I think the show Shark Tank would be a lot scarier if we didn’t see the sharks until the end. #ZoomZoomKapow

A broken military clock is right four times a day. #ZoomZoomKapow

“That’s the impression that I get…” said The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, finally enjoying the Frank Caliendo show. #ZoomZoomKapow #NicheAF

I have a one trick pony. Which is unfortunate: the magic show’s tomorrow. #ZoomZoomKapow

I don’t know exactly how many things fly through Metropolis, but it should probably take more than three guesses before settling on Superman. #ZoomZoomKapow

The movie Jaws made people scared of sharks. It made me scared of orchestras. #ZoomZoomKapow

I don’t know what it’s like to play god. But I bet a similar feeling is announcing a pop quiz. #ZoomZoomKapow

“You may find yourself…!” said David Byrne, as he threw the Where’s Waldo book in frustration. #ZoomZoomKapow

The lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of sheep. He’s too busy being, like, Jesus, or some shit. #ZoomZoomKapow #IAmWellRead

“They aren’t Goo Goo Dolls: They’re Goo Goo Action Figures!”, said an insecure dude in the 90’s probably #ZoomZoomKapow

Mr. Monopoly’s garage has got to be abstract as fuck. Cause he had to have room for a race car, a battleship, and a thimble. #ZoomZoomKapow

I hate to get political, but I think mimes are clowns that didn’t sell out. I bet they probably look at clowns thinking “fucking prop acts…” #ZoomZoomKapow

One Christmas, I got coal in my stocking. I should have seen it coming, because the Christmas before, I got a canary in my stocking. #ZoomZoomKapow

“Well, that’s just flagrant false advertising!”, said Dr. Schrödinger, as he angrily left In N Out Burger. #ZoomZoomKapow

If space is a vacuum, sending dogs up there was kind of fucked up. #ZoomZoomKapow #TheyHateThose But you know what they say: one small step for man, is, like, seven for the dog. #ZoomZoomKaTag

(Don Pardo voice) And now, Weekend Update, with Norm Macdonald:

I went to a jewelry store, it was full of coal. I’m like “that dude is playing the long game.” #ZoomZoomKapow

My friend is a musical conspiracy theorist. He thinks REM didn’t really record “Man On The Moon.” #ZoomZoomKapow

I knew a guy who was struck by lightning. He survived, but now the questions he asks me keep getting harder. #ZoomZoomKapow #DollarValuesAreDoubled

We won’t be right back, in 3 panels:

President So and So has gone too far this time. He’s sending the National Guard to Whoville. #ZoomZoomKapow #LottaCrimeThere

“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.”, said Oscar Wilde, inadvertently inventing Party City. #ZoomZoomKapow #HalloweenIsComing

Just because I’m autistic doesn’t mean I’m not imaginative. Why, I remember when I was about 7, I made a tv series just from looking at a snow globe. #ZoomZoomKapow

I can’t tell if my therapist is using reverse psychology, or just really good at sarcasm. #ZoomZoomKapow

Vampires have no reflection, which explains why we’ve never seen Dracula journaling. #ZoomZoomKapow

I had an idea for a penny farthing unicycle. Then I realized that that’s just a giant unicycle. #ZoomZoomKapow #BeatenToIt

“I’m not a doctor, although I play one on tv” -a funny tv repairer, probably #ZoomZoomKapow

I can’t tie my shoes anymore. From now on, either they win or I do. #ZoomZoomKapow

249 years ago today, the founding fathers declared their independence from England and started a new country. I declared independence from England, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. #ZoomZoomKapow #SameThing

There are only three things that are certainties in this life: death, taxes, and what side pirates pick for tic tac toe. #ZoomZoomKapow #AndHollywoodSquares

Getting a new mic started, in two panels:

I wanna put silver bullets in a golden gun. That way, I can kill a werewolf AND a James Bond villain. #ZoomZoomKapow

I won’t belong to any club that would have me as a member. Just another reason why I won’t eat sandwiches with toothpicks in them. #ZoomZoomKapow

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. Every time a Ring doorbell rings, an angel gets its propeller hat. #ZoomZoomKapow

I bet the first time a gangster in the 40’s ended a sentence with the word “see?”, people lost their FUCKING shit. #ZoomZoomKapow

I like a solar eclipse. Sundials needed a snooze button. #ZoomZoomKapow

The Sixth Sense wouldn’t have worked as a Shakespeare play, because they see dead people all the fucking time. #ZoomZoomKapow It’s like “Oh, thou seeth the dead? Be we in Copenhagen, for mine eyes must behold the PRINCE OF DENMARK?!” #ZoomZoomKaTag #SarcasmTookLongerThen

I go to great lengths to avoid conflict. A kid declared a thumb war. I draft dodged. #ZoomZoomKapow My thumb made it to Canada. For some reason, it got a ride almost immediately. #ZoomZoomKaTag

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a noise? Yes. But ironically, it’s the sound of one hand clapping. #ZoomZoomKapow #MindBlown

Victims of AI seldom talked about: people like me, who were already computer generated images. #ZoomZoomKapow #MakingUsLookBad

I bet pirates have a love/hate relationship with algebra. Because while, true, they’re still solving for X, they are furious with the lack of gold doubloons for doing so. #ZoomZoomKapow

I hate guns, but once i thought about buying Chekhov’s Gun. Eventually I pulled the trigger. #ZoomZoomKapow I like that joke because you hear it, forget it, then remember it during the third act. #ZoomZoomKaTag

At my high school, I did the assignment where you take care of an egg like it’s a baby. They hatched. When they had eggs of their own, I just thought “Wow: My kid goes to my high school.” #ZoomZoomKapow #CatsInTheCradle

(Don Pardo voice) and now, Weekend Update, with Norm Macdonald…

Easter is on Sunday. I went on an Easter egg hunt recently: I watched the same dvd over and over. #ZoomZoomKapow

One of the lesser known downsides to being dead: you’re eternally doing the trust fall. #ZoomZoomKapow

As a kid, I wanted to be in a Looney Tunes cartoon. I took a trip to Albuquerque just to make a wrong turn. #ZoomZoomKapow My favorite one was always Marvin The Martian. I related to him: I too verbalize my anger because no one can tell from my tone of voice. #ZoomZoomKaTag #IAlsoVaporizeShit

Every office has a “funny person.”And, at the History Channel, it’s whoever’s yelling “SPOILER ALERT!!!” during every show. #ZoomZoomKapow

I love rhetorical questions. Once I had the idea for rhetorical answers: you say something, and not expect a response. I gave up on that though when I realized that’s just a sentence. #ZoomZoomKapow #ItsBeenDone

My nickname in school was “The Smart One.” Partly because I had the best grades, but mostly because I’m Wi-Fi compatible. #ZoomZoomKapow