honestly i love the campy drama of the doomsday clock. wish i came up with it

why is everyone so mad about that new Dark Souls movie

important appointment early tomorrow morning. so, of course, i just ate some food that i definitely know has given me diarrhea previously

you should be allowed to pull a sick day at work if you forgot to take your metamucil the day before

i didn't smoke any cigarettes all day which means now i'm allowed to smoke 200 consecutive cigarettes

environmental storytelling in the office attic

very curious about the person on their phone who ran by my apartment and the only thing i heard them frantically say was "okay well, get out the holy water! i'll be there soon!"

do not order 15 wings followed by a rancid boozy-eggnog even if it's a good bit

my new slot machine, Frog of Fortune, has been banned for "inventing and appropriating chinese culture" and also for being rigged

they will discover that the baby that got left at The Pitt has rapidly-aging disease and by the end of the season he will be an adult and interning at The Pitt

ironing blankets at work with my left hand in my pocket like i'm an olympic marksman

theoretically, if a buzzball, perhaps "cookie nookie" flavored, is almost full and you bump it, it will roll over and spill *everywhere*. this may happen to someone, theoretically

free energy drink delivered to the office by, what i believe is called, "The Bang Bus"

me (after learning that vagueposting is the way to get the algorithm to boost your posts): the

i had to send a video tour of our office and workspaces to the CEO who is working from home and needed it for some reason. she said no commentary needed, but in retrospect i definitely should have been humming/mumbling cool superhero music to myself the whole vid

i brought them back

spending years developing and adopting an outlandish gilbert-gottfried-style character voice. but not to go into showbiz or anything. i'll just keep working a regular job

how i feel as a big-headed mf whenever i put the hoodie up on a standard hoodie

i quickly scrolled past a fast-food chicken tenders ad and scrolled back up to look at them for a second

(giving my cat a treat with 0 nutritional value) lmao she think she ate

me walking down the uncomfortably sloped movie theater aisle after taking my 3rd piss break

i am doing my laundry at my workplace on the weekend in a totally financially stable kind of way actually

adding a basement to my studio apartment. i need as many hands as i can get. digging begins today at 3pm.

30 Rock might be the network sitcom with the most dolly zooms

take a moment every day to appreciate that Jackass happened. how could something so perfect happen?

that's right.

gonna get production started on my 2025 period-piece while the year is still fresh in my mind

i have a perfect song picked for NYE karaoke and if someone else chooses it i will k*ll myself

so when's sesame street gonna drop the Marty Mouser skit?

take me back to simpler times. the years where nothing bad or unexpected would happen 🙏🏻✨✨

whenever a show does the parody where a character yell out the window and says "you there, what day is it" and an extremely cockney kid answers "why it's christmas day, sir!", it pretty much makes me laugh every time

i get 2 paid weeks off of work. it's so over for all you, i'm gonna do so much. i'm gonna... well, i'll finally get to... uhhh.... finally time for... hmmm.... TWO WEEKS OFF BABY

the greatest side character in the world is any of Liz's boyfriends/dates in 30 Rock

currently trying to decide between It's a Wonderful Life (1946) and Bad Santa (2003)

in 2025 you can just straight up buy your Grinch Salts from mcdonald's

high schooler nicknamed Stoned Mason

is there a nursing home for 32 year olds i can go live at?

i am extremely good at figuring out slang from context clues. for instance, it only took me a few seconds to figure out that BBL is shorthand for "bible". people really love christian women these days it seems...

the william banks saga is gonna end with him dying from one punch in the ring. he is gonna give his life for the bit

thriving ratropolis

can anyone send me seven thousand dollars so i can constantly run the dryer at my apartment for the rats that live near the dryer vent? just until the end of winter. thanks

beginning to suspect my coworkers are trying to bale me. "i saw a dollar in the back of the baler", they say. "no not there, way in there at the bottom", they say. "i only have my hand over the button to make sure no one pushes it while you are in there", they say.

movie trivia: rian johnson wrote "benoit blanc saying 'scooby dooby doo'" on a piece of paper, took a 5 month hiatus, then finished writing the rest of the movie

thank you, for comparing me to the dedicated men and women working tirelessly, day and night, rain or shine, at the dick sucking factory

felt no passion emanating from my eye doctor, man. could tell he had no passion for eyes

me refusing to buy anything but vintage rain jackets that have lost all waterproofing

scientists discover internet on mars: "it's slow but it's there"

swallowing my edible like a pill then chugging 2 glasses of water

meal prep: december on lock 💪🏼😤

so is heathcliff not gonna release a comic where he is walking around with a net labeled "ham"?