Hey man, sorry your mom is dying of throat cancer but can you maybe take your very personal call outside and not in my place of business on fucking speaker phone, you deranged shit pickle

Stop telling people to shut up, and start normalizing telling them "I reclaim my time" and walk away

There's video out there of two dudes fucking each other in the ass, and it's still not as gay as Kid Rock's Half Assed Show

The Israeli spy in charge of following me just put my bris on my Google calendar. Seems a bit late for that, to be fair

BREAKING NEWS: Starscream is NOT in the Epstein Files

So, my dog almost dies of a grand mal seizure last night and I'm just supposed to go to work tomorrow? The fuck?

MAGA: THE SECOND AMENDMENT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE CONSTITUTION Also those diaper baby retard fucks when the fucking piss drinking pedo President of the United States okays literal execution in the streets:

Bad Bunny should get up there at the Super Bowl, do a great set and then just end the last few minutes with silence. Can you imagine how Looney Tunes level pissed MAGA would be if their beloved pass time was interrupted for a few minutes by person of color by not saying anything

I wonder what the first Dilbert comic written from hell will be like

I don't need good vibes, I need ICE agents getting curb stomped on my FYP daily

Sorry, ma'am. It's a schlort

You ever accidently leave your phone at home and have to rawdog work?

Me on Tuesday at 5:30pm

Woody Allen was at the island? The island where they diddled kids? Woody Allen? The guy that married his daughter with a 35 year age gap? That Woody Allen? Get the fuck out of here

Tiktok can remove my comment but they can't remove Israel's blood soaked cock from their mouths.

20 likes and I'll fart really loudly in this zoom meeting at work

Men (and cool women) yearn for the nipple

We should put more billionaires in more subs, just streamline the process at this point

"Being nice is free!" Yeah, so is being a hater

Gooch scooch

You ever walk past people talking and accidentally gain NPC lore?

Damn, he really Doug Dimmadied

Nobody: Tiktok shop pages for some reason: oh my god, I'm sitting here watching Grey's Anatomy and farting blood, if only Goli made a gummy for my super diarrhea

Michael Dell and the sex doll that he brought to life using the Faustian bargain with Donald Trump want to give your kid AIDS. No wait, that's not right. It says here money, but it's clearly AIDS

"Go big, or go home." Me leaving work early: say no more

What did she mean by this

Welcome to Oklahoma, where the median IQ is half of the current temperature

Me walking into a movie theater sneaking in two of those huge bags of popcorn to save money

MFW I put something on the top rack with the forklift at work and pray I got it on there and it won't, for some reason, come undone and crush me to death

My genie: was it worth it? Me, holding three brand new vintage Charlotte Hornets 90s starter jackets: hell yeah

You've been excited before, but have you been "new pillow" excited?

I don't want to go to the in laws, I wanna get high and play Cloverpit

Thats crazy that this is a real picture and is no way AI

Till the series finale

AI really went from "haha look at low poly Will Smith eating noodles" to "my stripper job was taken by Grok and its doing a way better job than I ever could"

I should not be able to scroll tiktok doing 70 on the freeway and be a more attentive driver than half these schmucks. If you drive under the speed limit you have a mental illness and should be removed from the road

Please go support this woman. The KGB already broke her legs and are forcing her to draw pictures of cute anime women.

Had some free time this morning, so I googled "chill places to hang out around me". Mostly everything is still closed, except a coffee shop. The one I'm currently sitting in

Me being led into the break room for the "pizza party" (they're gonna shoot me in the back of the head)

Accidentally let it linger

Imagine getting the role of a lifetime, and you spend half the movie with Bowie's fat cock in your face

If the full epstein files get released, I'll post the OF link

Thats crazy they made Balatro into a real card game

I'm too much of a self absorbed asshole to be a cuck

Fuck, I'm old

If I had a nickle for every Presidental blowjob scandal, I'd have two nickles, which isn't a lot but it's weird it happened twice