You may have a pocket full of sunshine but my pocket's full of loose salt and sugar, so who really wins?

Wish I was shiny, happy, and people

Gooning so much they call me the jorkler

Just had a sleeper agent moment in Morrisons

ς

Artemis 2 is launching soon! I'm so excited for people to get back on the moon!

Why does time still shift unnaturally twice a year? Like surely theres a better way?

I got bullied by KFC buying the pickle meal :(

I think the world needs more whimsy. And I'm here to supply it by force.

Me when I lie: *transforms into Phil Lester*

Thinking about the carrot alien guy from the milky way machine

Man that Awsten guy from Waterparks sure is cool

Let's blow this popsicle man

Me when rockbud 'ooh la la!'

God is testing me

Roman kids be like 'VI VII'

Oh god im gonna be 30 how could this happen

Not to be homophobic but I don't think homophones should exist.

"Yeah, you are stupid" - verbatim from my husband

Restrictive and slippery like a chastity belt

My husband is bullying me about how much I breathe, I think that's unfair tbh

Were adverts always this cringe. I haven't watched TV in like 10 years.

He's really gone.

I actually despise having bodily functions. Why do I have to piss every 5 seconds?

Don't mind if i do.

You know what they say about assuming... Killed the cat.

Me and the beans at 2am looking for boys

I have thoroughly convinced myself I may be an idiot

Tofu really is the cheese of the plants

Who has replaced Oli Sykes with someone who looks slightly different and also changed all pictures of him to be of this new person as well?

Catch me googling how to start a union on the work computers

Why do books have to have different characters? Like I just got comfortable with their names and personalities and now I gotta start again?

I feel like a balloon animal

There should be more comfortable benches everywhere

How does one be bad with scissors? Its barely any skill.

Building urge to play Minecraft is happening again

Give me that baby and I'll yeet it off a tower

Was there ever a cheese superior to halloumi?

Life consuming hiperfixation, I have missed you.

Crazy? I was crazy once. I looked like an angel.

I love him so much

Oo wee, shut my mouth, slap your grandma.

Shakespeare really was the Shakespeare of his time

Are these legally distinct enough to call tweets now that former twitter no longer has that branding?