Driving home from a day of work on an early summer's eve, every window in my car rolled down. Doing Daniel Day Lewis voice screaming in rush out traffic. "I've abandoned my Chud!, I've abandoned my Chud!"

I was talking shit about the Mr beast jerky sticks then got a random pain in my temple that motherfucker hit me with his directed energy BeastBeam

Stroke my dick into penis This is my last resort Ejaculation- from penis Marv got zapped and his skeleton screamin'

Doing the Disco Elysium gun in mouth thing when I got to chipotle so they give extra meat for free

Put twenty-one pilots on a Bluetooth speaker and have someone lock you in a sauna. that's microdosing Hell

Early meal; pig squeal. Meal too late; met with a gruesome fate

My boy bought some mushrooms from the plug called "jester's lament" and has been speaking in rhyme for like 4 days now

You might be able to understand something about society if you track velma porn vs daphne porn over time

My time traveling antics have altered history. Black and white photo of soldiers during the battle of the Somme. One's hitting a geek bar and I'm in the corner of a frame wearing a "I paused my game to be here" T-shirt

At a job interview with my phone on the table and it lights up. LIL HOMIE GAYASS has sent a message to the groupchat "BURLINGTON THROAT FACTORY"

Going to a poetry open mic night and just going up and reciting instructions for cooking crystal methamphetamine until they cut me off

"I'm Bam Margera and this is breaking Timothy Leary out of prison"

Tony Hawks' Weather Underground

Ulysses S. Grant is my favorite president because just like him I've spent several years in Oregon drinking heavily and slowly loosing my mind

I see the words "subscribe to my substack," and I can perfectly envision myself forcing them to scavenge a ruined city for useful salvage at gunpoint from my large chariot assembled from the remnants of a ford focus. Possibly with sexual undertones.

I remeber this deaf guy who would make giantess fetish videos on YouTube, but he was deaf so all the videos had no sound so me and my boys would put it on along with like death grips, the matrix soundtrack, and classical music. It would sync up constantly. A lesson to be learned in movie pacing.

Found a deepweb link that plays videos from the wonka factory prototype candy development facilities. They have gumdrop drones

Got the phone numbers for my trip-sitter and parole officer mixed up again :/ #epicfail

Going to a health food co-op directly after working out at a gym is sick because I am dead certain I am not the most insane smelling person that the co-op employees are encountering that day

The water you have on your nightstand that you drink when you wake up is called night-wet

Hiring the Austin powers impersonator for me and my bro to run trios in Fortnite

*phone up to my ear, finger in my other ear, in a noisy bar* yeah, no yeah. They're gonna entomb me on Monday. Yeah, no. They're gonna seal me away.

Since metro 2039 got announced I've been replaying the main three metro series and holy fuck, why do Ukrainians love swamps so much? Did some dude just love working on clear sky so much he just locked it in for his entire career? Much love to the Slavic Cajuns

Everyone I knew who was team instinct during Pokémon go in 2016 has gone on to do cocaine at least once #pokemongo

Deep South sophisticate accent: You ever play Viva Piñata?

Doing roleplay in the bedroom and warming up with some zip-zap-zop

Someone recommends a recipe you can sniff out by step two they got a dishwasher at home #handwashing

The blunt had me folding my dirty clothes to put into the washing machine.

Your Uncle: it's gay for your favorite starburst flavor to be cherry, I'm sorry.

"RUNNAH, WE'RE GONNA BIOPRINT SOME KANGAROOS TO KICK THE UESC ROBOTS, GET ME A CASE OF MONSTER ENERGY FROM NORTH COMPLEX" #Marathon

Off of 25mg of adderall and a half tab of acid, I've just been doing 7th grade algebra worksheets fast as shit for the last 6 hours, no food or water

Thinking about my friend who didn't go to the Taco Bell in my town for like 2 months because of the presence of an employee there he only referred to as "The Smiler"

At the strip club making the most ludicrous DJ requests. I need ass shaking in my face while William Basinski's Disintegration Loops plays

Seeing British people cook Mexican food on social media is always unsettling. I always figured Mexican food was like a dog whistle to the uk they just can't hear the tones

The whole "Himbo" craze in fandoms a few years ago is pretty funny in retrospect. What if a conventionally attractive, muscular but unintelligent man was capable of kindness lmao

Introducing myself to a new group of co-workers and saying "I wasn't grown in a vat, they didn't find me in a vat in a warehouse." Unprompted

My go to poker strategy is to politely ask the other players what cards they have

We poop dick balling!!!

I've been too offline I thought James Talarico was a periphery character from the movie Casino

The blunt has me acting unbecoming of my station.

Not only would Ben Franklin have been a gooner, he would be pulling his shit nonstop to like 2011 newgrounds hentai flash games. That would be his favorite thing.

Leftist who would've been a hero at the battle of Tsaritsyn: Marx is indica, Lenin is Sativa lol