How long should socks be? Twelve inches, so you can fit in one foot

Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him

My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear

What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted

Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer when we complained about the heat

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states. Solid, liquid, and gas

Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one

If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb

What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar

What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do

What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? A dirty double-crosser

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make it on Wednesdays”

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once

A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF

How do construction workers party? They raise the roof

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday

People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

I get plenty of exercise. Jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency... I always write, “A very good doctor”

My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one

A giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!

Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?

I worry about ridiculous things... Likw how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning?

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?” “I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny

There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall. Terrible king, but a great ruler

Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. "That's one too many!" says the customer. The clerk replies "It's a freebie"

What works faster than a calculator? A calcu-sooner!

Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use? I for one

When I was little, my parents always fed me alphabet soup, claiming that I liked it. They were just putting words in my mouth

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159. Then it just CLIX…

Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good Jack and the beans talk

Steven: Good evening Stephen: Good ephening

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. But in medieval times people were called lance a lot

My doctor told me I'm going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear

Science puns make me numb. But math puns make me number