Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shellfish

This year, I’m walking away from my bank account. I’m getting rid of all the negative things in my life

Be nice to dentists. They have fillings too

I can recite every single digit of pi. Just not in order

What do you call someone who is good at fishing? A profishional

This month, I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K. It’s my New Year’s resolution

Why did the barber win the race? He knew a short cut

What device does Mario use when he wants to communicate with the dead? A Lou-ouija board

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone? The invention of the second one

I dig, you dig, we dig, she digs, he digs, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep

Do you know the first rule of Condescending Club? Well it's complex and I don't think you'd understand it if I tried explaining it to you

If people from Portugal are called Portuguese, what do you call a single person from Portugal? Portugoose

What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher

My wife and I always argue over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week. You know. Roll reversal

I’ll soon be sharing some jokes about library books. They are long overdue

I’ve told several jokes about chemistry here on X. No one ever likes or comments or shares them. Seems I just can’t get a reaction

My son asked me if I was glad there wasn’t an “e” in my name. I said, “Yes because otherwise I’d be dead”

Why did the lawyer show up to court in his underwear? He forgot his lawsuit

My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great! I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

What would Batman do if he wasn’t rich? He would be robbin’

Look, I don't want to sound conceited, but when I left the hotel… I'm pretty sure that the receptionist was checking me out

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s such a shame they’ll never meet

I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them. I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them

My friend asked me if he could set up a human cloning lab in my basement. I said “Sure, make yourself at home”

I was gonna tell a sodium joke. But Na

What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time no sea

My family told me to get help for my coffee addiction. So I hired a barista

Where do birds stay when they travel? Someplace cheep

Age 16: This incredibly loud and packed house party is awesome. Age 26: This loud trendy bar is awesome. Age 36: People need to speak one at a time at the dinner table

Did you know it’s illegal to laugh out loud in Hawaii? You have to keep it to a low ha

It's dangerous to unclog a toilet at the top of a skyscraper. You could plunge to your death

The furniture store keeps calling me non-stop. All I wanted was that one night stand

When I was young, I was poor. But after years of hard work and dedication, I can finally say I’m no longer young

I get depressed if I don't have time to play video games. I always need to console myself

What can you find in the middle of a jelly fish? It's jelly button

I call it an elevator, but my British mate calls it a lift. I guess we were just raised differently

I had to fire the man I hired to mow my lawn. He just didn’t cut it

Interviewer: “It says in your resume that you went to Harvard.” Me: “Yes for my cousin’s graduation”

I don't understand why some people choose to use fractions instead of decimals. It's pointless

Why don’t spiders need to go to school? They pick everything up on the web

So there I was this morning, sat drinking coffee in my slippers, and I thought to myself… I should buy some mugs

What do you call a lamp that always says “please” and “thank you”? Polight

This morning I made sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face. Now I’m not allowed to bring Sharpies into the bedroom anymore

Why do the numbers 3 and 5 make such a great team? Because together, they thrive

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound engineer. And I’ve got a Czech one too. A Czech one too

What would happen if a piano fell on you? You’d b flat

I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet. Now it’s clogged

You know cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox all you want and nobody raises an eyebrow

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons. They just take your money and run