Talking of ending sentences, I Presume MEGA is followed by the word CUNT on the back?

Media telling us Katy Perry had her first trip into space today, but come on, she must've already been living on a different planet when she married Russell Brand, right?

When you flick the heated seats on & grandad thinks he's pissed himself again....

The phrase "galentines" is up there with holibobs and Friyay. Stop it.

Great response from a supplier when I chased up an overdue delivery yesterday... "Apologies for the delay, we experienced a problem within our dispatch department. The problem was, they forgot to dispatch your order." 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Suppose that's me banned from X then...

Just tried to pay for my pick 'n' mix at Cineworld with a fifty pound note & got told they don't accept them? So I had to give her two twenties & a ten instead.

Meghan Markle's new lifestyle show, where she whips up picture-perfect meals in a pristine kitchen, looks great on screen. But any parent of little ones knows in reality, pots are bubbling over, the smoke alarm is going off, & a toddler is probably wiping a bogie on your leg.

Why the fuck DRY January? Pie January has a much better ring to it.

I enjoyed a lovely New years day walk earlier. I strolled through the living room into the kitchen to retrieve the last tin of Quality St.

Please remember the correct way to pour your Christmas bucks fizz out this morning. At first, you've got to speed it up & then you've got to slow it down.

I hope for your sake fellas, if your lady said she didn't want anything for Christmas, you weren't gullible enough to actually believe that.

You know your usual weekend booze consumption is getting a bit out of hand when the cashier asks if you're "stocking up for Christmas?"

Martin Lewis on my tele for an whole hour, giving out tips on how to win at board games this Christmas. I can tell you that in under 2 seconds, mate. Cheat.

If I replied to your message at 2am when I was 18, I would've been just heading out to a club somewhere, If I reply to your message now that I'm 50 at 2am, it's because my bladder has woken me up & I can't get back to sleep due to chronic heartburn.

🎵Somme-day, Bloody Somme-day🎵 #LeeAnderson

Spent the majority of the morning fretting I was going blind because I suddenly had blurred vision & couldn't see clearly. Only took me 2hrs to realise the problem was I had put my daughter's glasses on instead of my own. I hold down a responsible job, in case you're wondering.

This blasted wind is a nightmare. It's just blown an entire bottle of wine down my throat. Tsk! #StormDarragh

Offices up & down the UK are now 80% coughs, naff Xmas jumpers & open tubs of celebrations with just the bounties left in them...

I wore a kilt today & I'm not even Scottish.

Guy at work just opened a Twix, ate one finger & then wrapped the remaining finger back up 'for tomorrow'... Fucking psychopath.

I had a considered breakfast this morning. I considered eating a healthy bowl of low fat muesli but ended up having a kit-kat.

My dear old grandad always used to say, "Keep 'em guessing about your next move." Fantastic man, terrible driving instructor!

Imagine Gregg Wallace's disappointment when he heard reports he was going to get pulled off, only to realise they meant off air. #Masterchef

Ah, I did wonder where Prince Andrew's PR's person went to work after the Newsnight interview...

Christmas is a great time of year. You can shout 'Don't come in here' and people assume you are wrapping presents when really you're having a wank.

Fondly remembering the time someone at work sent a rushed email starting 'Dear Anus' to our MD. MD was called Angus.

I'm not ashamed to admit I have a favourite hob ring. People who deny that they have are lying.

It's that time of year when you have to open/shut the car door twice. Once when you get in & and a second time to release your coat that's got trapped in the twatting door.

People asking me how I feel about spending 400 quid on Glastonbury Tickets only to find out Rod Stewart is one of the headliners... I don't want to talk about it.

I'm really liking the 'retro' Twitter feel of Bluesky! It's like stepping into a time machine, but instead of dinosaurs, we just have people collectively agreeing that Elon Musk is a complete cunt!

When I heard Michael Ball had released a statement about his disappointment regarding the song he did with Captain Tom, I didn't realise he was talking about the daughter pulling a fast one on the charity, I honestly thought he was just having a moment of self-reflection on how utterly shite it was!

Can you imagine trying to give up smoking only to come home and find your partner has brought these new curtains...

One of the classic symptoms of aging is feeling irrational rage when someone dares to park in front of your house!

Used my Tesco Clubcard to scrape the ice off my windscreen this morning. Managed to get 10% off.

Who wants to be a Millionaire now eh Jeremy Clarkson?

Band Aid bringing out an updated version of "Do they know it's Christmas?" and my mum shouting out "Well they bloody should do, because the pissing adverts started over a month ago!" had me mildly amused this evening.

There are two types of people: Those who load the dishwasher correctly and those who don't. And they marry each other.

Just been told by my mum I'm too old for an Advent Calendar so I told her she's not too young for a nursing home.

I'm so glad I was taught how to play the recorder at school. It has come in really handy in adult life, Lost count of the times I've resolved a difficult situation with a quick blast of three blind mice.

Someone brought Krispy Kreme doughnuts into work and told everyone to help themselves. Someone else at work cut 1 of the KK doughnuts in half, because 'they couldn't manage a whole one.' They walk amongst us.