Daughter and I are both home sick with the flu, so we tried to draw something called a "Growlith Pokemon" from a how to draw channel on YouTube and mine came out looking like Mickey Mouse going through a phase 😭

Teachers: PLEASE DO NOT fall for the anti-worker propaganda that this is an "extra long break" or that it "ends on the 5th" 😒 Your winter break ended at or around 3:30 PM TODAY local time, at which time it simply became "the weekend". So have a great weekend, see you Monday!

Me 7 years ago and counting:

Recycling Center is HOPPIN' today boy!

Yeah I know he mostly complains about having to play on Christmas his entire career, but this is probably LeBron's last Christmas game, so I think he rightfully makes it about him lol... LeBron goes, goes for over 20 today in his Christmas Finale ✅👑 links.pikkit.com/post/694dabf...

Just saw some asshole delivering newspapers out of a CYBERTRUCK LMFAOOOO 😂😂😂

OMG now they've unredacted some of the pictures 😟

Uncle Phil reaches his final form tonight... We love you Philip! 🫶

Me: *runs upon the scene of a fiery crash* Me: Omg, there's people alive in there! People in the burning car: PLEASE! HELP US! Me: (wraps my shirt around my fist) I'M HERE! Them: OH THANK GOD! Me (punches out window): *coughing* WHO'D YOU... *cough* WHO'D YOU VOTE FOR? *cou

Most satisfying $10 ever!

Me when I immediately forget that I just gave my class 5 minutes of free time for being great today, and reprimand the whole class when they start talking.

LeBron's 10-point steak is STILL NOT OVER, as long as Mike Pence does the right thing! 🙏🤞

Don't let this latest war crime of murdering two shipwrecked survivors clinging to their destroyed boat debris, distract you from the fact that destroying these boats and killing everyone on board was already a war crime

Me armchair-analyzing some sports data in order to justify guessing-for-money tomorrow: "You outlying sack of SHIT..."

How long before I stop thinking about this guy every time I watch the Colts?

80s movies be like "here's a white guy with Johnny Bravo hair, sexually harassing multiple women in the workplace as his first introduction to the audience" and then you're like "aww yeah fuck this dude up" and then they're like "naw he's the hero WTF" and then you gotta just hope he dies

Counting or not counting caveman violence?

Obviously someone finally told her to stfu and pretend to be fucking sad for a while, but we're all still thinking it, right?

Hey guys, the Saudi Regime has invited me to teach 9th grade ELA to inner-city Riyadhi kids beginning immediately. There are definitely moral concerns obviously but at what they've offered to pay me ($63k+bennies) I'd be crazy to turn it down. I have to think of my family🙏 🫶 ✌️

Erika Kirk 20 days ago:

Pick *N* Roll? In THIS economy??

Super Bowl PSA: please remember to make sure your subtitles are ON, because some MAGA are deaf and they can of course eat shit too

How do I dress for this?

Looking good sir, not like you rubbed dogshit all over your face at all!

I think Tylenol is about to cash in 💲💲💲

Blasting this in white spaces today ✊🏽 🖕🏽 youtu.be/GsHZBisKwxg?...

This is NOT incompetence. NO WAY this was the best they could do. They purposely made it this unbelievable as a means of testing how egregious they can be with their gaslighting, and still have MAGA froth in their defense. Fascism has taken hold, and they are now simply stress testing their limits

So they tried to contact my job for making fun of the Throat Goat Charlie Kirk ™️, but they didn't realize I'm my own boss LMAO But apparently "some of it was admittedly pretty harsh" so I still got fired this is some bullshit 😔

I think I've come up with a compromise we can all agree on

Talk about your debates, talk about your Leviticus 20:13... JONES 20:13 SAYS I JUST MOURNED YOUR ASS! *glass shatters*

Why am I such a tab SLUT?? I'm closing everything on my work comp so I can just start fresh and it's like... Clearly I'll just open any ol' tab at any time, open every doc in a folder who gives a fuck, windows and windows, each with a particular set of tabs, windows with one tab, it's fuckin gross

We actually are day-to-day for real at this point, so you guys wanna just do it again tonight??

This the signal I'm waiting for...

Homer Simpson when he gets to McDonald's at 10:31 AM

Texas teachers- they didn't say WHICH commandments!

You DON'T season, you ALL crackers, you ain't BARREL

*beat drops out* 🎶I once got baptized in a Cracker Barrel parking lot🎶 *Crowd screams* 🎶 I'm saved, see... 🎶

Ballerinas... Doing pirouettes inside of my snow globe

The fish was procured from an orca, no doubt... It's happening!

As part of the deal to be on the presidential fitness squad, HHH was required to increase the ratio of sex pests on the roster

Not now, Russian volcano!

Believe it or not, one of these dragons is actually my dog

Reed shoulda just been like "really Galactus, you're gonna ✌🏽eat the planet✌🏽, are ya? You're roughly twice the size of the SoL, so about ~600 ft tall, ~1500 tons. Earth’s mass is ~6 × 10²⁴ kg, which means that would be like an ant eating the entire continent of Asia LOL you IDIOT 😂

RIP Malcolm-Jamal Warner

Alright now enough is enough

Just found out my personal barber was giving out high top fades at the Kid n Play concert :/

What did chronic veinous insufficiency ever do to deserve this? 😭

If you think about it, it should really be Peppa Paws and Pig Patrol

New dream job just dropped!

Subway taking a real risk again, hitching their wagon to someone we haven't heard from in 30 years... Let's just hope he doesn't turn out like Ared-Jay Ogle-Fay 😬😒