can't wait to eat what i made for lunch (it's 8.26)

i need to think about my desk bc i want to have access to both the space to paint and the space to draw digitally.... solutions are: 1. move painting elsewhere → where? → buy easel? 2. buy a table holder arm (?) but my tablet is big... 3. buy a laptop riser and put the tablet underneath

i like the word TRANSSEXUAL way more than transgender but to some trans people here it's like an insult bc it implies transmed

today i bring my lunch too

i really wanted to go to the park with my dog today im gonna CRY

what's in my backpack?? 1. coloured pencils 2. T gel 3. coloured markers

went for a walk in the nearby grass like a dog to preserve a little sanity i also had a colourful abstract thought that i wanted to draw (i have pencils)

yesterday i was looking at myself thinking im not that pale actually but today in the work mirror i look dead i should be allowed to leave

insane self control because i really thought about stopping to buying a very strong beer to survive the morning at least

one of my ex coworkers is now a idk what trainer and he runs 18h a week that's pretty insane actually

i will bleeed out on my work desk

weekend too short i am vicious opened LinkedIn to look at job offers and found my coworker's post about "a challenging moment at work and maybe because of that very creative" what the FUCK

no more gendered queues at the polling place?????? oh my god wow

art is something alive because it does heal a bit of my loneliness

i will not dwell too much on the feeling of seeing everyone else's life move, unfold, grow in front of me while i feel paralysed and small and nothing visible

it was a funny "news" moment for everyone so i told my friends my news (t), one said he noticed my lil new mustache 👁️ 👁️

MY STRAIGHT MARRIED FRIEND IS PREGNANT 😭😭😭 i guess i sensed it was a special day

overdressed for the sunday lunch with my straight married friends

a change I'm not sure i personally am too fond of is body hair pattern bc if i think about my dad I'm like meh not the best genes to be honest dude

my hair looks fantastic today omg it's a bit long but with t in my body I'm not really dysphoric abt it

local lgbt association wants to create a t* group and i was invited, that was cute of them 🥲 i have conflicting feelings because the association is necessary and a trans* group would be amazing locally but some people in there are annoying, liberal and don't believe in non binary identities...

i thought: i need something to change my mood immediately and i pulled this edit again lmao my 3 fave vegaspete edits 1. this 2. the devil is a gentleman 3. me and the devil (4. gasoline)

maybe i should call the therapist and send her something written first since i can't speak ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i didn't send the poem to the contest because I didn't want to send my ID, i feel such distance within myself, is that even something a name can do? just a name? what's in that name? and what's in this one? am i even anywhere??

i was exited to meet friends but im also excited to spend the evening at home painting omg yess 😭😭😭

it is frustrating

one very fun activity to do at work is drawing one-line little humans like this: because I'm just moving my pen im not in control of what they end up doing and it's fun to find out their different personalities

1 more hour, im in a meditative state (coworker asked if i was asleep) (what if i was?)

i need to go home and shower so bad i have so little time

worsened my mental situation by trying to talk about it but in a very stupid way and i don't want to admit to it

im about to cry bc I'm doing everything wrong

i dont feel like putting outdoor clothes on ughhhhhh

I'm currently using a few of my grand grand father's brushes and i bet they were fk expansive as fuck because they are SO smooth and it's been idk 60 years?

painted for 2h so everything that was making me cry went on second and third place in my mind

im sorry bisexual icon Tamara de Lempicka but it's the second time I'm given one of your paintings to study i should've said no

is it work depression and post-work agony or something why am i never okay lol

i would like to split my existence into 3/4 people

i discovered i don't like small canvases 😔 i crave physically bigger art

you have no idea the insane amount of times I've watched this

wow hyinjin new post is incredible what the fuck is that queer ass vibe istg

i wanna make a digital collage put the weirdest colours in it and then make a painting from that mmmmmmmmm

im about to smash the fucking keyboard with my fist and then put it into my mouth so to leave early

ate lunch twice

i find it very funny that my coworkers follow me on instagram bc i like a lot of anti work and communist stuff and i use trans slang and they're probably like "she's a bit weird haha"

testosterone ✅✅ i think I'll be using this pharmacy from now on very cozy, small, fast service, sent everything via chat

if i close my eyes i see this edit youtu.be/YFIdSbPmV4I?...

almost 4pm 1h30 left staring at the void all around me

i am a caged animal

why am i not in my room painting burn everything to the fk ground

why the only "trans friendly" pharmacy is also the only ine that doesnt have a supplier for testosterone??? 😭😭 what makes you trans friendly exactly