If Keane had lightly slapped Gueye back, would the ref have sent them both off? Cos we still would’ve won. UTFT! 💙

Can we talk about Friday?! ☺️ My tour hit a packed Liverpool Playhouse and it was GLORIOUS 💓 Thanks to everyone who came out and to Michelle who got onstage to do press-ups with me for a reason I can’t quite recall 🤣 I love you all xxx 📷: Andy Hollingworth

The commentary for Scotland's 4th goal last night might be the greatest piece of sports commentary ever. Pure chaos and joy. McFadden on co-comms screaming 'SHOOT! SHOOT!' before Liam McLeod shouts 'He's gonna shooooOOOOT OH HAS THAT GONE IN?! OHHHHHHHH!!!' Pandemonium! Class.

I'm in awe of what Sara Cox is doing right now for Children in Need! 5 marathons in 5 days (in British autumn weather) is frankly, ridiculous 👏 I was lucky enough to appear on her show a few years back. And I'm pleased to report she was just as lovely and down to earth off-mic as she is on air.

WW1 - Archduke Franz Ferdinand assassinated WW2 - Hitler invades Poland WW3 - Nonce

‘In the future, everyone will be in the Epstein Files for 10 minutes’ - Andy Warhol

Hearing reports that Jeffrey Epstein is mentioned in the Epstein Files. More to follow.

‘Next on BBC1 we’ll be discussing if the BBC are institutionally biased. But first up, it’s Bargain Hunt with Nigel Farage…’

BREAKING: BBC apologise to Donald Trump for editing a speech to make him coherent.

That point against Sunderland looking much better in hindsight…

John Lewis ‘British Values’

Why did people vote for the new Mayor of New York?

If you’re working full-time and still can’t afford basic food and rent, something is severely wrong.

If Dewsbury Hall was any sloppier he’d have to go home in Tupperware.

Venue had a guest book so I wrote this.

Having a moment. Thinking about all the people who’ve come out to see me on this tour so far. Leeds last night was a joy. Thanks to Stuart for the best heckle. Thanks to Katie Tracey for her brill support slot. Thanks to everyone who came out, either the 1st time or the 5th. ♥️

Leeds! Let’s goooo 🤘😍🤘

Rachel Reeves.

An apology.

Parliament won’t discuss Prince Andrew?!

Prince Andrew.

Trump AI video.

Thanks to everyone who came to Hedge End on Friday. A really special venue for me. Shout out to Hanif who bought me a beer during the interval and Tanya who took this pic. Next up, Wrexham 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿

The biggest problem with AI is that I now presume every video / image I see to be AI-generated and thus believe nothing.

Fridge is broke. Not going to bed till I’ve eaten everything.

We have all been radicalised…

A message.

The Gaza summit.

‘Go suck your Kings wanker’

Mick told me how to deal with death threats.

Didn’t have ‘Zack Polanski comments on your FB post’ on my 2025 bingo card.

Hope and equality? Not for me, ta.

Someone just tried to insult me by calling me a ‘lefty scouser’. Thanks 👍

New episode of Taproom Tramps every Friday.

Did you see the chocolate bar?! 🤣

Had a great time in the USA 🇺🇸

EUSTON TANNOY: Customers are reminded not to run at any time

I refuse to go onstage without a pink couch 🤣

If Britain was a house party

Forest fan on front row of my show tonight told me he was avoiding the result so he could watch it when he got home. He must be watching it right now. Poor fecker.

Well that was quite the experience! Quick trip to NYC to host a fundraising gala, then back to Blighty for shows in Bristol, Southend and Cambridge this weekend 💪🤓 (where I will NOT be dressed in a tux, soz)

Imagine a revenge movie starring Liam Neesan where he tracks down and incarcerates all the PPE crooks from the pandemic.

‘You can identify as anything nowadays’

Gig in NYC baby! ♥️

5 Live news just led with a piece about Starmer's speech at the Labour conference and the ONLY clip they played was NIGEL FARAGE'S RESPONSE. Balanced.

Digital ID to stop immigrants?

No make up. Just me in my Oodie. Do I still have that magic? ✨

People announcing their departure on social media never gets old 🤣

Migrants eating swans?