I got 99 problems and they're all bitches.

No no, you misheard me. I have a WEEKEND immune system. It just takes a lot of time off.

Oh my god. Just heard a commercial that changed to the words from "oh-oh it's magic" to "oh-oh-ozembic." Somebody actually got paid for that... What circle of hell are we in now?

Out of food for my dogs and almost out of my cats food, if anyone could help with anything it'd really be a lifesaver rn 🙏 I don't have any people food rn either or I'd try to give them some of that #HelpPeopleLive2025 #MutualAid #Disabled #TransCrowdFund #MABoost #FundSky #HelpSky #Cats #Dogs

Sprinkles make me smile. At some point someone really went "Ooh, what if confetti AND food!?"

It should be illegal to force a person to leave the the house when it's cool & cloudy or raining in the morning. Period.

We as a society have forgotten the meaning of the phrase "Breaking News"

Oh shit is it dog day? Here's my puppies. 😋

Some day my spotted prince will come 💕🐋

Omg... My mom just pulled a "you can google that yourself " on me. What stage of millenial aging am i at rn?

Why do i only have these two modes of leaving the house: Frantically crafting a clever excuse why I'm late while brushing my teeth and putting my shoes on at the same time OR sitting by the door with my raincoat on 20 mins before i need to leave??

I'm not a historian but my analysis is it's "Not good" when a government constantly commits crimes and tells the legislature, courts, and general public "What are you gonna do about it"

plot twist: be mad *and* disappointed

What does it say about me that i would totally read some of these?

Fave new airport pastime: listening to yt ppl try to pronounce non-yt ppls names over the intercom.

If life throws a wrench in your plans and slows you down, don't despair. It might be holding you back from getting hit by a train.

Funny, considering how recently everyone was obsessed with sexy alf and his hog, but ok www.timeshighereducation.com/news/xs-domi...

Sad day for nerds. #FreePalestine #BDS 🇵🇸

here’s an old person tip: get fully ready for bed at 8:30 and then you can just plop in any ol’ time

HOT TAKE: Ghosts are not real. If the were, America would be haunted as f- oh wait... oh god.

*AHEM* @thotstream.bsky.social timesofindia.indiatimes.com/science/scie...

Please don't call it erectile dysfunction, i prefer the term "sleepy peepee"

New poster for protests: DEAR COPS: Really. Why are you protecting rich assholes?

What did I talk about in therapy? Stuff about stuff i tend to stuff.

The best part of cooking is spanking the little bottoms of the little spice jars.

Seriously. I've been sick all my life. I deserve some cool ppl privilege already. 💅

Sputnik inspired awe and wonder among children and this inspires uh middle management to look for ways to become upper management

The ads on WordFeud need to chill. 😅 Also who's on #Rednote #Xiaohongshu ?

not now, pacific northwest Big One

am i contending that when faced with a fiscal crisis the white bird clinic leadership team decided they would rather Carve Out The Heart And Soul Of Their Organization than recognizing their employee's right to collective bargaining ? nah Reality Speaks For Itself

Scrooge ass MF needs to be put on the public stocks.

Sure sex is good, but have you ever fully emptied out your storage unit? 🤤

Buttcheekth #miketyson

Again, I'm calling it. They're gonna turn the whole Trump term into a reality TV show.

we're not calling them skeets anymore they're called bluejobs.

I'm calling it right now. They're gonna surprise everyone and turn the next 4 years into a reality show. #Trump

The most disgusting thing on the internet isn't 2 girls 1 cup, it's people trying to capitalize off the grief so many are experiencing at the results of the election. I'm looking at you, Dems.

Why do ppl in movies & tv always swallow pills dry? That is psychopath behavior.

#ADHD life hack: Check your drafts folder periodically to make sure you actually sent that email.

Finito.

That's right, I'm OVERthinking. Over it. Done.

She's a 10, but I just saw her lean over a little to let a fart out on her barstool.

Til' Death Do Us Party

I just popped in to say that I think it's funny that humans are probably the dumbest we have been since the dark ages and this is when we decide to invent AI. Anyway, #FreePalestine 🖕✌️

Has any college or university tried NOT clearing an encampment, but just providing general security around the area, keeping it chill, waiting for the semester to end?

oh but I will

How many doors does a space shuttle have? Asking for a friend.

Dear Google. I will not be reading your updated terms of service. Thank you for the seventeen individual emails anyway.

Fallout, brought to you by Gatorade. The Rad... is it in you?

Absolutely GUTTED it's not going to be continued.