

Brilliant crimebusting tactics by Krazy Kash Patel, pretending to be utterly clueless & totally incompetent while the shooter’s parents casually picked up the phone & turned him in. J. Edgar Hoover would be proud 😉

Fox Noise correction: “Although we reported earlier that the shooter was a vicious, radicalized transgender liberal financed by George Soros, we meant to say that he was a misguided straight white guy brainwashed by radicalized transgender liberals financed by George Soros. We regret the error

We need to move on from saying “According to Trump,” and “Trump posted”—he’s clearly incapable of saying anything remotely coherent on his own. Reminds me of that classic *Star Trek* episode where they prop up a demented old dictator behind an outsize prop 🎤 while reading nonsensical “proclamations”

We can only hope these two super sleuths consult with the professor & Mary Anne

Take it easy on Krazy Kash—he’s just exercising due diligence by consulting with Inspector Clouseau and Frank Drebbin to crack the Kirk Kase

BREAKING BROKE GNUS 🐃 {parody} Department of War to be renamed “Department of Blowing up Small Unarmed Boats & Killing Everybody Onboard to Detract from Epstein Files.” Duane “The Rock” Johnson named acting Secretary

if you’re surprised by the increasingly desperate measures Trump is taking to block release of the Epstein files, keep in mind that if these files ever see the light of day,Trump will be revealed as not just a rapist,but a child molester—thus he must suppress them at all costs & will stop at nothing

Here we see the Vice President nodding his head, confirming Dear Leader’s proclamation that Baltimore has moved to Illinois