This charming Valentine's Day pillow is the perfect way to passive-aggressively compare your loved one to livestock.

If the Opening Ceremonies are going to honor Rossini, Verdi and Puccini but completely ignore Vivaldi, they can bite down on my hog.

Aw, dammit; I got all worked up.

The Existentialist Weather Bureau reports that his shadow also sees Punxsutawney Phil.

If Disney Star Wars is so good, how come I'm not nine years old again with three months off a year and my parents paying for everything?

#SNL wasn't the funniest, but those two skits about the indie rock band were on another level.

Orwell had a point, but I'm hearing better and better things about rejecting the evidence of your eyes and ears.

Trump has been president for two percent of U.S. history.

Hey, Claudette Colvin died, so we can get the hell off Scott Adams now. www.wsfa.com/2026/01/13/c...

Did Twisted Sister ever finish making that "Burn in Hell" video?

Shoutout to all the sober, rational citizen journalists on the scene right now.

We wouldn't be in this mess if we'd all just immediately comply with everything any Republican wants.

Wishing you and yours the shittiest post-holiday depression ever!

I go after this guy a lot, but I believe he can achieve this.

I still don't see how Scrooge turning good means there's no tombstone with his name on it in his future.

So the Grinch thinks "Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more" but they never tell us what.

I wish more ventriloquism acts could sort out who the actual dummy is before booking appearances. Dragging that tension onstage is bottom-tier professionalism.

[To the tune of the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" theme] Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas No hole in the washtub Mashed potatoes

[Notices the Cratchits have six kids] [Just shuts up 'cause it'll sound Republican]

"Well, I know ALL about Santa Claus, because I open and read his mail before it gets to him"

Damn near every Christmas special & Christmas episode EVER, in chronological order, no repeats, streaming 24/7 now through Christmas. kick.com/blenderdestr...

Why?

Presented without comment.

Shit, why even HAVE rules?

Meme-able version:

I pezzident.

Goddamn "How Mamdani Won" think pieces like Trump winning twice is just expected.

FREE COUCH ALERT

The most thrilling new feature of the Lincoln Bathroom is that there are no curtains, so everyone from tourists to spy satellites can just watch you shit.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #31: In the original Bram Stoker novel, Dracula never once says “I vant to suck your blood.”

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #30: In a 2012 poll, Doctor Frankenstein’s plan to reanimate dead bodies stolen from a cemetery was voted “Worst Plan To Prove You Are Not Insane Ever”.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #29: The Mummy has always resented his films being excluded from blaxploitation horror festivals.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #28: A Munsters / Addams Family crossover TV-Movie was attempted in 1979, but it degenerated into a gore-filled fight that left three Addams dead and two Munsters sentenced to a combined 148 years in prison

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #27: We still know next to nothing about Doctor Frankenberry, the man who sought to create a cereal after his own image without reckoning upon God.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #26: Though widely seen as maximally evil, The Devil always disposes of his rubbish in the appropriate receptacle.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #25: “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” helped start Tim Curry’s film career, though he spent years afterwards being typecast as cross-dressing vampiric mad scientists from outer space.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #24: 45% of Spirit Halloween Stores are haunted by the token guy from the arcade the store used to be.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #23: Modern humor scholars agree that this is the funniest horror credit ever, if not the funniest credit, period:

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #22: The three most common questions children ask about Halloween are “Are witches real?” “After midnight, do you turn into what you’re dressed up as?” and “Is that actually Eartha Kitt in ‘Ernest Scared Stupid?’”

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #21: The modern “Jack O’Lantern” dates back to an ancient Celtic myth about an Irishman who drank and drank and drank and drank and something about a pumpkin.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #20: Dracula’s friends like to get him stoned because it’s hilarious when he says “Vait… vot?”

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #19: Psychologists say Halloween plays a role in emotional development by permitting us to reckon with normally-suppressed horrors like black licorice and circus peanuts.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #18: The Creature from the Black Lagoon is offended by the belief that he spends all his time abducting young women, because he puts at least as much time into his Rush tribute band.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #17: Candy corn being largely made of corn syrup makes it the vegetable that has traveled the farthest to end up the same shape.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #16: Fear of the number 13 is known as "Triskaidekaphobia." Fear of clowns is known as "Basic common sense."

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #15: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups would be the Official Candy of Halloween, except there’s no Office of Halloween to decide that.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #14: Dracula’s cape gets in his way more often than not, but the fans expect it.