I used to have an addiction to pantomime puns, but it’s behind me

Someone tell Morrissey to get to Primark

My daughter: Can I play you a song I like? It’s called ‘we will rock you’ Me: Yes, I’ll put it on Daughter: it’s by a band calmed ‘Queen’. You probably haven’t heard of them.

I’m Facebook friends with a school mum who hates me Meta: “wouldn’t it be a shame if you left your phone unlocked then accidentally lent on the right combination of buttons to post her status update about her dead uncle to your Facebook feed?”

Our annual Christmas clay modelling competition has commenced. Please vote for your favourite: A B C D

“This is Vixen. Don't worry, you're totally gonna like her cos she is "the sexy one".” - the other reindeers, probably

‘Giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet’ is kind of a sick burn

Santa - but make it unsettling

Women of Bsky: what would you have done on this situation? Was on a 3hr train journey on a half-filled train. Every x2 seat had one person sat down & a spare seat next to them. Half the carriages were reserved / half free-for-all.

Woman sitting next to me on the train got out her phone and called ‘Chris (mad one)’ to come and pick her up from the station.

My love language is looking up your name on the sylvanian families wiki to see which animal you are: sylvanianfamilies.fandom.com/wiki/Sylvani...

Actual photo of me on my work Christmas night out with my much younger colleagues

The mum friends you meet when your kids start school are next level. Was at a party last night and one asked me if I wanted to go outside and howl at the moon

Father Christmas has come early! There’s a trampoline in my garden

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

Spotify Wrapped: but for parenting “You’ve repeated yourself 8567 times this year 📣💥😭 Your kids are in the 0.9% of children who don’t fucking listen 👧👦👂”

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is just a song about how men get fast tracked into managerial positions. In this essay I will…

Oh my goodness- it really is like the good old days on Twitter here, isn’t it?!

Gregg Wallace added that extra ‘G’ to his name to try to make himself seem cooler. His real name is Regg.

Only 23 Gregg Wallace apologies until Christmas

There’s sibling rivalry, then there’s my 4-year-old daughter faking a phone call from her one-year-old brother’s nursery to tell us that we don’t have to collect him today because he’s going to live there now and he ‘won’t even miss us’

New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can't keep him :( He's ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.