When I was a kid, bedtime was 9pm. And l couldn’t wait to be a grown- up so I could go to bed anytime I wanted. Turns out that is 9 pm

It doesn't matter if you're tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day.... It's night

I recently entered the world kleptomaniac championships. I took gold, silver, and bronze

Electric vehicle owners should ONLY be allowed to charge their cars using solar and wind power, otherwise it's just pretend

My wife told me she’s making a trail mix without any raisins or M&M’s. I told her, “Well that’s just nuts”

My son asked me what I use to play on the iPad as a kid. I told him I use to talk into a fan to sound like a robot

When scientists said the Universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons, they forgot to mention morons

A telemarketer called and asked to speak to whoever runs the household. I passed the phone to my cat

At my age I am good at multitasking. I can listen, ignore and forget all at once

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank? Do you just call them and say you can't come?

Join me in the 3 day challenge! No alcohol on February 29, 30 or 31

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise... And I was right

A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?" Assistant: "No. It kills them"

It’s gardening season: Five weeks ago I planted myself on the sofa and I’ve grown considerably

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex- wife split the house. He got the outside

Today I was struggling to get my wife's attention. So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick

I'm not a magician but I once turned a back rub into two kids and a mortgage

I've decided on my new career. I'm going to be a backwards stripper. I come out on stage naked, and people pay me to put my clothes back on

Went for a job interview today at IKEA. The manager said: "Come in, make a seat"

Dude 1: "Hey bro?" Dude 2: "Yeah bro?" Dude 1: "Can you hand me that pamphlet?" Dude 2: "Brochure"

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So I did. We had a few drinks, pretty cool guy, said he works in web design

I just accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight

I bumped into the guy who sold me my antique globe. It's a small world

I was wondering if I should go to work today, and then I saw some guys putting up a giant rectangle along the highway. It was a sign

Waiter: I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak? Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes

Having too much sex can cause memory loss. I read it on page 19 in a medical journal on the 4th March 2017 at 4:16pm

My wife wanted to brighten up the garden. So l planted some bulbs

The instructor in my self defence class said that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees. Personally, I think it's nuts

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but l'd still love you"

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet? l asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either

While most puns make me feel numb. Math puns make me feel number

"What are your dogs' names?" Me: "Calvin and Klein" "Isn't that a brand of underwear?" Me: "Exactly, they're boxers"

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred use. She said Johnnie

I just realized that the word "seven" has "even" in it. That's odd

My cellphone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday. It was some pretty good footage

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor. I told him, "you will be mist"

What do you call a cult that is hard to get into? Difficult

Went to the doctors yesterday with a suspicious looking mole. He said they all look like that and I should have left him in my garden

My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she'll get stuck in them. I said, "You'll come round eventually"

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. This is called the Wurst Käse scenario

Just had a police man knock my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye... I told him to use both as he'd probably find him a lot quicker

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore... I just bought a TV & it said "Built in Antenna". I don't even know where that is

I didn't think I was fat. Till the woman in McDonald's said: "Sorry about your weight"

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with tennis - and I'm too old. I said: "I'm only 40 love"

Most dads only drink on days that begin with T: Tuesday, Thursday ... ... Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, and Thunday

Most dads only drink on days that begin with T: Tuesday, Thursday ... ... Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, and Thunday

I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears

Poop jokes aren't my favourite kind of joke. But they are a solid #2