doodles.

the lines in the bottom right corner were actually hornet.

youtu.be/BXGxsg0fnUc yay.

like most people who go cold turkey, i'm back to being high on a daily basis. my ability to socialize will be compromised until i take a break or build a tolerance. again. that's been life for the past few years. it's great. being stuck in a loop is so thrilling. i am extra thrilled today.

doodles

youtu.be/IV4lBnTyfyU i took a long break, so getting back to it was rough. but i feel like i finally have it in me to win this stupid fight.

I haven't posted anything too depressing for at least a week or so. why now.

i feel like the run finally started.

i don't have the energy for anyone but myself. i will probably lose everything because of it.

hearing the metal pipe sfx in texhnolyze for the second time is making me lose my shit

i hope you enjoyed the songs! 🚬

hhhhhh. i don't draw that much anymore. i'm too focused on making music or rotting.

[silksong spoilers] youtu.be/6pYzQdyuu8I

two days left. i can't wait to see you, even if it's only a few of you, in the chat. releasing these tracks feels like a weight has been taken off my shoulders, really. almost as if those were burdens i didn't have to carry on my own anymore.

[silksong spoilers] so, this isn't the farthest i've gotten, but i can tell I'm getting much better at this challenge. i'm making fewer dumb mistakes, i have better reflexes for getting out of bad situations, && i'm focused enough to keep them relatively at the same phases. youtu.be/8Mp4Pq-bqxQ

releasing two songs in one week. - Tout est en Ordre. - HEADACHE

bangs are just so fucking annoying with glasses. if i trusted myself enough, i would probably get contact lens.

i had a psychotic episode recently. it's not the first time ever, but it's been a while. might have to do with going cold turkey.

dizzy self-portrait.

[silksong spoilers] the footage turned out laggy, and the audio is messed up, too. next time, i'll use obs instead of the steam recording feature. clearly, my laptop can't handle it. but anyway, i'm getting the hang of it and even allow myself to tank damage to attack them now.

Not daily Yume Nikki / Madotsuki (#30) Dream world drip I would want a batsu clip irl and other ones too #yumenikki #ゆめにっき #madotsuki #art

each time i see cool lolita clothes on vinted, someone buys them before me. this isn't unfair. i want to be gender && elegant.

[silksong spoilers] alright, i'm ever-so-slightly getting used to the double pattern thingy. but it's really hard to keep track of their teleportations, subtle animations cues while also having to decide on how to act on it next. i really have to stop pogo once they can do aerial attacks.

[silksong spoilers] ok, i'm FINALLY getting started && it's rough. i suck. also the barbed bracelet is only there to force myself to be more focused && get used to their double patterns before doing it normally... unless i feel confident enough at some point. but let's be real (no).

i'm 'impressed' by how physical anxiety && depression actually are. i feel heavy, exhausted && want to expel vomit all the time. i also feel like invisible hands are pushing against my chest && gripping my throat, if that makes sense. i even had a dream about this invisible hands concept.

dizzy self-portrait.

i'm already so weak. once things get worse, how will i handle them?

i feel like i'm getting more && more boring. except saying i want to die, my neet life doesn't provide much to talk about. i cannot mature or be entertaining. i just do the same things over && over until nothing makes sense. that's all.

i don't really have any hope left. i'm a fatalistic piece of filth again. i just let things happen. i don't have enough energy for interfere outside of my own little bubble. daydreaming is all i have left. anxiety && suicidal thoughts are the only things grounding me on reality.

i'm home now. && being with friend didn't help. short-term distraction won't supress my long-term suffering. nothing can fill that void in my chest, brain or whatever sounds deep. i'm just fucked. it keeps getting worse. i don't want to live old, i'd probably get dementia anyway.

why can't i cry more than a few seconds?

panick attacks, paranoia. i don't know how much more of this i can take.

being with my friends is fun, sure. venting to them is a relief, sure. but i don't feel any better. i'm stuck. i just feel more and more anxious and uneasy being alive. i always feel understimulated && overstimulated at the same time. i don't want to do anything. it's just getting worse.

i'll try the double secret boss mod on silksong today or tomorrow.

normal mother silk was such a fucking joke. is the game doing this on purpose to prompt me to do the secret ending? otherwise, wow.