i will send you the rest of my housesitting instructions later, but firstly: important mail goes on top of my cat's container of 𝑮𝒓𝒆𝒆𝒏𝒊𝒆𝒔. if you need to give my cat some 𝑮𝒓𝒆𝒆𝒏𝒊𝒆𝒔, carefully remove the stack of mail and put it back after

it is customary to give your pharmacist one of your adderalls as a tip

coworkers remain at the forefront of the "putting way to much fucking coffee grounds in the coffee maker" science

my days in a studio apartment are a constant cycle of stacking things up and accidentally knocking them down. in a way, preschool has best prepared me for my life

btw they're faking the moon landing again, this time with director taika waititi

look at that. i am risen again. this shit ain't too hard

there's a skeleton in my studio apartment

i am risen too

tying myself to some train tracks to either die or become a Hero's Wife

running far, far away from the pussy

calling my boss faking sick every day for a week then returning to work with a BBL

i think i can put off getting enough sleep for one more night as long as long as i can get in 400 hours of sleep on saturday

the astronauts told me the wrong launch time. they straight up ditched me. but joke's on them. good luck up there without your Space Toilet Technician, bozos

you joke, but every day is a Fool's Day for some of us

if you leave a bag of some food item on the office kitchen counter, i am eating some of it. i can't be wasting my time asking questions

he's my work husband but it's become a loveless marriage

.@McDonalds i am willing to star in and make a Super Size Me style documentary where the core thesis is that it is good for you. please call

in between patients, the Pitt doctors should also be trying to figure out which one of them is The Thing

Dune is a boring name. they should have named it Planet Wormulon

love the unwarranted optimism of every time i take a punch-card from a business

vets have no respect for doctor-patient confidentiality. they tell me everything about my cat

what did Sora do to get pulled? what implications does this have on the kingdom hearts franchise?

doctors will never tell you this but a cigarette will cure your hiccups

first look at Dwayne Johnson as Boxer Santaros in Southland Tales 2

literally in awe

smoking weed with my friend gandalf, experiencing 0 anxiety about the Evil Ring in my pocket

remembering i swallowed a penny when i was a child. it may be inside me still. it may be the cause off all of my agonies... conversely, it may be absorbing my agonies and i'd be worse off with out it... there is of course the third option: i pooped it out my butt, as was the plan

accidentally wore green on st paddy's day. embarrassing

is everyone excited to watch the oscars?

good sign, i'm sure

company scheduled a surprise all-hands to talk about insurance open enrollment even though we usually do that in november. this can only mean Good and Prosperous news, i assume

any tips for the Spiderland level in kingdom hearts? the rhythm games are really hard. i cannot defeat Nosferatu Man

we need to develop a subtle universal sign for "i am going to the bathroom to shit, do not pull me aside to chat." maybe walking briskly with both hands on your ass. perhaps while screaming

time to become the joker once again

just landed a gig at the sideshow as The Incredible Unbearded Man

annoying that valentine's day only involves activities for couples. may i suggest a revision to valentine's day: couples get to go on cute dates, and single people get to do The Purge

forgot valentines was on a saturday. wasted all my money on cards/candies for the whole class

new idea for lonely people on valentine's day: we go outside and howl

9am therapy then going straight to work

at some point my brain stopped referring to him as dr. robby and is instead calling him Doctor Rhombus

i always take the opportunity to piss in a dream. get the peeing done then so you save time on your morning routine

sure. why not

as long as there is more than one bathroom at the office, you can take a nap in one of them

matt and jay in NTBTS are willing to go to any lengths to play a show at the Rivoli but draw the line at emailing the booker to schedule. this is why i respect them

no more ironic detachment. only ironic attachment from now on

whoever was working at Candy Systems and Research and figured out they could pivot nerds rope into nerds gummy clusters is the only true innovator of this millennium

if only bad bunny started his halftime set with We Are Charlie Kirk, he could have started the discourse that would kill posting once and for all

evil loading screen tip: *pacing around* is an easy alternative to *doing anything else*