"I've waited an eternity for you, my muse" I whisper to my order of fries

Tomorrow seems like a great day to get day drunk and watch wrestling

"I wish the universe would give me a sign" *looking at the coffee grounds at the bottom of my mug shaped like a skull* "Man I should wash this"

What new stupid online thing can I latch onto today to avoid the horrors of reality?

Is there actually a Leviathan that is going to destroy humanity or do we just hope there is one?

Taking the power back by having my phone on silent all of the time. I will perceive you when I deem it fit

You will know you have made my inner circle when I make memes about things that you say

Was the Ring of Power based on The Ring of Gyges? Or is there just 2 rings that make people invisible

Haven't found a function where I can get away with wearing my "worlds sluttiest dad" shirt (I dont have kids

New product idea: edible hair ties for

You can't get in trouble if you don't get caught

Me: maybe I need a new car *looks at prices of new cars* Me: maybe I need generational wealth

Don't give up hope. Coming up there will be enough Godzilla content to sustain us until March next year

Spent my saturday night fighting a fever

Constantly fighting the urge to say weird shit at inopportune times

I will have you know this is my emotional support coping mechanism

Kong: Skull Island is my favorite Vietnam documentary

The love of my life is probably out there somewhere eating a rotisserie chicken in a parking lot

My unhinged theory today is that people who left sesame street and never came back were ate by the count

If you really think about it, fight club was a movie about self discovery

What is everyone's favorite pokemon? If it isn't Raichu, why are you wrong?

I feel if someone ever saw my Instagram reel algorithm i would be committed

I have come to the conclusion I could not live in the city. It is offputting to me to have more than 10 people in a grocery store

If humans were born having night vision would there still be scary stories?

What would the Lord of the Rings been like if the fellowship had access to a Ford F-350?

I don't have time to focus on politics, all of my energy is going towards applying logical thinking into whimsical works of fiction

Do you think when Gulliver farted Lilliput had to put out an air quality statement?

I will always have something to recommend for people to watch. On the other hand, if you recommend something for me to watch i will be less likely to view it because you told me what to do

I keep my yearning to only food products that do not exist anymore

I don't think the dating pool is terrible. I just don't think I know where to look

A typical season of the real housewives is as follows: -2 people fighting over nothing -1 person trying to shill a useless product -3 people not doing much until they get arrested for fraud next season -1 person's failed attempt at a music career -Group vacation that goes sour

Why are people making recipes called "Marry Me _____"? Dude I just want chicken, not commitment and expectations

There is a special place in hell for Family Vloggers

*Points at Air-Fryer* This sacred artifact is worshipped by my people

I won the gag gift exchange last night

I had a thought on New Years Eve and now I can't stop thinking about a Swedish Chef version of Auld Lang Syne

Having our family christmas this weekend. So far I am happy weed is legal

God's of gambling. May you guide my lottery ticket to victory tonight

You’re invited to Froggie’s NYE party tonight on Twitch! #twitch #nye

My new years resolution is to be more decisive. I finally landed on that after how long it took to decide what my resolution should be.

My family doesn't meet up until next weekend, so my christmas today consists of beer, football, some light gambling, and my favorite soup. Life is good!

Not now kitten, Daddy is getting visited by 3 ghosts to teach him the meaning of the holiday spirit

I need someone to explain to me why you cant ask what someone's favorite dinosaur is on a date? It sets the foundation of the relationship

I am in the finals for 2 different fantasy football leagues. If I win both I could get $1200

Where do you see yourself in 5 beers?

I dont kiss and tell. Mainly because I generally dont like talking to people and my love life is terrible

Cold damn night. House got down to 11 degrees Celsius (51 farenheit) before the power came back on

Nothing like a large area power outage when it is -17 celsius out. Its not going to be even looked at for another 10 hours due to safety concerns. My water is off and drained and I am hunkered down with some thick blankets

The trick to getting through the week is to limit yourself to one vice a night

I need a recommendation for a new TV series to watch. Just know I will argue with you the whole time about watching it though