Bananas after a 5 minute walk home from the shops

Just put down a deposit for a bottle of olive oil

Leave him on a porch in broad daylight

‼️‼️ Some personal news‼️ ‼️ A WeTransfer link I sent is about to expire

Roses are red, violets are blue, I really thought I’d learn more on this horticulture course

Why is everyone so annoying

Look at this lil puddin

Slept funny and now I can’t move my neck fully on one side. Don’t think 2025 is gonna be for me actually roll on 2026

“2025 is gonna be my year!” Don’t be so selfish, you can’t just claim a whole year

Christmas isn’t over until I say it’s over

I am stressfully relaxing

Three wise men? I highly doubt that

I’m having visceral cravings for sticky toffee pudding. With a blob of vanilla ice cream on top. Proper vanilla, must have black specks in. If someone could drop me off a bowl that would be great.

I’m NOT feeling very CHRISTMASSY this is an EMERGENCY

Comfy?

Get the London look* 💋 *misery

Podcasts will be in the middle of the morose and sobering subject matter, and then cut to an ad break that’s like AT KFC WE MOTHERCLUCKIN LLLUUURRRVEE CHICKEN!

“Get well soon!” I’m fucking TRYING quit pressuring me

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s got distracted, he’s looking at vintage Boucle armchairs on Facebook Marketplace

I can confidently say that this year has been completely and utterly shit

I love scrolling Instagram and seeing that one of my friends has liked the same unhinged video as me

‘Tis the season to get fucked off with these pricks again

Them: What are you thinking about? Me: How terrible that movie with Lindsay Lohan and James Franco looks in ‘The Holiday’

I think we can all agree that this was the best thing that happened in 2024

Been on heavy pencil for a commercial for three years now. Fingers crossed 🤞

I’d rather go to a toilet factory than go to Winter Wonderland

Spotify wrapped when you’ve got insomnia is like “you listened to 12 HOURS CONTINUOUS WHITE NOISE” 365 times this year which puts you in the top 0.000001% of listeners!

For Christmas this year I want everyone to fuck off

Bye bye Greg

Me accepting my award for the powerful performance I delivered in “The Argument I Made Up In My Head Last Night”

In hell every time you put a wash on there’s a crumpled up tissue in a pocket that covers every item of clothing in tissue snow

Reading the news

Little Avril

Remember the song ‘Mad World’ by Gary Jules? That was a fucking depressing Christmas no.1 wasn’t it

Is it too early for Christmas music? Really wanna crack on carols from Kings

Reading the news is like being repeatedly punched in the face

If I went on Masterchef I would hiss at Greg Wallace anytime he came near my table

I’d say I spend 90% of my days muttering “fucks sake” under my breath

Those aging face filters that supposedly show what you’ll look like at 80. WHY? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SEE THAT? Fuck me I’m stressed enough as it is

Nothing like a long doom scroll on a Sunday night, really sets me up for the week ahead

🦉

Never met anymore more passive agressive sounding than the Co Op self checkout machine

I love it when parks in London put up little “spot the wildlife” posters. Like come on, there’s no kingfishers here, just be honest and put a picture of a rat.

My cat looking through my camera roll

Introduce yourself with some jobs you have done apart from what you do now: 1. Food sampler (stood in Holland & Barrett with a tray of juice shots) 2. Bartender 4. Barista 5. Chef (ok I defrosted pizza bases in a cinema and made guac) 6. Flower presser

Turning over in bed so I can flip my thoughts and review them from a different angle

Can’t wait to post all my old tweets on here

Finally left Twitter