Made a banoffee pie for dessert last night? Was left out overnight…. Ate some for breakfast this morning. Regrets? Zero.

I hate it here.

Richard’s dog walker was getting the good boy poses today.

I watched Educating Yorkshire and I have no idea how teachers do it. I’d be in jail for punching one of the wee fucks. I don’t know how anyone has the patience for it.

Did you know you’re awake for a hair transplant and it looks like tuna tartare? Cos I’m not ok with this.

Coming to that time on a Sunday when I’ve looked at my diary for the week and start counting up my bank accounts to see how long I could live for if I just quit my job instead?

Upset the racists again on Twitter. It’s a never ending fun carousel.

Shout out to my photography skills. And @andydunn295.bsky.social @acidgrandads.bsky.social @jarmain-etc.bsky.social for putting on a fucking CLASS night. Unreal. @dannykelly.bsky.social well done for being a hanger on in the best way.

Packing Richard his bag for a wee jaunt to Chester for the night. Might take him on a roman tour, get him a wee outfit.

Behold; my £25 trainers that were so cheap in the sale because apparently nobody else wanted to have Marge Simpson theme feet.

September = first Big Pot pursing of the season.

Mimed the whole of Taylor Swift Love Story and not one person congratulated me. Guys, I think I am single again. How can you disrespect Tay? Talent knows talent.

Lost a few followers in Instagram for this. Worth it.

Are we yay or nay on the octopus cardigan,

Don’t recommend buying this unless you want to consume it all in one sitting. More addictive than class A’s.

"I even gave my life to Christ in a Cracker Barrel parking lot" is an Action Bronson line

Bit of Texas, is it? H and his band mates!

V excited, my Glasgow friends have landed in the south and we’re all taking Neil’s little boy to his first ever gig. It’s at Colchester castle and he thinks it’s gonnae be a wee small thing. It’s our mate that’s playing so it’s gonnae blow his wee mind when he gets back stage and sees it all!

The local trains are all being cancelled so the cross country and Avanti west coast ones can be routed through local stations. And I once again ask, what the actual fuck is wrong with our rail system and why is it so hard to get anywhere? All for an obscene price.

My most controversial take is that drugs are getting more and more prolific and normalised and you’ll never be able to stop it, so it may as well be legalised and licensed and the country can collect tax on it, control what goes out and cut out the folk making bank from shit.

If you’re into easy watching crime; can’t recommend In Flight enough. It’s way past my sleep time and I can’t stop watching.

I’m *obsessed* with the Lego Italian riviera. The little crabs and fish are giving joy. But are they giving £250 of joy?

The call is coming from inside the house.

The neighbours weans appear to be kicking a ball off of the adjoining wall? Is that just a thing now? Why would you even allow a ball inside the house? How bizarre.

A girl in the pub has just told her friends she can’t hug them as ‘I have shingles’ GIRL. GO THE FUCK HOME. NOBODY WANTS YOUR ROTTEN GERMS.

Ran out the house dressed like some knock-off, ancient, frat boy. Kinda enjoying it though.

Fair play to Tanski, she’s obviously decided folk laughing at her is better than no attention at all.

I can only imagine I get the same joy from my car passing its MOT as parents do from kids passing exams. Well done you wee fuck, thanks for not showing me up, for now.

I’ve been advertised a beauty advent calendar this week and now a restaurant festive party menu…. Sir, it’s 30 fucking degrees, shove your turkey up your very warm hoop.

Le Creuset have their pumpkin mugs out again and despite the fact I don’t drink tea and rarely have a coffee I find myself pining….

Hmmmm. A thread 🧵

A shop has just refused to accept my Scottish money and I’m furious. Absolutely furious.

I dunno, but I think binning AI/regulating it would probably help a fuck load more and be far more popular than ‘delete videos of dead relatives and times you had fun, peasants’

The face of a very sleepy boy that is desperately trying to stay awake….

Do you think it’s too late to quit my job and become an air stewardess? Or run off to Spain and work in a bar? Or open a rum shack in a tropical climate?

Remember when dogs just ate pedigree chum meat paste? Now they have tagine?

H has Neil’s phone at dinner ‘dad, what’s tynedr’ us, puzzled… staring… oh. TINDER, IS IT, NEILLY POPS? Both of us staring. (It’s absolutely not in use)

My alarm just went off for work for the first time in 9 days and I immediately did some mental calculations of how long I could survive if I just quit with immediate effect, cos’ I’m absolutely the opposite of enthusiastic about going back.

If Tommy fucking Robinson is being “silenced” as he keeps claiming why am I sick of hearing the wee prick?

I’ve never had to do air travel in school holidays & I’ll never be in a hurry to do it again. It’s reiterated how much I absolutely cannot stand children or noise. Dreadful. Would happily pay to get on child-free flights.

I personally think the most enjoyable things Americans do is block the entire thin Spanish sidewalk while exclaiming how nice it is but not moving out the way for every other person. Cos’ they’re important.

Me, shouting at Neil; ‘I need your card, we’ve been invited to a party in Scotland’ Neil, the nicest human on earth. No questions, launching his bank card at me…. ‘Do you want to stay normal or nice’….. ‘nice’. Into you.

We’ve just went into a restaurant and the man was like ‘I KNOW YOU’ to Neil. Of course it’s the ham restaurant we found last time & Neil was so happy about the ham the man remembered him. 10/10. Would ham again.

Boops

Incredible.

Someone reserved seven (7) loungers earlier, 4.5 hours ago. Haven’t been near them, guess what? Loud Americans have turned up & it’s theirs. COURSE IT IS. There’s a reason everyone dislikes American tourists.

The method, the madness…

A lot of very loud Americans knocking about Palma. Shush. You need indoor voices and to stop having FaceTimes without headphones. Nobody thinks America or you are great.

Jaaaaaaamon muuuuuuuthafuckkkkas.

If anything, not enough people take their loud toddlers on the quiet coach on trains and let them watch videos with the sound on while they take calls on speakerphone. I wish these people the very, very worst.