Apologizing to my boss that I haven’t tweeted about him in awhile

Your honor, the prosecution has spent all their time taking about me, but more importantly, how are *you*

Your honor, be honest am I cooked

*holding up a 1,042 page document* Marshall Scott: your honor, I would like to submit this into evidence The Judge: this is just pictures of your lawyer’s dogs??

Do you ever think about how there’s infinite different versions of you that exist in people’s minds cuz everyone perceives you differently and in some people’s minds you don’t exist at all

Bro I don’t think we saved the daylight bro

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

Sorry I ghosted you on Halloween

How’s it goin

Calling the police cuz someone turned the escalator into stairs

Rubbing crushed Tylenol on my gums while easily walking up a broken escalator

Freebasing Tylenol in the office parking lot

I thought he got trapped in an elevator, are you telling me the escalator turned into stairs and he didn’t know what to do 😭

Getting escorted outta the bar cuz I won’t stop showing the bartender my old tweets

If I skeet here If I just skeet here Would you skeet with me And just skeet at the world

Calling my boss to tell him he sucks

No I didn't see the Coldplay jumbotron thing I was busy looking at my wife

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

Haven’t really been feeling it lately tbh

No I didn't see Donald start WWIII I was busy looking at my wife

Racist coworkers be like “I’m going to work tomorrow”

Punching a hole in my wall before bed

And if I only could I'd make a deal with Grok And get him to be more racist -Elon Musk, alone in twitters headquarters shooting up ketamine

Asking my dentist a question then sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

Donald Trump EXONERATED by *checks notes*.. the guy whose also trying to convince people Jeffrey Epstein is innocent

Who the hell are Donald Trump and Elon Musk

Completing CAPTCHAs just to feel alive

Accidentally barked at my boss

Sitting on the curb explaining to the garbage man that four stickers should be more than enough for him to haul me away

Everyone logging on to bluesky cuz twitter is down

Slipping the anesthesiologist a twenty and asking them to keep me under for a few weeks

First date idea: we make an entire bag of pizza rolls and cyber bully your boss

I wanna hear myself think again

I’m a consumer of literature

An ice bath but it's a shower that pelts you with golf ball sized ice cubes

Going to the library to eat some books

Just ordered a forklift certification from the dark web

Still can’t believe the Cardinals elected the Pope with a rap battle and Leo won cuz he rhymed burial of Jesus with venereal diseases

Should I tweet again or should I hit myself in the head with a shovel

I showed up 37 minutes late

Ah yes, another day

Ah yes, another day

I showed up 37 minutes late

Sleeping in my closet just to feel alive

Calling my boss to ask if he can get to work a little early tomorrow so we can get a head start on the day

Saturday night with the boys shotgunning Four Lokos and doing some arts and crafts

Driving around pointing at all the hills I’d die on

I don’t even want to know 15 people

Tried wearing two hats in a meeting and my boss flipped me outta my chair and let everyone hit me with sticks