When you land in San Francisco, you have to wade through piles and piles of rotting human hearts that have been left behind, it’s really quite disgusting actually

I put the ‘fish’ in ‘Artificial Intelligence’

One thing that gives me hope is mankind’s unceasing ability to discover sick new guitar riffs

Pixar’s ‘Up’ is like: *clasps hands* ok, so what were gonna do is start out by making you sob uncontrollably, then then a little later we’re gonna have you sob again, then towards the end we’ll have you sob like you’ve never sobbed before, and then, just as a treat, one more little sob, sound good?

Gen-Z making fun of Millennials really do got us there with “Totes Magoats”, what were we thinking

My Crunchwrap is more Supreme than this court

A Judge should be forced to let you off if what you're being accused of could credibly be described as 'hijinx'

If the Beatles wrote ‘A Day in the Life’ today it would be like John: I played with phone in bed, oh boy Paul: Woke up, phone in bed Played a bit with my phone in bed

Ash to ash Phone in bed to phone in bed

Jobs are like: we will pay you to stop playing with your phone in bed

It looks like a Cybertruck

Why is he called ‘Iron Man’ and not ‘Fe Male’

Asking AI to summarize the alphabet and give me the key takeaways and action items

We cannot claim to have achieved AGI until the LLM breaks down bawling merely thinking about the first 8 1/2 minutes of Pixar‘s ‘Up’

Kids names these days be like Hunter, Archer, Harper, Builder, Lawyer, Diaper, Humidifier

Posting is fun, if you do really good hundreds of strangers will tell you that “You Won the Internet Today Good Sir!” and if you do really bad you lose your job

Angry at Pixar for figuring out the exact formula that keeps grown-ass adults on the cusp of tears for 90+ minutes straight

‘Football’ is a silly name for it considering their feet never touch the ball; they should call it ‘Shoeball’

Big day for guys named Nick

“Astrology is not real” bro you believe in the STOCK MARKET, imaginary numbers that move up and down based on men’s FEELINGS

Kids today would never believe the level of scandals that were concocted to generate news about a man as boring as Obama

What if we rebranded therapy as MAN TALK

Wait, so KFC was tired of people saying his tie looked like a little body, so their solution was to PLACE HIM ATOP STONEHENGE??

The Spurs can still win if Mike Pence has the courage

My mayor Muslim My bagel Jewish Knicks won in five May it happen tonight live

Times are tough, might have to downgrade from LGBTQIA+ to LGBTQIA with ads

Good lord, if the Knicks actually win on a humid 89° Saturday night the population of NYC is going to double in 9 months with kids named Knickola and Knicholas

‘AIslop’s Fables’ is this anything

Claude Opus is good, but the real size queens are waiting for Claude Magnum Opus

I’ve seen enough. Claude Fable is AGI.

Me at 8:59am: alright I think I can knock out my entire to-do list if I just hunker down and focus!! Me at 9:01am: welp, there’s always tomorrow

My mayor is Muslim My bagel is Jewish Pratt’s out the door Knicks in four

The most dangerous people in the world are the “smart ones” who have taken enough drugs to realize that the universe is just a math puzzle, but not enough to understand that really it’s a love puzzle

Thrilled that Spencer Pratt has lost the opportunity to do long-term damage as LA mayor, sighing in that he gained the opportunity to be long-term annoying on Fox News

I need a ballroom with a private bunker for safety, but also I’m hosting an ostentatious outdoor fighting event and crashing a basketball game in a city where literally everyone hates me

Escape Samsara, the Buddhist cycle of birth and rebirth? NO THANKS! Reincarnate me right here, just *WAY* better looking

You don't just come into this earth posting. You have to have lived, loved, lost, loved again—only then can you truly post.

That Mamdani has run two marathons and has largely kept it to himself means we can absolutely trust him with the nuclear codes

Call me woke but Death Cabs should be available to all, not just those society has deemed a ‘Cutie’

Never be the main character on this app. Don’t even be a supporting character. Probably not even in makeup. Or costumes. Catering might be safe. Best to remain in the audience. Hoot and holler from your comfy seats. Just not too loud or the camera might get you too.

The beautiful dance when you start messaging someone new and you both use perfect diction and punctuation until someone lets it finally slip that they are cool actually and you can both relax and text like normal people

I know many people well-adjusted, great families, stable careers, have their finances and mental health in order—and not one of them send me the good IG reels

Pronouncing ‘Kansas’ like ‘Arkansas’

Shout out to the Google Translate PM that just slapped some ✨ on an 18-year old feature and called it a day

If Bluesky would let me put my posts behind a paywall, I’d beat Elon to $1T

You cannot be racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, ablest, or misogynist, but you can *always* make fun of the French

There’s 40g of protein in shutting the fuck up

BREAKING: Google announces new agentic workflows allowing you to build agentic AI agents to build AI workflows that use enterprise AI with Gemini Enterprise Agent Platform to elevate efficiency with the power of AI to unlock AI agents and integrations across Google AI Workspace powered by Gemini AI

I think it may be about time to start talking less about “late-stage capitalism” and more about “end-stage capitalism”

Y’all gotta be more considerate of people’s preferred ways to gamble, tired of the slot shaming