Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on: I’d be like, "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light”

What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries

I was gonna tell a a joke about a broken clock... ...but it’s not the right time

Doctor: Alright I have your diagnosis. Patient: Make it quick doc I don’t have all day. Doctor: Omg who told you? Patient: ...

Why did the computer keep freezing? It left its Windows open!

I didn’t realise I’d be so obsessed with a pirate if I ever met one. But as soon as we shook hands I was hooked

My doctor told me I'm going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear

I once ran a marathon in Sweden. I knew I was lost when I crossed the Finnish line

Chicken 1: “Bawk bawk!” Chicken 2: “Bawk bawk!” Chicken 1: “I can’t believe we haven’t come up with a new sound yet.” Chicken 2: “Perhaps we need to think outside the bawks”

Keanu Reeves is not a big fan of April Fools. He much more prefers the May tricks

My kids refused to eat leftover tacos for dinner, so my wife told me to just throw them out. Now I dont know what to do with all the extra tacos

When I was young, I learned how to play piano by ear. But now I use my hands

Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing

To the man who stole my place in line: I’m after you now

I ordered a dozen bees but they gave me thirteen. That one was a freebee

Went to the zoo the other day and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar

I pulled an all-dayer yesterday. It was rough

I'll never forget tastest runner at our school. He was a boy named Andy Zoff

I was walking in the jungle and I saw a lizard on its hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribesman and said, “That lizard’s really funny!” The tribesman replied, “That’s not a lizard…” “He’s a stand-up chameleon”

I invited a kleptomaniac to take part in my stage play last night. He stole the spotlight

I got home late last night and didn’t want to wake anyone up. I stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs

A new Lego store opened up not too far from me. People are lined up for blocks

I like warm weather. But only to a certain degree

Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune investing in apples? Turns out he was in cider trading

Someone called me fat the other day, but I just let it slide. I take pride in being the bigger person

Mashed potato is just Irish guacamole

Know what seems odd to me? Numbers that aren’t divisible by two

When I was a kid, we bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man? Iron Man stops the bad guys, Aluminum Man just foils their plans

What do you call it when the dentist pulls the wrong tooth? An acci-dental procedure

I feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around

“Password is incorrect.” “Password is incorrect.” “Password is incorrect.” *Clicks forgot password.* *Changes password.* “New password can’t be old password”

Eye love puns. The cornea, the better

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar. The bartender nearly chokes on the irony

I’m two weeks into my diet and so far all I’ve lost is 14 days

What do you call a sword that’s not very heavy? A light saber

How long does a jousting match last? Until knight-fall

How does a flower whistle? With its tulips

Last night I paused the movie to get some snacks. Now I’ve lost my job at the theater

I got a text saying that I won my choice of $100 cash or tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute act. It said to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning. I must’ve been sleep wokking again

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not

What’s it called when four Spanish ships sink? Cuatro cinco

I’m so old I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics