now when you're like 'i can't believe they went all in on the nazi rapist candidate' it is a multi question process to clarify who's being talked about

if a four minute cab drive to your house costs eight pounds and it's my only option to get there because sidewalks don't exist...... I think it's fair to say that you don't 'basically live in london'

it's too hot to do anything but watch detectives on youtube solve lego crimes and try all of iceland's weird new ice creams

big thunderstorms fill me with childlike wonder in a very 'that's the thing from the science books!' way. like when you see a cow in real life and your first thought is omg you're the guy from the toys

I'm watching the videos of ppl hanging off scaffolding and scaling buildings and helping old ladies climb on top of sanitation trucks just to see a glimpse of the knicks and I am crying my whole entire ass off

I am going to explode immediately

this is a warning

my family's got my 4yo niece running around chanting knicks in five

I love sports again Jesus christ

ok well knicks in five

I hate sport and want to die

I hate myself for it but when the ghostbusters theme started playing at the end of the most recent reboot movie I started crying

the intern sent to kinkos to print out 'our pool is bigger than skyscrapers': yeah it's uh... funny story actually... it's for the pr- it's for the pres- see, because it's so long and people don't- and if it were a building- you know- it- uh- it- which is so impressive- it's so- it's- big right? it-

my dad used to take me with him to radio4 recordings when I was 12/13 and the age limit was technically 14 and tbh I think that is some of the loveliest low stakes father daughter bonding on earth

if I think too hard about giles I'm gonna lose it

rest in peace to THE gently benevolent. the king of all maniacal laughs.

sports is very funny

it sucks that a guy with a nazi tattoo was allowed to run as a democrat on the basis of a flimsy excuse, but it sucks even more that the party looked at him and was like..... this is the Apex Democrat

the schedule email function is the only reason I have even a shred of respectability in this god forsaken world

actively not jinxing it for the knicks by averting my eyes and pointedly feeling no emotions in any direction whatsoever

I found 'i'm a beautiful butterfly' bug's life pajamas, and they were half price. if that isn't nice, I don't know what is

I am on a bus and the ac is working. the stores I went to today all had the things I was looking for. I fit into a jumpsuit and it didn't make me look like I was trying to smuggle drugs through security by taping it to my torso. can you believe it

kosher kingdom :((((((

fuck everyone except this one cookbook that my mother used to be able to recite from memory

the distance between bus stops is not consistent by any traditional measurements, but I think you'll find they are all one da funk by daft punk apart

also I guess I should have expected this but I was talking to my dad abt the jinx and he was like 'i met him briefly - he was a real asshole'

no matter how far away i am from a train station, it will take me exactly one pyramids by frank ocean to walk there

we cannot allow snorkeling a war memorial to pass. please. VIP snorkel. he said what is the silliest way I can peep on the underwater graveyard? how can I pay my respects if I'm not wearing a wet suit and flippers?

kash patel's holiday itinerary: goat yoga in arlington, climbing the washington monument like spiderman, sitting on the lincoln memorial's lap and asking him for presents like he's santa

there isn't a single harbor on earth in which I would like to swim and still pearl harbor is the least desirable

which late night show will be the first to make the 'snorkeling in the reflective pools' joke

five years later and this ad on the back of an in-flight magazine is twice as ominous

Snorkeling at Pearl Harbor is such a good title for a mediocre comedian's autobiography

more than fifteen years later and I'm still wandering the house saying to myself 'I'M at the pizza hut, I'M at the taco bell'

curse your free tote. I have more tote bags than you could ever possibly imagine. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

over the past couple hours I had two brownies two mini victoria sponges and some chocolate mousse so I think I shouldn't be allowed to take leftovers from parties anymore

woke up after a twenty hour exhaustion nap and felt such a strange wave of sleepy panic that i ordered thirty disposable face masks online and made plans to have my hair cut this week just in case there's another pandemic

truthfully council elections shouldn't even be party politics. it should be local weirdos who are running on restoring the train station to what it looked like sixty years ago so it matches the n gauge model in his attic

I am now one of those people watching the news and muttering to myself 'he's gotta go' whenever the prime minister shows up. we all become our mothers eventually.

if you could feasibly wear your outfit to any other event on earth, then you are not dressed up enough for the met gala

fashion's biggest night. ugly skirt or incongruous train. baby's first gender quandary.

a famous man will get an assistant to close their eyes and attach a train to the back of his clothes like pin the tail on the donkey. and then he will show up to the met gala. proud of himself.

'This is how one pictures the angel of history. His face is turned toward the past [...] one single catastrophe which keeps piling wreckage in front of his feet [...] a storm is blowing in from Paradise; it [...] propels him into the future. This storm is what we call progress.' Walter Benjamin.

somehow it is simultaneously scrappy and polished and I'm rooting for those crazy kids

snl uk IS good and i WILL be defending it. 'he's-a not a dog, he's a dinosAur' and 'zelda does-a the pilates' immediately running circles in my brain

dissociating in my waterproof boonie hat hbu

the creativity with which our species has approached cheese is one of those things i hope the aliens are impressed by when they find the smoldering rubble of our civilization

the washington 'hinckley' hilton, dc's hottest hotel for naughty presidents and their failed assassins, just looking to make the 24hr news cycle

can't sleep because of the food in my stomach, can't stop eating before bed because of the stomach in my brain, can't stop my brain doing whatever it wants because of my mental illnesses which are too complex and mysterious to be medicated effectively. hbu?