So the Grinch thinks "Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more" but they never tell us what.

I wish more ventriloquism acts could sort out who the actual dummy is before booking appearances. Dragging that tension onstage is bottom-tier professionalism.

[To the tune of the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" theme] Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas No hole in the washtub Mashed potatoes

[Notices the Cratchits have six kids] [Just shuts up 'cause it'll sound Republican]

"Well, I know ALL about Santa Claus, because I open and read his mail before it gets to him"

Damn near every Christmas special & Christmas episode EVER, in chronological order, no repeats, streaming 24/7 now through Christmas. kick.com/blenderdestr...

Why?

Presented without comment.

Shit, why even HAVE rules?

Meme-able version:

I pezzident.

Goddamn "How Mamdani Won" think pieces like Trump winning twice is just expected.

FREE COUCH ALERT

The most thrilling new feature of the Lincoln Bathroom is that there are no curtains, so everyone from tourists to spy satellites can just watch you shit.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #31: In the original Bram Stoker novel, Dracula never once says “I vant to suck your blood.”

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #30: In a 2012 poll, Doctor Frankenstein’s plan to reanimate dead bodies stolen from a cemetery was voted “Worst Plan To Prove You Are Not Insane Ever”.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #29: The Mummy has always resented his films being excluded from blaxploitation horror festivals.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #28: A Munsters / Addams Family crossover TV-Movie was attempted in 1979, but it degenerated into a gore-filled fight that left three Addams dead and two Munsters sentenced to a combined 148 years in prison

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #27: We still know next to nothing about Doctor Frankenberry, the man who sought to create a cereal after his own image without reckoning upon God.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #26: Though widely seen as maximally evil, The Devil always disposes of his rubbish in the appropriate receptacle.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #25: “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” helped start Tim Curry’s film career, though he spent years afterwards being typecast as cross-dressing vampiric mad scientists from outer space.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #24: 45% of Spirit Halloween Stores are haunted by the token guy from the arcade the store used to be.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #23: Modern humor scholars agree that this is the funniest horror credit ever, if not the funniest credit, period:

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #22: The three most common questions children ask about Halloween are “Are witches real?” “After midnight, do you turn into what you’re dressed up as?” and “Is that actually Eartha Kitt in ‘Ernest Scared Stupid?’”

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #21: The modern “Jack O’Lantern” dates back to an ancient Celtic myth about an Irishman who drank and drank and drank and drank and something about a pumpkin.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #20: Dracula’s friends like to get him stoned because it’s hilarious when he says “Vait… vot?”

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #19: Psychologists say Halloween plays a role in emotional development by permitting us to reckon with normally-suppressed horrors like black licorice and circus peanuts.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #18: The Creature from the Black Lagoon is offended by the belief that he spends all his time abducting young women, because he puts at least as much time into his Rush tribute band.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #17: Candy corn being largely made of corn syrup makes it the vegetable that has traveled the farthest to end up the same shape.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #16: Fear of the number 13 is known as "Triskaidekaphobia." Fear of clowns is known as "Basic common sense."

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #15: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups would be the Official Candy of Halloween, except there’s no Office of Halloween to decide that.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #14: Dracula’s cape gets in his way more often than not, but the fans expect it.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #13: Contrary to an enormous amount of pop-cultural adaptations, "Frankenstein" is not the name of the monster, but "Gary".

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #12: During a solar eclipse, werewolves briefly turn into llamas, and if they bite someone before the eclipse ends, that person is a werellama for the rest of their life.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #11: Count Chocula has never bit a single person, but merely enjoys the vampire lifestyle.

Imagine being a dying WW2 veteran and the last thing you see on earth is your great-grandson invading Portland for fascism and losing to a frog wizard.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #10: The lowest-grossing film in horror history is John Carpenter's 1985 "The Thing" sequel, "The Other Thing".

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #9: Historians believe the earliest crude Halloween costumes were little more than a cheap vinyl smock and a flimsy mask held on with elastic.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #8: In a 2023 poll, Halloween costumes for pets were voted the number-one "Fuck you" to starving people.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #7: It is considered impolite to assume that a zombie's favorite sports teams are the same ones as when they were alive.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #6: The two most popular Halloween candies by sales figures are Dum-Dums™ and Smarties™. Moderate-intelligence candies always sell poorly.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #5: "Monster Mash" by Bobby "Boris" Pickett is not based on any eyewitness accounts, but mostly inferred from the memoirs of participants.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #4: A vampire bitten by a zombie needs blood AND brains to live, but a zombie bitten by a vampire can get by on just brains.

You're on notice, old-fashioned human talk shows: A.I. is about to eat your lunch and not even throw you a gristly bone: www.youtube.com/shorts/dqjk6...

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #3: The storyline to "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" was taken directly from cartoonist Charles Schulz's childhood experiences growing up in a neighborhood full of goddamn sociopaths.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #2: Halloween's origins lie in ancient Druidic parents getting their kids all amped up for a big spooky adventure that turned out to be a strictly-supervised walk around the neighborhood.

SUPER-SPOOKY HALLOWEEN FACT #1: The real-life Dracula was Vlad Tepes, a Romanian noble who did all this sick shit that's not in Dracula.