It’s official. I’ve run out of women on Facebook dating. None of them went out with me. Meta’s AI just gave up looking and took its own life. My plan worked!

Fun Fact That I Swear I Didn’t Write, No, Really, It Happened, Weep for Humanity No. 667: One of the songs they played before Donald Trump’s acceptance speech for renaming the Department of Peace was Guns ‘n Roses cover of “Live and Let Die.”

I can't take watching the news anymore today. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't.

A big part of my childhood was spent in Kenner, La., a suburb outside New Orleans. I’ve never been more ashamed of it as I am right now. I’ll never understand how people can be so cruel to other people they’ve never met or would care to meet. www.nytimes.com/2025/12/03/u...

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is making a board game! Go fund it now on Kickstarter. As soon as I can identify some money in my name, I'm buying it. www.kickstarter.com/projects/cze...

If HBO doesn't market season 4 of "Euphoria" as "Eu4ia," I might have to start actually watching it.

I'm calling it. Seth Meyers has become late night's current Craig Ferguson. He's got probably the last show on TV that still experiments with the medium and tries to the most innovative stuff instead of trying to control it. www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkX_...

I got a brand new office. Wanna see it? The view is amazing. There's an aurora borealius right outside my window.

Happy thanksgiving!

Funniest Reasons I’ve Been Turned Down for a Date No. 773: “I’m so sorry but you look like a doppelgänger for my manager.” For some reason, the fact that they took the time to learn how to type an umlaut made it sting just a little bit more.

Damn. I had the honor of interviewing Udo Kier and it’s one of my all time favorite celebrity conversations. www.dallasobserver.com/arts-culture...

I went to my barber, plopped down in the chair and told her to give me the Gordon Gekko.

I said I wasn’t gonna waste my time. I said I wasn’t gonna post about him. I said I was going to ignore him like the benign butt mole that he is but then, our President posts a death threat online. We’re past “enough.” He needs to go. www.mediaite.com/opinion/impe...

Getting ghosted is no fun, even if it's an actual ghost. Because there are no such thing as ghosts.

Apparently, I’m the Medusa of dating. I’m safe if I keep my distance but the minute someone makes eye contact with me, everything inside them just dies.

Respect is something you earn. It's not a privilege regardless of job title. Why don't more people stand up to Trump when he talks down to other people like this embarrassing moment when he calls a reporter "Piggy"? He can't be that frightening in person unless you're dressed like a cheeseburger.

Why is it so hard these to get people to play games? I’m not talking about in general. I’m talking about getting people to play at a GAME MEETUP. I’m not showing up with a copy of Betrayal at House on the Hill at a Hooters on Boners and Half Off Buffalo Wings night.

Three people I know lost their friggin’ jobs this week. Is it possible for everyone in the world to lose their job? It feels like that’s where we’re headed. Yes, even the MLM scam people.

Look. Let’s make an agreement. From now on, if James Woods or Jon Voight releases some inane, stupid, apocalyptic statement about how low they are willing to stoop for Trump, DON’T SHARE IT. And here to help me drive my point home, it’s Mr. Paul Anka! youtu.be/SlKao_Pox5A?...

Happy Veterans Day from the boys and me

Texas, if you are having trouble finding health insurance next year that won’t cost the equivalent of a monthly loan for a Maserati, call my broker. Theres still ways to get a great deal next year. www.medicareinsurancetexas.com/about.php

To be fair, its not 100 percent confirmed that Trump stole the Resolute Desk that’s been in the White House since Rutherford B. Hayes. This could be a copy. Whether it is or not, this makes me believe that Trump is the kind of cheapskate who steals towels from his own hotels.

Not only does Trump not know how health insurance works, he still thinks taking it away without an alternative plan will make him more endearing in his endless quest for adoration. Can someone just give this dumb sack of air a hug so I can keep my insurance? www.mediaite.com/media/news/t...

Mark my words: Trump is going to pardon Skeletor. Oh sure, his staff will beg and plead with him not to do because he's not a real character. Then again, they probably won't because letting him do whatever he wants is less tiring and won't give him a headache. www.mediaite.com/media/sports...

A lot of people are saying Trump appeared uncaring and callous when a man collapsed right in front of him earlier today. I disagree. Trump isn’t being indifferent. He’s just trying REALLY hard not to go the guy’s wallet while he’s down.

My taxes are a mess right now (don’t even wanna go into it). It’s only being made worse by the man who lost more money than any taxpayer in history. Who could’ve guessed such a human would make taxes suck even more?

I just realized it’s been 10 years since I did one of my most favorite stories. And just I don’t sound like a pig, it’s my one of my favorites because I was a huge sociophobe l. So doing something like this is the emotional equivalent of Jackass’s Cup Test. www.dallasobserver.com/arts-culture...

Came down with a case of the whocaresits today, which is a milder form of the ****its.

I’m thinking of letting my hair grow out a little more to just under or about this length. It’s tough having bipolar hair.

When you know the right answer but there aren’t enough letter in the crossword for some reason

3 thoughts on Donald Trump's Great Gatsby party: 1 - You can't really blame him. He's not a big reader/ 2 - Even if he was, he'd read it backwards to make Gatsby's secret OK not to learn. 3 - Trump is a selfish, thoughtless prig. No joke. It just needs repeating. www.mediaite.com/politics/tru...

My friend and stuntman Danny Louisiana wanted to wish everyone a #Happyhalloween. He wanted to do it himself but, well, you’ll see why.

What did I go as for Halloween at work, you ask? A famous writer who got four hours of sleep, no shower and still owes @ShadowboxLive at least three more sketches. Yeah, yeah, happy Hallowen.

Happy halloween from the boys and me! Be safe out there tonight (unlikes the boys and me).

I'm really pissed at whoever in the White House taught Donald Trump how to spell "nuclear." Now he's gonna be using it like it's the secret word in Pee Wee's Playhouse.

Even more @fortworthweekly awesomeness (kind of): The threats made against by Jimmy Kimmel by the FCC's head mouthpiece aren't just an overreach of people. They are the first step of a disturbing and historic censorship trend. www.fwweekly.com/2025/10/29/w...

More @fortworthweekly awesomeness: The North Texas Ghostbusters @the_north_texas_ghostbusters made their own GameBoy game just in time for Halloween (Kudos to my editor for using my very fanboyish headline that made me go "Squeeeeee!") www.fwweekly.com/2025/10/22/t...

I'm definitely going to use this for Halloween and probably as work ambience for my home office. youtube.com/watch?v=g3YViW3ru7Y&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.wdwmagic.com%2F&source_ve_path=MjM4NTE

Why would someone try to link medical debt that’s at least in the millions to people’s credit reports? No reason, just to be a jerk. That’s basically the motto on the Trump family crest. The only reason its there besides their behavior is Trump can’t really read it. apnews.com/article/medi...

Looks like Trump is treating the White House the same way he treats all of his business ventures: lying profusely about it and inevitably having to tear it down. www.washingtonpost.com/politics/202...

Hey, Bari Weiss! If you don’t like leaks from your home base, don’t work in media. That’s how news gets reported. I can’t believe we have to explain this to the new head of CBS News. www.mediaite.com/media/news/b...

Karoline Leavitt actually responded to a reporter's question by saying (and I QUOTE), "Your momma." Leavitt is just one step away from telling a reporter, "Yo mama so dumb, she called me to ask for my phone number," assuming that someone can explain the bit to her. www.mediaite.com/media/news/y...

Happy tax deadline day! www.mediaite.com/politics/tru...

Trying to file your taxes during a government shutdown is impossible. What should I expect from a guy who found a way to bankrupt a casino, a business with an income model where customers give you money and you give them NOTHING? www.cnbc.com/amp/2025/10/...

Looks like The Onion opportunity may not be dead in the water yet. Just got an email saying the rejection letter was a mistake. It's still a huge long shot but at least there's a 2 percent chanec of getting it now instead of 1 percent.

Aren't you just tired of hearing this guy whine every damn day about stuff that matters to NO ONE but him? It's like we're being led by Charlie Sheen, Terrell Owens and Gene Simmons combined but still someone uglier. www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

Mike Johnson says he has no plan when it comes to the shutdown and denying people affordable health insurance. He should’ve said he doesn’t have a plan “anymore.”

I love playing games but thanks to my unlucky gaming streak, this is pretty much what's going on in my head whenever I play one. (Courtesy of Malcolm Morrison)

Steven Bannon says our current Congress is like the Duma in Russia: ceremonial and just a rubber stamp for the executive. From now on, if someone looks like they replace the milk in their Corn Flakes with whiskey, they shouldn’t be anywhere near the President. www.mediaite.com/media/news/s...