Back in the day, excessive use of commas was considered a very serious crime. It usually resulted in a long sentence

An oxymoron walks into an empty bar. The silence was deafening

If you’re trying to learn hieroglyphics, just remember the basic rule: Eye before tree, except after sea

Never wear headphones while vacuuming. I just finished the whole house and realised I forgot to plug it in

Did any Star Wars fans out there know Yoda has a last name? Layheehoo, it is

Never throw false teeth at your vehicle. You might denture car

I asked a group of windmills what type of music they like to listen to. They said, “We’re big metal fans”

Many people say that women shouldn’t have children over 40, and I agree. 40 is way too many kids

What did the urologist say to the student who just got accepted into urology school? Urine

What do you get when drop a piano on an army base? A flat major

You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today for example, it was a dryer sheet

I've been watching my weight. It's still there

My grandma is always saying, “70 is the new 40.” Lovely lady, just lost her driving license

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but who's counting?

It’s been five months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m gonna go in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on

I'd be willing to bet $4568450 that you didn't read that number. You didn't even realise I put a letter in it. No I didn't, but you just went back and looked

Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because Americans are getting taller. Manufacturers claim it's due to climb it change

The police came out to warn me that the frozen pond I was fishing on was rapidly melting. They said I’m not in trouble, but I am walking on thin ice

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons into their luggage is under control. But cases continue to rise

What do you call a woman that sets all her outstanding bills on fire? Bernadette

Yesterday, one of my best friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath

Movie theater: Please silence your phones. Me, who hasn't taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

My wife said I should sign up for my company’s 401k. I said not a chance. I can’t even run a mile

How do you know the moon is going broke? It’s down to its last quarter

Did you hear about the guy with an irrational fear of buffets? He couldn't help himself

Yesterday, someone told me that I look good with a salt-and-pepper beard. I took that as a condiment

My boss said he’s going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me

What do you call a five foot psychic that's escaped from jail? A small medium at large

A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a pair of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts

Why isn't holy water used in vaccines? Because you can't take the lord's name in vein

What did the movie director say before shooting a dangerous stunt scene? It’s a take I’m willing to risk

What do you call a Jedi with anxiety? Panic’in Skywalker

Beyoncé lost her favorite balloon. I told her, “If you liked it then you should have put a string on it”

If alcohol damages your short term memory, just imagine what alcohol can do

My landlord said he needs to talk to me about my high heating bills. I told him my door is always open

My wife said she’s gonna pack up and leave if I make anymore video game puns. I just think that's an odd thing to Fallout 4

Never iron a 4 leaf clover. You should never press your luck

They say that one out of every seven people has a gambling problem. Thinking about my friends, I’d bet $100 I could guess who it is

Did you know people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones? But people in Abu Dhabi do

I purchased Shakespeare's actual chewed pencil at an auction. It's so chewed, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B

My dad always told me, “Don't be too quick to find faults.” Great man, terrible geologist

My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?” I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track”

Someone cut down all the trees by the police station. Authorities were left stumped

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the watercraft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too

Did you hear about the guy that got arrested for stealing hay? He made bale

Web browsers are now heavily restricting how third-party advertisers can track you. I guess that's how the cookies crumble

About 100 years ago, a couple brothers said they could fly. They were Wright

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer

A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if he’d like to see a food menu. The black hole says, “No thanks, I’m a light eater”

What's the worst thing about history class? The teachers tend to Babylon