“Michelangelo’s David” is apparently an unrealistic fitness goal, according to my trainer

Tired: Jesus returning to the sound of trumpets Wired: Jesus returning to the sound of ‘Dopesmoker’

Using my Time Machine to go back and slap the Tylenol out of Mama Musk’s hands

Fuck Alvin, Marry Simon, Kill Theodore

Rapture? Barely know ‘er!

Without a doubt the worst targeted ad I have ever received

Jesus returning to the sound of trumpets? No thanks, I will not be kneeling to the frontman of any ska band

There’s a lot to like about Apple Music, but it’s still not smart enough to understand when I put on the new 2025 Nine Inch Nails ‘Tron’ soundtrack, it’s because I’m in the mood for modern ambient electronica, not 90s industrial nu-metal; its like their auto-play engine consists of exactly one tag

If they're going to try and retcon Charlie Kirk, then we should try to retcon him too.

Giving my laptop to my son: the MacBook Heir

The Rapture this The Rapture that, maybe y’all should get enraptured in a book (not that one a different one)

People look back on the 90s fondly, but that’s because they’ve forgotten the stretch when we were all forced to listen to Céline Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’ every single day for three years straight

Not even rose-colored glasses will allow me to look back on this period in America with rose-colored glasses

Somebody scratched out “the genocide in Gaza,” so now it just says “What are you doing to stop Jesus,” to which the answer is still: “the genocide in Gaza”

I think all of our quarterly KPI’s need to come down a notch if we’re forced to fight fascism as a side hustle

BREAKING: The Hamburgler is suing McDonalds for eleventy gajillion McNuggets

We could be spending our days posting about lunch, puppies, “what’s the deal with corn nuts,” etc. etc., but no they had to do a fascism

Dua Lipa? In this economy? I’ll just take a Single Lipa, thanks

I feel like there’s a non-zero chance whatever it is Jony Ive is supposed to be designing for OpenAI gets stuck in prototyping hell and never actually ships

The best predictor of whether a podcast will be successful isn’t the quality of the content, but whether at least one of the hosts has an identifiably funny voice

The pharmacy said I had to have "a preexisting condition" to get a covid booster. Fortunately 'sedentary lifestyle' is on the list of qualifying preexisting conditions so I told the pharmacist "well I am extremely lazy, should probably go to the gym more" and that worked

Alright team, last week’s memes delivered impressive pipegen for an ad hoc effort. But to hit our goals for this fiscal, we’ll need to stretch even further and double down on the Epstein Files this week. Let’s keep the momentum and make this one count LFG!

Why isn’t every local news broadcast opening with, “What are the ‘Groypers’, and how do you know the signs of your son is part of the deadly gang?”

Using your husband’s corpse to gain internet clout and build your personal brand is a new depth of depravity I didn’t think was possible in the mainstream discourse. I am stunned.

Being on the right side of history is great for your skin, gives you a little glow

BREAKING: MAGA’s ability to spin this one

We’re going to see heartfelt apologies and retractions from all of these folks, right?

Words guitarists use to describe tone: - buttery - juicy - creamy - crunchy - chewy - thick - tasty Guitarists don’t even want to play guitar, they’re just hungry and want lunch

You don’t need a new iPhone. You just need to wipe your camera lens.

What we call 'Jumping Jacks', Australians call 'Star Jumps,’ and that's just objectively better

I’m like a dumb person’s idea of a dumb person

Has anyone on the right ever met a trans person? The only “transgender ideology” I’ve ever heard from my trans friends is “please just let us live our lives”

These seem like wildly irresponsible tweets when there is no suspect or motive, one would think??

Oh no, I already broke the first rule of 9/11 club this morning 😭

If you’re not in the secondary group chat specifically created to make fun of the most insufferable person in the first group chat, I got some bad news for ya

Anyone being invited to contribute to their own friend’s 50th birthday books this year have a chance to do the funniest thing ever

Apple’s last few years have made it increasingly difficult to remember why people make/made this company their entire personality

Me: Climate change is real, Vaccines save lives, Trump is in the Epstein Files; screw your conspiracy theories, follow the facts. Also me: Arianna Grande's overtly gasping reaction to YUNGBLUD was 100% an industry psyop, wake up sheeple

Does Yungblud have any songs of his own, or is he just a handsome goth theater kid who insists on doing Ozzy karaoke at house parties and won’t take no for an answer

Blind might be the most unapologetically racist social media platform I’ve ever seen, outside of the nChans, etc. It’s actually an unbelievable experience gazing upon the unfiltered id of the tech industry.

Zelda fans see this blood moon rising and realize their inbox tomorrow is gonna be NASTY

Think I have a really good shot of winning the Powerball, since one of my talents is coming up with random bullshit

Pretty sure there’s a joke someone could make where the punchline is “LinkedIn Park,” but I’m too tired to think of it, so tired, tired of it all

Paul Rudd finally looking his age is a *MAJOR* recession indicator

Ran out of provisions on my journey from the 1 to the L, fearing I may die of dysentery

Remember Cybertrucks? Lol

It’s very simple: the world is run by disgusting men strategically concealing each other’s secrets

This was a banger on Threads. Lower standards over there possibly?

Well, looks like it’s finally Fall so I guess I’ll turn off ‘Smooth’ by Santana feat. Rob Thomas from playing on infinite loop FINE

A healthy but gently shifting balance of curiosity, skepticism, perspicacity and whimsy, that’s the cocktail of the people I like most