The fact that it’s a Murdoch paper that’s printing all these leaks makes it all especially delicious. Is it all a set-up to get Vance in there? Maybe, but I don’t care. Vance might be as bad as Trump, but I’m a petty bitch and I’ve been waiting TEN YEARS for karma to show up.

My 9yo is in Tier 3 camp, which is a program for advanced students. My 14yo is a counselor. One of her classes is “Broadway” & the 14yo told me the 9yo’s project is a musical about women’s suffrage. I just can’t believe my genetics contributed *anything* to these amazing kids.

My wife made soup today and seasoned it with herbs she grew in her garden. I made the unfortunate mistake of complimenting this as “being WAY more tasty than usual.” I hope you’ll respect my family’s privacy as we take a step back from public life and try to heal from this.

I will be suing my high school yearbook editors for not giving me “class clown” for senior superlatives in 1994. Inspired by Donald Trump’s very sane and not at all crazy lawsuit against The Wall Street Journal, I am seeking eleventy-nine sextillion Spanish gold doubloons.

MAGA, who do you think “made up” the Trump card? Like, if you were making up evidence, wouldn’t it be a photoshopped picture or some doctored emails? Do you think some WSJ editor said “WHAT IF WE MAKE UP A NAKED WOMAN BIRTHDAY CARD WITH WEIRD, OBLIQUE DIALOGUE IN THE CENTER?!”

Can’t believe the Wall Street Journal released video of Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein snuggling with each other at a Coldplay concert.

MAGA, Hi, it’s me, your good pal, internationally-beloved comedian Jay Black. This is, like, your 257,000th offramp. But, it might be your last one. From this point forward, it’s either take down the Trump-as-Rambo poster or defend a pedophile. Up to you, clock is ticking.

The birthday card from hell, that’s what people are calling it, proves two things. One that Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein had exactly the kind of relationship we thought they did. And two, Donald Trump writes the worst dialogue I’ve ever seen. And I write *Lifetime* movies.

Just watched the Twilight series with my 14yo daughter. It’s *shocking* to me that Kristen Stewart, a very fine actress, was lambasted for her choices playing Bella, while the guy playing Jacob got a pass. That dude had abs and only ONE emotion, which was “Huh?” #TeamEdward

If you like multiples of 5, my instagram page is a thing of beauty right now.

“If there was anything incriminating on the Epstein List, the democrats would have released it!” Cool, since there’s nothing incriminating on the list, so you should NO PROBLEM releasing it, right? Right?!?

MAGA accounts all agreeing with each other in unison always feels like Arnold Cunningham from “Book of Mormon” trying hard to sell Elder Price’s sermon. “The Bible is actually a trilogy and the Book of Mormon is Return of the Jedi? I’M interested!” Shocking how many fall for it.

For the last year, I’ve been writing a column for a magazine. It just occurred to me that, aside from a couple of reader I know in real life, I don’t know what anybody thinks about my column. And I LOVE that. Maybe allowing everyone to give immediate feedback was a mistake.

If I had Elon money, I would buy the rights to Rebel Moon from Netflix and hire James Gunn to reboot it just to rub it in to the whiny Snyder fans.

There is a 100% probability that every person posing in front of Florida’s Alligator Alcatraz road signs has at least one riverboat casino that they’re banned from entering.

Pam Bondi is about to be thrown under the Access Hollywood Bus and then backed over a few times. Donald Trump picks cabinet members about as well as red states pick presidents.

A bald, red-pilled narcissist using social media monkey-bots to bully a good-looking liberal man before finally being revealed as a traitorous, overly-emotional, whining loser? Okay, I can see why so many MAGA incels are hating on Superman.

Watching what John Fetterman has become makes me finally understand my father’s look of disappointment when he saw me play baseball.

Day 11 of visiting Aunt B in the hospital, which means I get a little card that entitles me to a discount for parking. Frequent Flyer perks for hospitalization feels uniquely American. That said, I’m grateful for the financial help, even as I’m bummed at the reason why.

Idea: The Purge but just for cocaine.

I used to think we haven’t met aliens yet because it’s inevitable that civilizations will blow themselves up after they discover nuclear energy. Now I’m older & I know better. It’s podcasts. Societies end after they invent podcasts. The solution to the Fermi Paradox is Joe Rogan.

Last November, way more people than I would’ve ever expected looked around at the world and said, “What we need is more measles!” and then followed through on that, hard.

I’m a plane nerd. Y’know how when you’re out and you see a plane flying overhead and you wonder what model of plane it is and you wish you had a big, hairy dude next to you to quickly yell it out? Well, that’s me!! …wait, that’s NOT something you wish for? Huh.

Does MAGA understand just how terrible all their art would be if they got rid of “woke” people? It would just be Kid Rock singing over the credits of a Ben Shapiro-produced movie about Gina Carano & Dean Cain teaming up to stop a trans person from giving poor kids free lunches.

One unrealistic theme in the new Superman movie is that tech oligarchs are power-obsessed lunatics who don’t care if people get hurt so long as they get theirs. UNRELATED: did you hear that Elon accidentally Hitlered up his AI?

The most unrealistic part of ANY Superman move is that a thriving newspaper exists in 2025.

Just saw Superman. It was excellent. Gunn’s script was packed to the brim without being overstuffed, it had the best Lois since Kidder, Mr. Terrific & Guy Gardner rule, & Corenswet’s decency & humanity is palpable. It also found time to attack Elon, Twitter bots, & Superkan “deconstructions”.

Superman is what you get when you take the sociopathy out of Homelander and that really frustrates MAGA for some reason.

Idea: let’s put thermal generators inside of MAGA hats so that when the faithful have to pump the brakes on their neurons whenever Trump does something like pretend that the Epstein Files don’t exist, we can harness the heat for clean energy.

I just had a Diet Dr. Pepper and chicken, cheddar, and bacon on a pretzel bun and I think regardless of your politics, we can all agree that the inventors of these two things deserve a Nobel Peace Prize WELL before Trump does.

Basically every woman is on social media going “I want a hot, liberal guy!” & yet conservative dudes keep farting into the replies of liberal men saying “you’ll never get a girlfriend with all that feminine empathy!” Like, what’s your other advice? “Don’t be tall and hate kids!”

I’ve been seeing a lot of “This Epstein List thing has MAGA shook” posts and as a longtime internet person, I gotta stop you right there… MAGA is a Teflon pan. Except measles, nothing sticks to it. Not facts, not the proper user of your/you’re, and ESPECIALLY not division. Let’s all be realistic.

My Superman Rankings: 1. Christopher Reeve 2. Tyler Hoechlin 3. George Reeves 4. Tom Welling 5. Brandon Routh 6. Henry Cavill 7-1,410,009. Every Kid Who Has Ever Tied a Blanket Around Their Neck and Pretended to be Superman 1,410,010. Dean Cain We’ll see about Corenswet soon!

Despite everything going on, I would still feel some small jolt of joy if some reporter would find it in their heart to ask Trump “How do you think Wakanda will respond to your tariff letter?”

According to Pam Bondi, when they opened the Epstein files, all they found was a note that read “Donald Trump didn’t do any bad stuff all the times he hung out with Jeffrey, signed Epstein’s Mother.”

Republicans: “We can’t wait to see what horrible stuff about democrats is in these Epstein files!” <looks at files> Republicans, waving their hand like Obi Wan Kenobi: “There are no Epstein files!”

Think of the Epstein Files as your spouse’s phone. They say, “You think I’m up to no good? You can look at my phone any time you want!” You say, “ok, let me see it!” So they smash their phone with a hammer, and then throw the pieces in the ocean. TOTALLY TRUSTWORTHY!

“Hey did you hear about that bad thing Trump did?” “SoUrCe?!” “Jesus Christ himself appeared as a 10,000 foot image, witnessed by billions, and spelled out Trump’s malfeasances in solid gold letters, floating in the sky.” “FaKe NeWS!!”

“Bees are getting in the house because we left the door open and the honey pot out. Maybe we should shut the door and put the honey away?” “YOU MONSTER! I JUST GOT STUNG! STOP POLITICIZING THE BEES!!!” “I just don’t want anyone else to get stung?” “POLITICIZING THE BEES!”

If Joe Biden had allowed his unelected foreign billionaire donor buddy to cut funding to the National Weather Service and then bad weather forecasting led to a horrific disaster in Texas while Biden partied at the White House, I bet MAGA would think that was pretty bad.

The same men who will mock women for believing in astrology will unironically declare themselves an “alpha male”, like that isn’t some debunked wolf mythology that supplement salesmen have bullied teenage boys into believing.

“And then, children, they invented YouTube and podcasts and people began to believe it was possible to know more than a scientist just by watching a 10 minute video or listening to stoners ask each other questions for 4 hours and, yadda yadda yadda, one in three of you now dies from measles.”

I guess one advantage of America collapsing in the next year is I won’t have to learn how to pronounce “semiquincentennial”.

Visiting Aunt B in the hospital has given me a new appreciation for nurses. They deal with a lot of unpleasant stuff, fluids and foulness and angry words from aching souls. I want to do something nice for them, maybe a free show for the floor (now YOU say: “haven’t they suffered enough?!”)

“Well, you see, children, in the mid 2010s a lot of people got mad because HR told them they couldn’t say certain words anymore and so, they did some voting, yadda yadda yadda, America collapsed and now we’re all soldiers in the Water Wars.”

It’s hard to fathom how many middle aged men wake up every morning, splash some water on their face, and then whisper “time to write some unsolicited comments underneath the beach pictures of a woman I don’t know!”

I wish there was a Men In Black style interview for anybody trying to become congressperson. The first question they would ask is “do you plan to have a commercial where you’re firing a gun?” If they say yes, they’re neuralized and sent home.

A bunch of people have already decided that #Superman is a bad movie because the color saturation in the trailer is dialed up from the “pharmaceutical commercial before the patient takes the anti-depressant” palette of the Snyderverse. I wish everything didn’t have to be a debate.

As a dad, sometimes after you’ve eaten your meal and had your dessert, one of your kids will need you to finish their hotdog, which, unfortunately, nullifies the dessert you ate, necessitating a second piece of pie.

Huge government agencies need to justify their own existence. So what happens to ICE once all the immigrants are deported? What does a masked, some would say “secret”, police organization become after it fulfills its mission? I’M SURE IT’S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! HAPPY FOURTH!