I need to mourn the passing of the ZHOU YU MOSQUITO KILLING BAT VERY POWERFUL FAMILY HELPER, fried by a bum battery.

My birdseed brings all the bears to the yard.

Did anyone consider it might be because her handwriting is really bad?

Deleted final scene from The Lorax.

Choose your philosopher: Crosswalk Button or Soap Dispenser.

Influencer Tantalus:

Sic Scooby on SCOTUS.

See, it does all make sense.

Render unto Little Caesar …

We all need a ballroom.

Oh come on by halfway through you know it’s going to happen in a Waffle House.

The amount of misinformation we’re getting about an incident that just occurred in front of 1,500 news reporters is truly the metaphor of our generation.

“It’s worth the trip.”

There’s always a tell.

This should clarify things.

Today is the 251st anniversary of Paul Revere's midnight ride to warn the Minutemen of approaching British troops. I want to take a moment to share an excerpt from the Declaration of Independence's grievances against King George III. Remind you of anyone?

Off to the gym.

Wow I just discovered this old AD&D adventure and say what you will, this might be the best representation of how he saw the Avignon Papacy.

In a sane administration, this is what we’d use to inspire national pride and a sense of shared purpose — not pride in our cruelty, our ability to inflict damage, our involvement in disastrous, unmerited wars, our withdrawal of aid from those who need it around the world.

I love the idea of the “quiet city montage” accompanied by a series of fart sounds. Like, “In one of these houses …”

Is it crappy of me to complain that after all those decades of us designing cool sci-fi space suits, astronauts just go up in khakis and quarter zips?

He needs to self-deport.

Montpelier, VT.

Our nation has become a criminal enterprise, and we’re paying for it.

Come on baby light my dumpster fire.

“Fewer allies does not make America great.”

Exactly.

To be clear, Melania Trump is the one on the right.

And we’re sending our kids out to walk on streets that Google Maps has already surveyed. What’s the point of having them even stand up?

Please let this be true.

Fitting that the statue is in chains seeing as Christopher Columbus himself was brought back to Spain enchained, in disgrace, for the senseless brutality and utter incompetence of his leadership both at sea and in Hispaniola. A real American hero, to some.