normal mother silk was such a fucking joke. is the game doing this on purpose to prompt me to do the secret ending? otherwise, wow.

it's the end of my vent era for a while. being with the "bffs"-- if you will, && finally being anywhere else than more room makes me more stable for sure.

damn, mount fay was way easier than people said it would be. i'm having fun but it feels underwhelming, i thought it would've been the kind of zones you get stuck in for a while. also, [[finally]]. double jump.

i've been clean for a year now, so congrats to myself. but i still want to cut myself each time i feel like shit or something even remotely inconvenient happens. the craving never truly goes away, i fear.

i'm going to see my best friend tomorrow, everything is going to be alright. i'm going to see my best friend tomorrow, everything is going to be alright. i'm going to see my best friend tomorrow, everything is going to be alright.

if only there was a off button.

i feel like a broken record. my life has been a stagnating mess. that's why it's easier to vent to people who don't know me. there's only so much i can tell to a friend before they heard everything i had to say. for us, it's just the usual. but i still need to vomit these thoughts somewhere.

5 hours of sleep. great, because that's really what i want to do right now; y'know, being awake for as long as possible to feel like shit. way better than most of my nights anyway.

it was yet another mind-numbingly-useless day. i'm going to be at friends' place for a week really soon. but i struggle to feel excited at all. it's going to be the same as always. because i live in a fucking loop.

it's my birthday soon, && i can already picture myself ignoring the souless messages i'll receive. i hate reaching out to people when it's their birthday, because it feels weird && forced. i'm probably projecting, but that's why when people wish me a 'happy birthday' it just feels hollow.

i am currently listening to my own music, again. because that's what i always end up doing when i have no idea of what to do whatsoever. it is the most consistent way i know to "give myself some credit" while still thinking it's not good enough after all.

i just feel uneasy all the time. i don't want to do anything. i don't even want to kill myself. it's too much effort, && it might get me hospitalized again. i wish i could stay asleep but insomnia makes bedrotting like i used to impossible.

ah. there was mold on my bread.

i understand the unforgiving sides of silksong is not for everyone, but i'm having a lot of fun! it just makes me feel like i'm a protagonist. i love learning patterns, seeing something that looks convoluted until you finally see its flaws && exploit them. just so rewarding.

i have to wait for the friends also working on the project, but i'm so giddy for people to listen to my last songs. hhhhh.

i remember drinking water before falling asleep, but it seems like it wasn't enough water. it's hydratation time now.

i love analyzing my dreams. but i feel like too many people (at least online) go about it the wrong way. your brain is yours. it's not some kind of literate genius with multiple references. analyzing stuff your own way/based off the stuff you are actually into makes it more pertinent.

i'm always so scared of being too much. i have the bad habit of hoping people will actually fully understand what i'm saying even though we don't know each other that much, && i tend to be pretty cryptic. even without language barrier.

fuck it. i'm getting drunk. i just don't care. at least for today. i'll regret stuff tomorrow. i just can't stay sober right now.

i miss my cat too much. once i get an apartment, i know i'll get a cat. i might project figaro into this little creature for a while, but eventually we'll make new memories together... at least that's one of the fantasies that keeps me alive.

for some reason, brushing my teeth with a traditional tooth brush gives me gag reflexes now. sometimes i even puke while brushing my teeth. so i went back to an electrical toothbrush, even though i know it is actually less effective. my solution ; brushing my teeth 10 minutes.

being sober isn't as rewarding as i thought it would be. this only things that improved are my physical abilities, concentration skills (sometimes) && conversation skills. that might sound like a lot, but i swear the rest is killing me so hard it doesn't make me feel much better.

i always struggle to refer to myself with she/her or it/its. she/her because i feel like even some of my friends struggle to view me in a "feminine" way. it/its just because i know most people think it's stupid but don't say it.

i'm a stubborn idiot, forcing itself to do stuff way too early. i've been doing this for half an hour. i spent more time failing the shortcut than actually dying to this fight.

my desktop is dead. && my projects' vsts are too much for my laptop, so the progression is the song sampling itself + simple chords/arps for now.

i had fun with the colors, && the grain filter makes it palatable enough. let's pretend it's finished.

i had fun with the colors, && the grain filter makes it palatable enough. let's pretend it's finished.

i'm getting too lazy, i don't know if i'll finish this

i will achieve one (1) month of sobriety in five (5) days. my tolerance must be non-existent by now, so hopefully the next time i smoke it won't be too strong, && I'll be able to make it occasional. I'm not delusional-- smoking isn't going out of my life. i enjoy it when it's not intrusive.

if i actually felt like drawing, i would draw monitoring-miku right now.

impostor syndrome hitting hard today.

depression has been kicking my ass for far too long. i feel exhausted all the time. i'm seriously starting to doubt the few plans i managed to make. i just don't know what to look forward to anymore.

i was doodling/painting randomly. i'm taking a break [probably means this won't be touched again].

knight doodle i forgot to post.

among the multiple ways i can draw kris, i think the red one is my favorite. if i ever decide to care about consistency, i'll use it as a reference.

my msp doodle page.

i need to draw the hand sanitizer they more.

some try to be understanding, screaming, "we must protect the weak!" until it becomes too much. too fragile. too weak, dare i say. whatever helps their narrative. may they never become the weak.

people have made the joke && lazy mashups before. but i couldn't find any cover/arrangements of "zombie on your lawn" && "don't forget". there's actually something to be done here. i swear to god i can't allow myself to be lazy && neglect this idea.

my desktop is dead. && my projects' vsts are too much for my laptop, so the progression is the song sampling itself + simple chords/arps for now.

why is it so hard to find a good looking picture of someone using cleaning supplies? i can't find a reference that isn't a stock image with uninteresting framing, stiff poses, boring colors, etc. i'll try to look at movies frames, maybe? if you guys ever find anything cool, please hit me up.

knight doodle i forgot to post.

i was doodling/painting randomly. i'm taking a break [probably means this won't be touched again].