After repeating the same series of audiobooks about three times, I finally branched off to something else. I had to borrow some from the local library, cause you can't buy this series in Australia atm, and I didn't already have it. I finished the first one, then had to reserve book two.

Mum was told to be at the hospital at 6.30am. Dropped her off at 6.10 so she had time to find and reach the day surgery area. She let me know a bit before 8am that she was next, but didn't know when. She wasn't told how long anything would take. It's now 10.30am, and I haven't heard anything.

Doing a work course on human rights due diligence and I really think there's room to go digging in the concept of "forced labour" as it applies to a world without universal basic income. Even if you enjoy your job, isn't there an inherent threat of punishment if you don't work?

Mum's got day surgery tomorrow - she's had a mole/skin cancer on her hairline that has already been partially removed, but they need to take the surrounding area properly - under general anaesthesia. Which means I'm taking her down and collecting her. Naturally, she has to be there at 6.30am 😴

It's not really that I'm doing better, so much as it is that I can go longer between the times when it's strong.

One of my cousins has coeliac disease. A few years ago, her mother was told she also had it. She's just found out, after another test, that she does NOT also have it. After three years of eating gluten free.

Got the usual "I have an appointment today" issues. Been up since 8am, but the appointment is at 1pm. I've been half in waiting mode, half trying to distract, and all quietly worried about getting too distracted and ending up late.

Hairdresser tomorrow. I've been looking forward to it, but I'm a little nervous as well. New people, a new hair experiment, managing covid masking, and trying to handle conversation *sighs* It's hard to do casual conversation with a major traumatic event in your recent history.

Mum's doing her best to keep me engaged with the world. There's a puzzle in the paper every day where there's 9 letters arranged in a square, and you have to make as many words as you can that include the centre letter, including one that uses all nine. Every day she gets me to help/have a try.

Every time another comedian finds out as an adult that they have adhd and mentions it in an article, the vast amounts of time I've spent hanging out with or around them gets retrospectively funnier. I had found my people and none of us had a fucking clue!

If there's something you love to do, or eat, or watch. Or a place you love to go, or people you love to spend time with. If there's anything you miss - find some time. Do it soon. Don't wait, you never know when your last chance will be.

Weird thing I've noticed in the last couple of months. I always start out sleeping on my side (unless I fall asleep unintentionally), and over the years I've frequently woken up on my back. Just lately, I'm not really moving in my sleep. I curl up on my side, and wake up that way, too.

Well now I'm really crying. Thank goodness I don't have any more meetings today. GNU Raq 💜

Having an emotionally rough day. Found myself thinking, "and I don't know why". But I think I have to remember that the "why" of all of this is always the same. That's why some days will be worse than others even though there's nothing obviously different about them.

For some years now, I've had an alarm that goes off an hour before I need to actually stay awake on work days. It goes off, I take my first ritalin for the day, sometimes go to the loo, then lie down again and immediately fall asleep for an hour before the real alarm. This is no longer working.

The internet keeps showing me pictures of cute pets and I have to keep reminding myself that getting a pet would not actually be helpful as a grief coping technique, even if the house WAS in a fit state to introduce an animal, and even if I DIDN'T have allergies...

Little progress today. I got online to game with friends for the first time since before. Technically also the first bit of socialising I've done that wasn't tangential to work or funeral arrangements. It was weird, but good to talk to people.

Thank goodness for small mercies - this year's FFXIV Valentine's event wasn't one you had to do in pairs. It also didn't focus heavily on a couple and their love, but on sharing good things with all people you love and care about, which was a relief as well.

Lady from the funeral directors came today. She brought Raq's ashes and my new memorial jewellery necklace. I got the long chain so I can wear it so it falls into my cleavage, because I know that would make Raq happy.

On my lunch break today, mum called down to me to ask if I knew how her grandmother (who raised her) died. I did, in fact (bowel cancer), so I passed. My brother did not. He saw the news about James Van Der Beek and messaged mum to ask if we had any family history of bowel cancer...

Made a list of the upcoming media releases that I definitely don't want to miss, along with when they're due out (if known) and how many more installments (if known) and I can't tell if this is a healthy or unhealthy coping mechanism.

Sometimes, it comes out of nowhere. This morning I spent my whole shower crying. No idea what set me off. I'm still teary now, but I had to stop myself because I was worried I was going to be sick again.

I've been participating a bit in a grief related subreddit. It's an interesting experience. I think it's good for me to see a lot of the things the subreddit makes clear. There's so many of us, and such a scale of experiences. Some far worse, some that I can find myself envying.

Got a pretty decent night's sleep last night - I was actually lying down with the lights out before 10.30, for the first time in ages. Woke a few times, but didn't get stuck awake for any length of time when I did. Regrettably, this hasn't done much for my state of mind/emotions today.

Despite being tired, I wasn't falling-asleep tired after work, so I managed to avoid accidentally napping, and had dinner at a reasonable time instead. Except now I'm very close to falling-asleep tired, and it hasn't been long enough since I ate for me to lie down >_<

Finally ended up booking a haircut. Deciding factor was the place calling itself a trans inclusive space. If you can pull that off in very Western Sydney, you have to be pretty committed. Unfortunately, to get an appointment I could actually get to, I had to book 2 weeks out.

Mum was getting ready to go to an appointment and she couldn't find her wallet. She'd taken it out of her handbag yesterday and took it in the car when she took a bunch of cans and bottles down to be recycled. I went to help, since losing things creatively is an adhd superpower.

Every so often, something will make me realise that I will, eventually, need to find either something else to centre my life around, or something to focus on for a while. I've never done well when I didn't have something, and Raq has been my guiding star for so long I'm out of practice.

Lol, well, I'm not getting Raq's ashes today, because the lady from the funeral director has had an issue with filling the memorial jewellery necklace. The instructions say to use superglue when you're sealing it up, to avoid it accidentally coming undone, but then it wouldn't close.

Really weird night. Because it was Sunday, I made myself lie down, and it felt like I was just lying there. But every so often I had to get up to go to the loo, and enough time would have passed that I think I must have slept at least a BIT during that period, even though it didn't feel like it.

Dreamwidth post - not sleeping enough. alisso.dreamwidth.org/1858395.html

6am and still awake and I just finished (again) the last audiobook in the series I've been listening to on repeat since December so my distraction is gone and I'm crying again. I got so little sleep last night and I was so tired I kept falling asleep but that stopped once I was ready for bed.

I didn't do too badly today, working and dealing with people. Being alone is something I've had a lot of practice with, so I can manage it when I have no choice. But what keeps trying to break through today is the reality of all the opportunities and potentials that were taken from Raq.

Spotted near the Smithfield Lúas stop...

Picked up the car - didn't cost me a cent - and I asked about them applying for Subaru to cover it, what the reason was. Turns out, it's just because I'm a loyal customer who got hit with an expensive repair, and they figured they'd see what they could do.

Dropped the car off this morning at about 7.30 and was told it should take 3-4 hours. Lol, as I typed this, they finally reached out. Nearly 7 hours later!

I've always had a part of my brain - a lingering holdover from my teenage angst, I think - that would half-jokingly celebrate the idea of the end of the world. An asteroid, a war, whatever. Anything that would end it all.

*sighs* Got an appointment with my shrink in a month's time, and I just got a reminder from my phone that I'll need a new referral from a GP if I don't want to pay full price. Which means I have to find time to go to the GP just for a referral.

Sir Ian McKellen performing a monologue from Shakespeare’s Sir Thomas More on the Stephen Colbert show. Never have I heard this monologue performed with such a keen sense of prescience. Nor have I ever been in this exact historical moment.TY Sir Ian, for reaching us once again. #Pinks #ProudBlue

Mental Health Is Less Grim if You Pretend It's Old Boats by Luke Westaway (ft Johnny Chiodini) - youtu.be/SkpTNL1QEu8?...

Cried at the dentist, but not so much that we couldn't still do the checkup and cleaning. Warned the dentist about my dry mouth and randomly over-sensitive gag reflex, and this morning's unpleasant incident, so she skipped the xray, and the nurse painted fluoride on instead of using the trays.

I desperately need a haircut, to the point that I've been giving serious thought to chopping off most of it then using the longest guard on the clippers to even it out. But I don't especially like going to the hairdresser at the best of times, and trying to stay covid safe has made it all worse.

Grateful for the good news on the car front. A small mercy amongst the chaos. Keep struggling to sleep, keep falling back asleep so quickly after my alarms that I don't remember being awake. My mouth is almost always dry, and the back of my throat is irritated/sore/sensitive.

Good news on the car front - they got approval for Subaru to cover the costs, and the part they needed has come in \o/ So they can repair my air conditioning tomorrow, and it *won't* cost me thousands!

3.30am and I'm so reluctant to lie down and try to sleep that my watch is telling me my stress levels are spiking...

This is what happens when you keep using cats in experiments where their state is Uncertain. They use that to do the physics equivalent of knocking things off tables.

A while ago I set up notifications for apartments for sale in the area we wanted, and with the features we wanted. I still get them when new places are listed. I've seen a few places with this kind of layout and I think it says a lot about the real estate market these days.

*sighs* I was so tired after work I sat on the bed and started to nod off. So I turned off my audiobook and thought I'd let myself nap. I was mostly just drifting. But after a bit, my meds reminder app went off and started playing music (which it doesn't normally).

For the first time in ages, I woke up in the middle of the night last night and then couldn't get back to sleep. That rarely happens to me. I woke at 1.30, and I didn't get properly back to sleep till 3.30 (I feel like there may have been a bit of dozing in there, cause it didn't feel that long).

It's really important that you all know that Raq was hilarious. They had excellent comic timing and understanding, and they were smart and witty. It was part of what I fell in love with about them, and part of the joy they brought to my life every day. They should be remembered for it.