I was so unpopular at school they used to call me "Batteries". I was never included in anything

I got kicked out of the coffee club… I wore a tea shirt

Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side

A virus is making people forget 80s rock bands Nobody knows The Cure

Where do Pirates buy their hooks at? Second Hand Stores

I've started investing in stocks. Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire

You know that Albert Einstein was a pretty smart guy… But his brother Frank was a monster

Why are there Pop-Tarts but no Mom-tarts? Because of the pastryarchy…

Don't throw false teeth at your vehicle. You might denture car

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock? A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts. I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road

An English man, a Spaniard, a Frenchman, and a German go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him. They said: “Yes. Oui. Si. Ja”

I walked into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the associate, "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?" He said: “Aisle B, back”

I’m never donating to anyone collecting money for the London marathon again. They just took the money and ran

Therapist: What brings you in today? Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis Therapist: How bad is it? Me: It comes in waves

What do you call a 1 legged hippo? A hoppo

My daughter asked me, “Dad, what do bees eat?” Me: Honey, how should I know?

My wife told me to stop making country puns. I said Norway

My Dad texted me this in the morning: "I can't wake up this morning. Feel like a bicycle" "Two tired"

I gave away all of my dead batteries. Free of charge

Cop pulled me over and said: "PAPERS" I yelled "SCISSORS" and drove off

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months

Walking home late last night I passed a hot fudge sundae, a lemon cheesecake and a slice of apple pie. I thought to myself... The streets are strangely desserted tonight

What kind of pictures do turtles take? Shellfies!

What do you call someone else's cheese? Nacho Cheese

I'm not worried about the moon getting too full. It's just a phase

The population of Ireland’s capital city is really growing… In fact, it’s Dublin

On my tombstone please write, “Not appreciating my puns when I was alive was a grave mistake”

I asked my wife what she wanted for her Birthday… "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace” she replied. So I bought her nothing...

The only gift I got for Christmas was a deck of sticky playing cards. I’m having a hard time dealing with this...

I have a horse named Mayo. Mayo neighs

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone… Then it dawned on me

Two chemists go into a restaurant. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4

Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out

I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast

It was so cold yesterday my computer froze… It was my own fault though, I left too many windows open

Can't believe someone broke into my garage and stole the limbo stick. Seriously, how low can you go

I recently took a pole and found out that over 90% of people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

I had a happy childhood. My Dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears...

I tried to start a stationary business. Unfortunately, it just didn't go anywhere

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital? General Anesthesia

What musical instrument can you absolutely not trust? A Lyre

What do you call 66% of a poop? Two turds

I accidentally took my cats meds last night.. Don't ask meow

Every morning I take my cow on a long walk through the local vineyard. I herd it through the grapevine