I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so…” “This was identified early on as a likely outcome”

Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe

Someone broke into my garage and stole my son’s limbo stick. Seriously how low can you go?

A man went to trial for stealing underwear and hiding them in his bag. Needless to say, it was a brief case

My first workout back at the gym was great. I did 15 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes on the defibrillator, and 3 days in the hospital

Just heard someone shout out “Tequila! Vodka! Whiskey!” I said “Hey I call the shots around here!”

Do you think Humpty Dumpty really fell off the wall on his own? Or was someone egging him on?

I just flew back from a Transformers convention. And boy are my arms tires

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered now

It annoys me when people misuse the words concrete, asphalt and gravel. Proper cementics is important people

What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch? Fission chips

Two pieces of advice for you: 1. Always use metaphors correctly. 2. Never judge a cook by his brother

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was uncommon. I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot

On weekends, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's super hard to find exactly 32 of them

I jusr started my own flower store. Business is blooming

Guess what I saw? Wood

My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible. But the tips were massive

Last night, while my wife was asleep I decided to write algebraic terms all over her. You should have seen the expression on her face

I hired a handyman and gave him a to-do list. When I got home only items 1, 3, and 5 got done. Turns out he only does odd jobs

I just found out the neighborhood had a meeting about the crazy person on the street. Weird that they didn't invite me

When I was a kid, we bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door

My neighbor just got arrested for ruining our community garden. They charged him with disturbing the peas

A photographer was setting up for a large group picture when a lump of cheddar hit him and killed him. In the group’s defense, they did try to warn him

I still have my late grandmother in my contacts. We shouldn't have scattered her ashes on such a windy day

It's ok to believe in life after love. Cher if you agree

Ice cream van had an accident near me. The area has been coned off

A hundred years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh how the stables have turned

2:00pm: Gonna save the other half of this sandwich for later. 2:06pm: Time to finish that sandwich

I just saw a shop assistant scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode scanner. The look on his face was priceless

What is a baker's favorite kind of shoes? Loafers

Don’t ever trust the king of the jungle. He's always lion

What do you call a sleeping T-Rex? A dino-snore

1. Scooby 2. Yabba Dabba - My 2 Doo list

Inflation is really getting out of hand these days, but that’s just my nine cents

I don't want to brag but I know the capitals of all the states. For example, Oregon is “O”

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable

Never use a cloud-based phone. You’ll end up with mist calls

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably feeling mad

What do you call it when the Grim Reaper offers to tidy up your hair? A brush with Death

What do you get when the sunrise bends over? The crack of dawn

How did the hackers escape the police? They ransomware

Coworker told me I have big knuckles today. It seemed like a backhanded compliment

To everyone out there suffering from paranoia, just remember: You’re not alone

My wife said, “I don't quite understand the science behind human cloning.” I replied, “That makes two of us”

I was caught stealing all of the punctuation keys off the judge’s keyboard. Now I'm expecting a long sentence

My friend Jay had twin girls. He wanted to name them after him. I suggested Kaye and Elle

Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shellfish

This year, I’m walking away from my bank account. I’m getting rid of all the negative things in my life

Be nice to dentists. They have fillings too

I can recite every single digit of pi. Just not in order