Shit Your Pants And Pretend You're A Toddler Again It's 4:00PM

Bungle's Dingleberries It's 3:00PM

Shit In A Hottub It's 2:00PM

I Have Alerts Set On Twitter For Every Time This Account Tweets The Time. I Get A Boner When It Tweets One I've Submitted. I'm A Lonely, Sad Twat, And It's 1:00PM

I Was Born In Carlisle, But I Was Made In The Scatroom Orgy It's 12:00PM

Your Mum Loves It In The Bum So She Does. Ask Me How I Know. It's 11:00AM

Wank Into The Pope's Little Red Prada Shoes And Squelch Around The Vatican It's 10:00AM

Slice My Penis Like A Salami And Scatter It Over A Pizza It's 9:00AM

I'd Like To Ask Boris Johnson Why He's So Fucking Crap It's 8:00AM

Grease My Ballbag It's 7:00AM

Rinse Out Justin Hawkins' Used Condoms It's 6:00AM

Bugger It It's 5:00AM

Michael Sheen's Creepy Granddad-Style Beard, Covered In Jizz. It's 4:00AM

Go Dogging For Your Geography A Level Field Trip It's 3:00AM

Shit In My Handbag It's 2:00AM

Shagging, Lovely Shagging. It's 1:00AM

Shit On A Scottish Tenner And Ask For Change It's 12:00AM

Now Children, When Winnie The Pooh's Hand Fondles Piglet's Hairy Ballsack It's 11:00PM

Dangle Your Cock Out The Window And Jizz On Traffic It's 10:00PM

Scream "I'm Cumming, Nana!" It's 9:00PM

Take X-Rays Of Your Latest Extreme Insertions To Sell On Only Fans It's 8:00PM

You're All Bloody Gammons It's 7:00PM

This Is Bbc Radio Four With The Shitting Forecast. Fuckall, Viking, German Tight, Dogger. Rough And High. Fistroy. Moderate, Painful. It's 6:00PM

Make A Go Of Your Affair After Fucking The Whole Country It's 5:00PM

Tweak Your Nipples Until They're Like Bullets And Then Go On Public Transport In A Too Tight T-Shirt It's 4:00PM

Doing An Adult Sized Poo In A Potty It's 2:00PM

Deep Throat Mrs Mangel Whilst Helen Daniels Cups Your Balls And Fingers Your Ramsey Street It's 1:00PM

Poo Coated Pasta Served On A Toilet Seat It's 12:00PM

Pluck The Hairs From My Sack Till It's Patrick Fucking Stewart It's 11:00AM

Intercourse A Horse It's 10:00AM

Discovering You Got Shite Under Your Finger Nails Whilst Picking Your Nose It's 9:00AM

Suck My Dick With A Hoover It's 8:00AM

Fuck, Shit, Bollocks And Wank It's 7:00AM

Sweaty Summer Balls It's 6:00AM

Eat My Pisscakes It's 5:00AM

Open Your Mouth, I Want A Shit It's 4:00AM

Your Favourite Teacher Was A Nonce It's 3:00AM

Spread My Labia And Use My Flaps As An Ipad Stand It's 2:00AM

That Black Line You Always Find In Raw Prawns Which Contains Their Actual Shit It's 1:00AM

Yer Ma Orgasms In F Major It's 12:00AM

3 Squirts Of Lubs Tonight, I'm Feeling Saucy It's 11:00PM

If Boris Johnson Wanted To Come Into Your House At Night And Peg You You'd Let Him, You Dirty Tory Cunt It's 10:00PM

Imagine A Bar Full Of Centrist Dads Quoting Have I Got News For You While Drinking £12.99 Halves Of Craft Beer Infused With The Spunk Of Chris Addison It's 9:00PM

I've Shat Myself. It's 8:00PM

Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ It's 7:00PM

Gandalf's Jizzy End It's 6:00PM

Rewrite My Will And Switch Off The Life Support It's 5:00PM

That Black Line You Always Find In Raw Prawns Which Contains Their Actual Shit It's 4:00PM

Your Favourite Musician Is A Paedophile It's 3:00PM

Descend Into The Fires Of Hell And Bumfuck Margaret Thatcher It's 2:00PM