Why does everyone in this picture have a Bible that was signed by Jimmy Buffet

Domain expansion? How about bank account expansion

Remember when everyone was all into 3D? Like the movies were 3D, TVs were in 3D, 3DS, my dad's funeral, everything was in 3D

Ive been putting my entire PUSSY into this account and Ive yet to get a call from the President of Jokes, Jonathan Jokes, awarding me the Medal of Laughter. I just get the FBI asking where I buried my wife's body

Interscope records: hey, we're really glad to have you on board, we really love the song, just please tell me you don't have any skeletons in your closet. D4vd: in my closet, no

I love this autism weather

Gonna take a whole bunch of these and get super autistic tonight

It's Rapture Day! Here's some fun activities to do with the whole family: - Read the Bible during a picnic - Volunteer one last time - End a human life - Call the president and tell him he's a vitamin D deficient circus clown dipshit - Make cinnamon rolls

Hey, since the Rapture is in two days, I guess I'll come on here and drop some major news since we'll all be gone soon anyway. I lied. I don't have a 10 inch penis. I know this might come as a shock to some of you, but it's actually 11 inches

Absolutely no one: 9-1-1 season 10 trailer next year:

Sure, when the kids do it, it's cool, but when I do it, I "need to go home and change cause there's shit in my pants"

artist moment

You think the nudey mags in Harry Potter's world had moving pictures or something

Imagine drawing this picture and thinking what an artist you are and people just use it for memes like "mom wont let me have choccy milk. She just doesnt understand the beast inside me"

Hey, so this was a bad idea

Mystery breakfast burrito

Hey guys, CSO of Antifa here, and it's sad to announce, but we're gonna have to close shop. We were a great organization, but if you work at Antifa, (check your city for your nearest store) I guess just don't come to work tomorrow. Also, the President can go fuck himself

I wanna become a serious political shit talker, but want to remain true to my shitpost nature. Maybe i ought to create another alt on here

I hope this man gets aids from all the dudes he fucks on a daily basis

Well, that was quick

Got asked today waiting in line for my food if I "fuck with the pickles at all". I said I do fuck with pickles, but it's really the lady's choice

Someone is selling an air guitar on the tiktok shop. 3 dollars, free shipping. Can't tell if stupid or genius

Employers were really in their bag when they coined the "if you're sick, stay home" and in the same breath give you a serf's pittance of sick time

Zero: I'm calling it Operation Snake Eater Snake: because I'm going up against The Boss and her cobra unit, right? Zero: uh... yeah. That's totally why I called it that

I'd rather live in my hell than your heaven

Just say things. Get in trouble. Offend an old white woman by telling her that she's the reason there's still racism in the world. Tell your boss that you can't work because you suffer from night terrors about the ewoks from Star Wars coming to eat your innards. You have free will

The year is 2052. Everyone on the planet has an Onlyfans. Everyone fucks everyone. Its orgy o clock all over the world 24/7. Please take this phone away from me

"We're having a pizza party at lunch today" - my boss Me:

People on the right will forget all about Charlie Kirk as soon as Fox News gives them something else to clutch their pearls about. I dunno, something like the McRib is back or Obama has three dicks, who knows

My dad picked a weird day to up and die, but I still celebrate the big guy every year. Miss you, dad

I think if I was a serial killer, it would have to do with traffic related incidents cause how does your dumb fucking donkey brain see a 45mph sign and go "I'm gonna do 35". THE JUDAS CRADLE FOR YOU, YOU SOGGY BANANA

Fuck a Labubu, give me a 24 karat lobotomy

I wish there were polls on here but settle a bet: Morning showers or night showers?

My wife bought a Vibe Rater, but the videos she's making isn't rating anything.

Listen, all I'm saying is if you didn't want me to play hentai at full volume in the middle of Dennys, then there should be a sign out front.

Rhea Ripley in a sundress

Mike Johnson: okay okay you got me. Donald Trump was an FBI informant. He raped kids to help the FBI. Checkmate, libs

I don't have a masturbation problem. I have a masturbation solution

I like those girls that got an

Would Sandman shoot cum, or like... sand?

"Fake news. No, I was not cut up into little pieces by the Bay Harbor Butcher and tossed out in bags. James Doakes was caught many years ago, and my good friend Dexter Morgan is with his son in New York. Tremendous patriot, that Dexter."

No official word, but I'm an optimist.

This had to be Joe Biden's fault

Yamenaide kudasai

I've never played golf, but I'd bet my whole bank account that I could beat Trump by at least 5 strokes, and that's not the ones he's actively having

Hey, period cramps, you better stay away from the women, or you and I are gonna have some strongly worded emails going forward, bud

Really glad the Trump Administration will see this as an opportunity to have the national guard pick up dog shit for 3 weeks in Minneapolis. Fucking useless government