I simply do not understand why people think Kermit is at all dateable. yes he has attractive qualities, but look how he is in an actual relationship. won’t properly commit to Miss Piggy but also won’t be honest and say he’s not interested.

tonight I went to Hofbräuhaus with some people from work and I ordered the chili cheese kransky and when I cut into it for the first time, it shot a geyser of genuinely spicy sausage juice into both my eyes and I just had to sit there like

dehydration headache AND needing to pee? at the same time?? life is a curse.

Big Dry Bean: can I offer you a cheap and delicious source of protein in these trying times? me: wow yes this is amazing BDB: ((some of the beans might actually be rocks)) me: what?? BDB: nothing, my pretty ((heh heh heh))

everyone’s in favour of accommodations for neurodivergent people until I request the accommodation of everyone listening to the album I’m hyperfixated on in full without talking and then telling me it’s the best thing they’ve ever heard.

when Australian companies kick off their Black Friday sales

you: a fart me, an intellectual:

Spotify DJ: hey I noticed you listened to that one Eskimo Joe song you remember from your teens coz it was on that one Triple J Hottest 100 CD. how about this other Eskimo Joe song from the same era? me:

if I played Elvis in a movie, I would simply not let that affect my irl accent. sorry Austin Butler but I’m built different

was telling my shrink some gossip today and she gave me one of these so obviously I can die happy now.

amidst the rising popularity of thermal printers (✨”iNkLeSs TeChNoLoGy”✨), literally nothing makes me madder than all the companies selling them as perfect for journaling, or note-taking during study without disclosing that the printouts aren’t PERMANENT.

me: mum can we get F•R•I•E•N•D•S? mum: we have F•R•I•E•N•D•S at home F•R•I•E•N•D•S at home:

I read one book about the real story of the Great Escape and now Audible thinks I’m a boomer dad with a WWII special interest 😩

all along I’ve been like “leave the young people alone! we millennials have suffered too much at the hands of older generations to now judge those younger than us!” but them deciding that 6-7 is peak comedy when the much funnier 69 is only two numbers away may break me.

Cotton On Body? uh okay, grass on ground. clouds in sky.

when someone posts in the community FB page like “found these keys at the plaza, DM me if they’re yours” instead of just handing them in to Lost and Found and moving on with their life, and you just know they don’t get to experience any other form of power or control in their everyday life.

he’s a 10 but he pronounces Uno “you-no”.

me: husband: Carrie from Sex and the City would love that place.

Phil Rosenthal voice over: I don’t think anyone could be angry after tasting this porchetta focaccia so I’m taking my leftovers to Cronulla Beach, home of the 2005 Cronulla race riots…

I gotta be honest, there’s little I trust less than the applause of Venice and Cannes audiences. you don’t have to tell me how many minutes a film got when you’re pitching it to me, that’s worth less than nothing.

when my phone autocorrects ‘apple’ to ‘Apple’.

I keep getting my eczema steroid cream in my eyes coz I have dryness around them and contrary to what you might assume, it’s not giving me jacked eyeballs.

god save me from this guy next to me at the hairdresser who calls women “females” and says it’s harder for men to find love because fEmALeS are materialistic and don’t know how to handle peace when they find it because of the chaos in their past.

me, waiting for my turn at the hairdresser: woman getting her hair done next to me: …in a weird way, COVID was a good thing… me: 👀

I think women need to get better at recognising which anecdotes about their husbands, while very funny in-jokes within the confines of the marriage where you both know each other very well, trust each other and know the tone they used etc., make them seem psychotic when viewed in a public forum.

something I think about a lot is David Arquette in Muppets From Space teasing the rats for not having opposable thumbs. I also like to lord my opposable thumbs over animals.

because I stand with him. #istandwithbarnowl

hey Amazon….what?

the most addictive substance known to man is someone sliding into your DMs like “I don’t want to start shit with your friends on main, but their comments are insane and you are on the objectively correct side of this issue.”

what’s great about Is It Cake on Netflix is whenever I’m reminded of its existence I think “man I miss Nailed It”.

me: husband: *to the tune of Pretty Women from Sweeney Todd* Little Britain 🎶

me, alone in the house: up yours, woke moralists! we’ll see who cancels who!!

about to have a full meltdown coz Typo appears to have stopped making the weekly planner I’ve been buying annually for the last seven years. did they even think about the autistics?!

PSA: don’t make online purchases using AppleID. it will send the embarrassing name you saved your own number under (as a joke!) to internet personalities you have parasocial friendcrushes on.

my LinkedIn connection request page is just a graveyard of dudes who have zero self-awareness of how unpleasant they were to work with.

remember EC? this is him now. feel old yet??

psychologist: golf club cover Bert isn’t real, he can’t hurt you golf club cover Bert:

someone just thanked me for letting them past and I went to say “no worries” and “all good” at the same time and it just came out as “no good!”

tfw I decide to get two different caffeinated beverages with breakfast, to hell with the gastrointestinal consequences.

baby brother: ew gross me: what? bb: ugh just these new trains they’re adding to the Melbourne fleet.

my husband just called and asked if I wanted anything if he went to Subway on the way home and I was like “sure I’ll take a 6 inch……..and then I’ll have a sandwich” and he laughed so hard that he crashed his car and died and now I’m a widow. don’t jape and drive!

if you ever saw me looking sad, angry and/or disgusted, it’s not coz I have resting bitch face - I was thinking about the chopped onion dispenser at Costco.

I hate this time of year coz the days are so beautiful, sunny and warm and then the night are freezing and my suffering begins anew. every evening, another betrayal.

Amazon login page: enter your OTP me: huh, okay. *typing* Aragorn….and…Éyowyn

sorry I was late to Father’s Day lunch, I decided to engage on an AI slop post in my local community’s FB group about how at least older generations grew up with common sense.

how I feel charring eggplants and capsicums over a gas flame on the stove.

nothing makes me madder than a meme like “hey you, drop your shoulders and unclench your jaw 😘✨” coz I am invariably hunching my shoulders and clenching my jaw and it makes me feel very “why you little!! how dare you point out my constant stress! stop perceiving me, you don’t even know me! 😠😠😠”

Herald Sun out here reaching new, unexplored depths of obsequiousness and boot-lickery.

much is said about the ADHD mystery bruise but not enough is said about the ADHD “inadvisedly turned a random object into a fidget toy and hurt myself” injury (eg. the blood blister I gave myself on my hand today playing with the leg clasp on a folding table).