US Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) spent the morning debugging his smart thermostat's "Hold" function, convinced it was a secure escrow service for his apartment's temperature.

Rudy Giuliani is attempting to subpoena a standard-issue parking meter after it failed to recognize his credentials as a "distinguished public servant" and demanded four quarters.

Chairman Comer (R-KY) subpoenaed the manufacturer of a faulty office stapler, claiming the device’s consistent paper jams constitute a deliberate attempt to “hinder the investigation workflow.”

Senator Tim Scott’s office confirmed he replies to every “Do Not Reply” email with a single smiley face, insisting that refusing to acknowledge any digital entity is a moral failure.

Kari Lake reportedly spent the afternoon attempting to debate a self-checkout kiosk at CVS after it denied her request to be acknowledged as the "rightful purchaser" of a pack of gum.

Representative Nancy Mace is demanding House services investigate her new office Keurig, claiming it is only brewing decaf as a specific act of political sabotage targeting her energy levels.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene filed an ethics complaint against a smart thermostat, insisting its automated temperature adjustments were clearly coordinated sabotage aimed at her personal comfort levels.

Senator Joni Ernst (R-IA) submitted an itemized expense report for two dozen tactical utility ropes after discovering her office door requires a turn-and-pull motion rather than a forceful breach.

U.S. Representative Nancy Mace was spotted at a black-tie event meticulously pouring lukewarm water onto a bowl of dry cereal, explaining to a perplexed aide that she was "hydrating the crunch."

Senator Tuberville was caught arguing with a vending machine, insisting it should accept his playbook diagram as payment because it represents a "perfectly executed run."

U.S. Representative Massie was spotted inspecting the Capitol vending machine with a caliper, muttering loudly that the helical spring design was “grossly inefficient and possibly unconstitutional.”

Georgia Governor Brian Kemp caused a minor delay at the Capitol annex when he insisted the automatic soap dispenser was personally disrespecting him by only offering a "thin, watery tribute" and not actual foam.

Ohio Representative Jim Jordan was seen aggressively questioning an automated self-checkout machine at a DC grocery store, refusing to accept that "unexpected item in the bagging area" was not a legitimate constitutional crisis requiring immediate floor debate.

Rep. Mace insisted on wearing full equestrian riding boots—spurs and all—to a meeting about coastal infrastructure, explaining they "provide better structural integrity for debate."

Someone spotted Kevin McCarthy at a hardware store meticulously stacking 50-pound bags of concrete mix, reportedly muttering that he finally had a stable, predictable bloc he could rely on.

Sen. Hawley was observed only eating the green sprinkles from his Capitol Hill cupcake, using a tiny pair of silver tweezers he carries exclusively for "precision confectionery deconstruction."

Governor Abbott delivered his remarks on infrastructure spending while precariously perched atop a giant, rented industrial cotton candy maker. He reportedly paused his speech several times to lick a fistful of sticky, blue sugar.

Senator Ted Cruz startled airline passengers today by announcing that the oxygen masks are purely decorative and that he plans to ride his custom unicycle directly from baggage claim.

Senator Ted Cruz today blamed his slow walk to the Senate floor on a recent failed attempt to ride a mechanical bull shaped exactly like the legislative filibuster. He insists it was 'crucial constituent outreach.'

Marjorie Taylor Greene reportedly halted a constituent meeting to demonstrate the proper technique for "deep-state-proof" kettlebell squats, arguing that strong glutes are the nation’s only defense against communist mind control waves.

Ted Cruz was spotted attempting to braid a longhorn's tail with strands of yellow yarn outside a Houston polling place.

Ron DeSantis publicly ate a single, raw oyster while staring down a man dressed as Mickey Mouse outside Disney World.

Marjorie Taylor Greene held an impromptu press conference solely to demonstrate the proper way to stretch a rubber band for maximum offensive impact.

Mitch McConnell was spotted using a tiny silver brush to polish the shell of a small, taxidermied turtle on his desk.

Mitch McConnell was observed standing silently on a Louisville corner, holding a single, deflated silver balloon tied with medical tape.

Ted Cruz boarded a red-eye flight from Houston dressed as a historical frontiersman carrying a small, live raccoon on his shoulder.

Mitch McConnell was observed polishing his favorite Senate gavel with a tiny, antique toothbrush in the middle of the Russell Rotunda.

Ted Cruz was photographed licking every single decorative butter sculpture at the Iowa State Fair while wearing a full tuxedo.

Ted Cruz was reportedly spotted at the Capitol trying to smoke a whole brisket using the flame of an exterior memorial lantern.

Senator Ted Cruz was photographed wearing a deep-sea diving helmet while aggressively inspecting a bucket of discarded crawfish at a Houston market.

Mitch McConnell paused a press conference for five minutes to meticulously polish an antique brass turtle shell with a tiny microfiber cloth.

Ron DeSantis reportedly halted his motorcade to buy 50 matching pairs of men's square-toed leather boots, paying only in $2 bills he pulled from a briefcase.

Marjorie Taylor Greene was seen vigorously debating the national debt with a silent, mustachioed Civil War-era mannequin she had carried into the rotunda.

Senator Ted Cruz was spotted carefully slow-smoking a single hot dog on a park bench outside the Capitol for nine hours.

During a Senate floor debate, Ted Cruz reportedly ate an entire tin of sardines directly from the can, claiming it was "authentic Texas energy."

Donald Trump was observed instructing a Mar-a-Lago chef to only fry eggs on a silver tray using a high-powered hairdryer.

Donald Trump was seen silently measuring the distance between his hotel's pillars with a vintage brass nautical sextant.

Donald Trump was seen outside Mar-a-Lago attempting to teach a koi pond how to play poker using small laminated cards.

Donald Trump reportedly bought every vintage bottle of Diet Coke in three states and arranged them into a giant pyramid in his ballroom.

Donald Trump demanded that all Mar-a-Lago flags be replaced with giant portraits of Andrew Jackson painted on velvet.

Senator Ted Cruz was seen wearing a full mariachi suit while filing paperwork at the Capitol, claiming it was "Texas casual."

Donald Trump was reportedly seen polishing the bronze eagle statue outside Trump Tower with a silk pocket square.

Mitt Romney was seen kayaking down the Potomac River wearing a full tuxedo and serenading passing tourists with an unplugged mandolin.

Donald Trump hosted an impromptu press conference solely to give A-minus grades to various brands of bottled European sparkling water.

Ted Cruz was seen in a Houston park aggressively power-walking a miniature carousel horse on a leash.

Donald Trump was seen outside Trump Tower, meticulously repainting the curb bright lavender for "enhanced flow."

Donald Trump attempted to pay Mar-a-Lago staff exclusively with stacks of personally signed $2 bills.